Something seemed to clear up yesterday, I had more energy, felt better. But still a little weird in interactions. I talked to a girl at the gym I usually talk to who I had little interest in, for some reason yesterday I had more sexual interest in some girls I usually don't care about.
I was talking to her and had the idea to start imagining sexual things while talking to her and held eye contact. She usually talks to me for ages, but after that she seemed to leave pretty quick. I walked out with her as we had both finished and she seemed to quickly get in her car and not say much. That is different.
A bit of a flirty talk with another one who i'd fuck but wouldn't really want to be involved with. I usually don't care much but yesterday I was thinking "damn she has nice tits".
Also there was some weird reactions from people. First a woman in the car next to me when I parked, I looked over and this old fat woman just put her arms up in a 'what the hell' kind of motion. I also had a few other weird things like that, the other one I remember walking past some girl who wasn't even attractive but I briefly looked at her and i'm pretty sure she just goes "What" kind of forcefully. And I think one or two similar things, I remember thinking it was weird.
Today I felt shit again, usually i'd feel like crap for a while and it would clear then i'm good for a while. Well it lasted 1 day and feeling crap again. Low energy.
I had a few dreams around guilt and something that kind of disturbs me. Woke up thinking about a few situations that definately have some guilt that would block me from success with DMSI. Seen a mate, talked to 2 asian girls at the beach who were taking photos but it just felt awkward and weird. One especially went really weird when we got close and seemed like she pretty much run off. After walking around for not that long the fatigue i've been feeling come back.
I still just feel weird and 'wrong' even yesterday when I felt a little better and it was kind of something was projecting. The comfort I started to notice with most girls isn't here at the moment, and the interactions if I have them I just feel really awkward.
About 10 days on B and it's all been this feeling weird, on A alot of the time I was feeling pretty good, not awkward like I am now. Last time on B briefly it was awesome until something short circuited it.
This time on B.. not so much.
I also deleted tinder and hid my POF profile, just like "there's no fucking point, I get no matches on tinder here and there's barely anyone new on POF."
Which is true.. but getting rid of it totally eliminates any possibility of it instead of a bit of a chance of new ones coming on. I wonder if it's somehow my mind trying to hide from the possibility, or instead trying to get me to move away from online a bit again and meet girls other places.
On A alot of the time I can see what's going on, on B I have no idea and just feel like 'shit' and am finding it hard to explain. I had the thought last night of doing the writing asking what i'm resisting, somehow it slipped my mind for a while. So i'll do that tonight.
I was talking to her and had the idea to start imagining sexual things while talking to her and held eye contact. She usually talks to me for ages, but after that she seemed to leave pretty quick. I walked out with her as we had both finished and she seemed to quickly get in her car and not say much. That is different.
A bit of a flirty talk with another one who i'd fuck but wouldn't really want to be involved with. I usually don't care much but yesterday I was thinking "damn she has nice tits".
Also there was some weird reactions from people. First a woman in the car next to me when I parked, I looked over and this old fat woman just put her arms up in a 'what the hell' kind of motion. I also had a few other weird things like that, the other one I remember walking past some girl who wasn't even attractive but I briefly looked at her and i'm pretty sure she just goes "What" kind of forcefully. And I think one or two similar things, I remember thinking it was weird.
Today I felt shit again, usually i'd feel like crap for a while and it would clear then i'm good for a while. Well it lasted 1 day and feeling crap again. Low energy.
I had a few dreams around guilt and something that kind of disturbs me. Woke up thinking about a few situations that definately have some guilt that would block me from success with DMSI. Seen a mate, talked to 2 asian girls at the beach who were taking photos but it just felt awkward and weird. One especially went really weird when we got close and seemed like she pretty much run off. After walking around for not that long the fatigue i've been feeling come back.
I still just feel weird and 'wrong' even yesterday when I felt a little better and it was kind of something was projecting. The comfort I started to notice with most girls isn't here at the moment, and the interactions if I have them I just feel really awkward.
About 10 days on B and it's all been this feeling weird, on A alot of the time I was feeling pretty good, not awkward like I am now. Last time on B briefly it was awesome until something short circuited it.
This time on B.. not so much.
I also deleted tinder and hid my POF profile, just like "there's no fucking point, I get no matches on tinder here and there's barely anyone new on POF."
Which is true.. but getting rid of it totally eliminates any possibility of it instead of a bit of a chance of new ones coming on. I wonder if it's somehow my mind trying to hide from the possibility, or instead trying to get me to move away from online a bit again and meet girls other places.
On A alot of the time I can see what's going on, on B I have no idea and just feel like 'shit' and am finding it hard to explain. I had the thought last night of doing the writing asking what i'm resisting, somehow it slipped my mind for a while. So i'll do that tonight.
