I see things subtly shifting. I'm noticing i'm feeling better and the urge to chase girls and such is lessening and i'm feeling more calm and centered when by myself.
But I admit when I go out in public or to the gym, though I have the intent to interact without wanting anything it still comes up. Girls are reacting worse at the moment, but the thing is part of the work i'm doing is learning to fulfill myself so that I don't care about that.. easier said than done.
The good thing is now i'm not sitting around like "Fuck I have to have a girl or sex right now to feel good about myself". Though i'm still thinking about girls alot. I also identified that though I started with the intent to deal with it to feel good about myself due to frustration that a little bit of "Hurry up I just want results, I just want to do this to get results with girls" and i've had to work to shift my intent to "Learning to love and fulfill myself".
I feel like the aura is gone a fair bit, some of that may be due to me doing other things like Inner Bonding and another method that is all about feeling and confronting your inner wounds and the part of you that is feeling it. But i'm accepting that seeing my priority is the healing and these things are helping with that.
One conflict in my mind is that i'm working on healing the abandonment and learning to feel complete in myself through this and wondering if the very fact i'm doing DMSI is going against that because it's pushing me towards "Go and get sex".
On the other hand DMSI is what finally lead me to the point of dealing with this stuff so i'm continuing to listen.
As the compulsion around girls is lessening, it seems other things are opening up.
Today I had the random urge just to go and look at art which was cool. I talked to the woman there about drawing and how it relaxes me but that I have no desire to be an 'artist' so to speak.
And something unexpected, it seems my old desire for martial arts training is awakening. I had a dream last night that I can't remember, but it was something around conflict and today i've been thinking about training again.
Unfortunately here there's only a few TKD classes, which is shit. There is mma, I don't care about bjj so the closest thing would be muay thai that i'd be interested in, the stuff i'm really interested in is rare in general let alone where I live.
But looking at the page about the new 'head instructor' for muay thai, it's some kid who's like 20 and has trained for 2 or 3 years. It's not a problem if he was helping new students in class, but a head instructor.
There is one place that trains what I really want to train in ideally, but it's 2 hours away and honestly i'm not dedicated enough nor do I have the money to drive 4 hours round trip to do it.
Maybe if the desire keeps building enough, but driving that much it wouldn't take long for me to get frustrated at doing so.
The other thing would be trying to find 1 or 2 people to train in my shed again. But when I used to do that it was hard to find dedicated people or people I could do the kind of training I really wanted to with. Either they would not show up or would come once and that's all most of the time.
I wonder if this awakening of desire for training is legit as in since i'm reconnecting with my 'core' more it's coming up. Or is it possibly coming from a past fear of conflict or insecurity temporarily due to the dream I had last night. I don't know but i'll see.
I'm hesitant in another way because what tended to happen when I was full into training, focusing on the right mindset and such I become too aggressive and would attract trouble and fights to me. Now that might be due to deeper things that I feel i've dealt with, but training that mindset regularly atleast made it much worse back then.
But I admit when I go out in public or to the gym, though I have the intent to interact without wanting anything it still comes up. Girls are reacting worse at the moment, but the thing is part of the work i'm doing is learning to fulfill myself so that I don't care about that.. easier said than done.
The good thing is now i'm not sitting around like "Fuck I have to have a girl or sex right now to feel good about myself". Though i'm still thinking about girls alot. I also identified that though I started with the intent to deal with it to feel good about myself due to frustration that a little bit of "Hurry up I just want results, I just want to do this to get results with girls" and i've had to work to shift my intent to "Learning to love and fulfill myself".
I feel like the aura is gone a fair bit, some of that may be due to me doing other things like Inner Bonding and another method that is all about feeling and confronting your inner wounds and the part of you that is feeling it. But i'm accepting that seeing my priority is the healing and these things are helping with that.
One conflict in my mind is that i'm working on healing the abandonment and learning to feel complete in myself through this and wondering if the very fact i'm doing DMSI is going against that because it's pushing me towards "Go and get sex".
On the other hand DMSI is what finally lead me to the point of dealing with this stuff so i'm continuing to listen.
As the compulsion around girls is lessening, it seems other things are opening up.
Today I had the random urge just to go and look at art which was cool. I talked to the woman there about drawing and how it relaxes me but that I have no desire to be an 'artist' so to speak.
And something unexpected, it seems my old desire for martial arts training is awakening. I had a dream last night that I can't remember, but it was something around conflict and today i've been thinking about training again.
Unfortunately here there's only a few TKD classes, which is shit. There is mma, I don't care about bjj so the closest thing would be muay thai that i'd be interested in, the stuff i'm really interested in is rare in general let alone where I live.
But looking at the page about the new 'head instructor' for muay thai, it's some kid who's like 20 and has trained for 2 or 3 years. It's not a problem if he was helping new students in class, but a head instructor.
There is one place that trains what I really want to train in ideally, but it's 2 hours away and honestly i'm not dedicated enough nor do I have the money to drive 4 hours round trip to do it.
Maybe if the desire keeps building enough, but driving that much it wouldn't take long for me to get frustrated at doing so.
The other thing would be trying to find 1 or 2 people to train in my shed again. But when I used to do that it was hard to find dedicated people or people I could do the kind of training I really wanted to with. Either they would not show up or would come once and that's all most of the time.
I wonder if this awakening of desire for training is legit as in since i'm reconnecting with my 'core' more it's coming up. Or is it possibly coming from a past fear of conflict or insecurity temporarily due to the dream I had last night. I don't know but i'll see.
I'm hesitant in another way because what tended to happen when I was full into training, focusing on the right mindset and such I become too aggressive and would attract trouble and fights to me. Now that might be due to deeper things that I feel i've dealt with, but training that mindset regularly atleast made it much worse back then.
