Stuggling with all this crap coming up.
I'm starting to understand it more from listening to an Inner Bonding course that is more in depth and exploring reasons why and i'm working on it daily.. it kind of feels like there's not much progress, for a bit it seems ok then comes back in force like today.
This is the first time in a long time i've intentionally disconnected from chasing girls and it's coming up strong and feels like sex is the solution to everything, will make everything feel better etc.. which it won't other than temporarily, then there's the next and the next.
And intentionally saying "ok for these 30 days atleast I won't go for girls" though i'll still talk to them at the gym and stuff, just not to 'achieve' anything is bringing up wanting to look at porn to feel better, kind of like "Oh that option isn't there, we will goto the next closest coping mechanism."
The other thing annoying me is I just can't seem to not think about the girl who I was seeing and being frustrated and hurt that obviously it's over because of barely anything. On one hand I want to reach out and maybe like last time i'll see her again, on the other hand it's like "fuck you" and realizing it will just buy into the abandonment issues and i'll feel good temporarily if I end up still with her and I likely won't work as much on this issue like i've been doing.
It again leads me to believe that DMSI/OE brought on that situation and the last one to lead me towards healing this thing.
I had a dream last night where I was laying with 2 girls in bikinis, it was kind of weird like I was there with them but not able to do anything. One got up and took her bikini top off and kind of turned around and looked like she was showing it off but pretending not to.
Then she bent over and took the bottoms off and was playing with herself, and when I looked I felt like I was doing something wrong and she gave me this look that brings up familiar feelings, like a girl will obviously but herself in a position or wear something where of course you can't not look and she wants you to if she's doing that but then tries to make you feel guilty. She gave me this weird disgusted look, then looked at the other girl and looked like she was more doing it for her.
I had my hand on the other girls hip but did nothing. Then for some reason I was suddenly naked and getting hard and before I woke up I was about to start touching myself in the dream.
When I woke up I had this very brief feeling of "I can have sex with almost any girl I want" combined with sexual feelings filling my body.
But almost as soon as I noticed and enjoyed it the same self sabotage come up saying "Can I let it go" that has been coming up as long as I remember, atleast since AM6 and it went away.
And the last thing.. so all these feelings coming up and I can't use sex to escape them, or porn and masturbation so other coping mechanisms are coming up like wanting to play games for example. Inner Bonding talks about using these addictions to avoid taking responsibility for your feelings.
I'm a little confused because it's like "I have to do SOMETHING'. I can't just sit there all day and feel these feelings all day and do nothing.
Though I did have the urge to draw and as a creative outlet I found on E2 it seemed to help more, but then alot of judging myself come up (one of the way we abandon ourselves and our inner child) and I started to feel bad and stopped.
So how do I find things to do that aren't these addictions that i'm using to escape my feelings? Because nearly anything could be seen as that.
Though things like a warm bath, going for a walk, drawing, writing, going out in nature and such.. actually have a different feeling to them and I feel they are more suited and not as much of a distraction but instead more of caring for yourself.
As I listen to the course more i'll get more ideas as well as refine the Inner Bonding process, because it's obvious i'm missing a few steps just going from the book.
EDIT: Oh and another 'addiction' that comes up is arguing on the internet. Even if I know i'm right, even if it's something i'm passionate about, even if things people are saying are stupid, even if it feels really justified... it's of no value to me and just another way to feel something, to feel like i'm doing something, or achieving something.. which i'm really not doing so.
The WORST by far is facebook.. the amount of incredibly stupid idiotic retarded shit people post on there (I could add more words to that) articles they share and such make me sometimes hate the world and where it's heading and some of it I instantly just want to post how stupid it is under the article or whatever. Time to deactivate it again for a while.
I'm starting to understand it more from listening to an Inner Bonding course that is more in depth and exploring reasons why and i'm working on it daily.. it kind of feels like there's not much progress, for a bit it seems ok then comes back in force like today.
This is the first time in a long time i've intentionally disconnected from chasing girls and it's coming up strong and feels like sex is the solution to everything, will make everything feel better etc.. which it won't other than temporarily, then there's the next and the next.
And intentionally saying "ok for these 30 days atleast I won't go for girls" though i'll still talk to them at the gym and stuff, just not to 'achieve' anything is bringing up wanting to look at porn to feel better, kind of like "Oh that option isn't there, we will goto the next closest coping mechanism."
The other thing annoying me is I just can't seem to not think about the girl who I was seeing and being frustrated and hurt that obviously it's over because of barely anything. On one hand I want to reach out and maybe like last time i'll see her again, on the other hand it's like "fuck you" and realizing it will just buy into the abandonment issues and i'll feel good temporarily if I end up still with her and I likely won't work as much on this issue like i've been doing.
It again leads me to believe that DMSI/OE brought on that situation and the last one to lead me towards healing this thing.
I had a dream last night where I was laying with 2 girls in bikinis, it was kind of weird like I was there with them but not able to do anything. One got up and took her bikini top off and kind of turned around and looked like she was showing it off but pretending not to.
Then she bent over and took the bottoms off and was playing with herself, and when I looked I felt like I was doing something wrong and she gave me this look that brings up familiar feelings, like a girl will obviously but herself in a position or wear something where of course you can't not look and she wants you to if she's doing that but then tries to make you feel guilty. She gave me this weird disgusted look, then looked at the other girl and looked like she was more doing it for her.
I had my hand on the other girls hip but did nothing. Then for some reason I was suddenly naked and getting hard and before I woke up I was about to start touching myself in the dream.
When I woke up I had this very brief feeling of "I can have sex with almost any girl I want" combined with sexual feelings filling my body.
But almost as soon as I noticed and enjoyed it the same self sabotage come up saying "Can I let it go" that has been coming up as long as I remember, atleast since AM6 and it went away.
And the last thing.. so all these feelings coming up and I can't use sex to escape them, or porn and masturbation so other coping mechanisms are coming up like wanting to play games for example. Inner Bonding talks about using these addictions to avoid taking responsibility for your feelings.
I'm a little confused because it's like "I have to do SOMETHING'. I can't just sit there all day and feel these feelings all day and do nothing.
Though I did have the urge to draw and as a creative outlet I found on E2 it seemed to help more, but then alot of judging myself come up (one of the way we abandon ourselves and our inner child) and I started to feel bad and stopped.
So how do I find things to do that aren't these addictions that i'm using to escape my feelings? Because nearly anything could be seen as that.
Though things like a warm bath, going for a walk, drawing, writing, going out in nature and such.. actually have a different feeling to them and I feel they are more suited and not as much of a distraction but instead more of caring for yourself.
As I listen to the course more i'll get more ideas as well as refine the Inner Bonding process, because it's obvious i'm missing a few steps just going from the book.
EDIT: Oh and another 'addiction' that comes up is arguing on the internet. Even if I know i'm right, even if it's something i'm passionate about, even if things people are saying are stupid, even if it feels really justified... it's of no value to me and just another way to feel something, to feel like i'm doing something, or achieving something.. which i'm really not doing so.
The WORST by far is facebook.. the amount of incredibly stupid idiotic retarded shit people post on there (I could add more words to that) articles they share and such make me sometimes hate the world and where it's heading and some of it I instantly just want to post how stupid it is under the article or whatever. Time to deactivate it again for a while.
