07-25-2017, 06:49 AM
Whatever part of my mind that resists is alive and well.
My wife and kids are at my in-laws, a state away, all week. I was looking at things to do - local event calendar - and noticed that tonight there's a Harry Potter trivia night at all the bars that host trivia. My wife and sister-in-law are Harry Potter freaks. They'd eat, sleep, and breathe HP if they could. Hell, my daughter's room is HP themed.
A thought pops up - "Hey, get a hold of SIL and see what she's up to - HP Trivia night!" Then that recalcitrant, subversive, little muthafucka' came out from its hiding spot in the dark corner of my mind, like a little troll that keeps its foot on my throat in the shadows.
It hit me like a sack of bricks - I'm scared shitless. No way in hell am I seeing if my SIL wants to hang out with me. Drinks, fun...her house to herself, my house to myself...NO FUCKIN' WAY. I mean, nothing even has to happen - it could just be a friendly activity, just to get out of the house and have some fun. STILL NO FUCKIN' WAY.
Now I'm having a hard time going to the gym. I'm having a hard time getting out of the house AT ALL. I have that piece of mind my locked in - I can see it for exactly what it is, and how it is the very piece that's held me back from doing and being anything (achieving my dreams) my whole life. How can the mind be so split!? After all the "work" I've done on myself, how can there still be this part of my mind, so deeply rooted, that has such a firm foot on the brakes? The fear is incredible. I don't even "feel" it as much as "perceive" it as an invisible mental brick wall. It has complete control of me, and it knows it. I can figuratively feel that part of my mind laughing at me right now. "You think you have control of anything? Hahahahahahaha!"
Whatever this is, it'd rather keep me staring at the paint on the wall than getting "out there," and doing anything.
I know that identifying this blockage is a fantastic step, but now I feel really helpless, because I have no idea what I can actually do about it.
Well, first things first. I'm forcing myself right out the front door. Talk at y'all later.
My wife and kids are at my in-laws, a state away, all week. I was looking at things to do - local event calendar - and noticed that tonight there's a Harry Potter trivia night at all the bars that host trivia. My wife and sister-in-law are Harry Potter freaks. They'd eat, sleep, and breathe HP if they could. Hell, my daughter's room is HP themed.
A thought pops up - "Hey, get a hold of SIL and see what she's up to - HP Trivia night!" Then that recalcitrant, subversive, little muthafucka' came out from its hiding spot in the dark corner of my mind, like a little troll that keeps its foot on my throat in the shadows.
It hit me like a sack of bricks - I'm scared shitless. No way in hell am I seeing if my SIL wants to hang out with me. Drinks, fun...her house to herself, my house to myself...NO FUCKIN' WAY. I mean, nothing even has to happen - it could just be a friendly activity, just to get out of the house and have some fun. STILL NO FUCKIN' WAY.
Now I'm having a hard time going to the gym. I'm having a hard time getting out of the house AT ALL. I have that piece of mind my locked in - I can see it for exactly what it is, and how it is the very piece that's held me back from doing and being anything (achieving my dreams) my whole life. How can the mind be so split!? After all the "work" I've done on myself, how can there still be this part of my mind, so deeply rooted, that has such a firm foot on the brakes? The fear is incredible. I don't even "feel" it as much as "perceive" it as an invisible mental brick wall. It has complete control of me, and it knows it. I can figuratively feel that part of my mind laughing at me right now. "You think you have control of anything? Hahahahahahaha!"
Whatever this is, it'd rather keep me staring at the paint on the wall than getting "out there," and doing anything.
I know that identifying this blockage is a fantastic step, but now I feel really helpless, because I have no idea what I can actually do about it.
Well, first things first. I'm forcing myself right out the front door. Talk at y'all later.
