06-29-2017, 07:59 PM
Things still get rocky at times for me. This newfound awareness is tricky balancing everything. The thing to keep in mind is it is all about calm intention. Not force, willpower, or strain. It shouldn't feel like trying to push away negative thoughts, it's non-reactivity to them. Trying to push away negative thoughts is almost as bad as dwelling in them because it gives them more power. If you think about it a healthy individual wouldn't be constantly fighting to remove negative thoughts, they'd just live a happy positive life. There is no battle, no tension, no trying, just being. That's where I'm trying to get to. I'm understanding it more, but in practice I slip up at times.
But as an aside to that. I got a call from my job today asking if I could come in to work because they are really short handed. And I said no, with no remorse or guilt which is a huge step for me. I've realized I need to value my time and build my life, I don't owe this company anything. I can't build the life I want if I'm constantly being pulled into the chaos of this other job. It's really messed up. They don't understand this is a part time job, I'm not on call, I'm not required to come in. And I'm not sitting in my underwear and playing video games on my day off or goofing off. I'm building skills, doing research, improving myself. But do they get that? Nope. They think they fucking own me and I'm sick of it. My store manager is also under the impression that I want to move up in the store and take on more responsibility, despite me telling him I appreciate it but no thanks. He's drowning and he's trying to drag me down with him, but I'm not having any of that shit. He's a nice guy, but goddamn if I don't set my limits and start being blunt with him he's not gonna get it. I really hate doing that to people, but some individuals just test me. I wish I could give freely to people without having to worry about the consequences, but I've sadly realized people have no personal responsibility when it comes to looking out for others and they will just take and take. I'm done with that, from now on only the people who deserve my time get it.
But as an aside to that. I got a call from my job today asking if I could come in to work because they are really short handed. And I said no, with no remorse or guilt which is a huge step for me. I've realized I need to value my time and build my life, I don't owe this company anything. I can't build the life I want if I'm constantly being pulled into the chaos of this other job. It's really messed up. They don't understand this is a part time job, I'm not on call, I'm not required to come in. And I'm not sitting in my underwear and playing video games on my day off or goofing off. I'm building skills, doing research, improving myself. But do they get that? Nope. They think they fucking own me and I'm sick of it. My store manager is also under the impression that I want to move up in the store and take on more responsibility, despite me telling him I appreciate it but no thanks. He's drowning and he's trying to drag me down with him, but I'm not having any of that shit. He's a nice guy, but goddamn if I don't set my limits and start being blunt with him he's not gonna get it. I really hate doing that to people, but some individuals just test me. I wish I could give freely to people without having to worry about the consequences, but I've sadly realized people have no personal responsibility when it comes to looking out for others and they will just take and take. I'm done with that, from now on only the people who deserve my time get it.
