I was complaining to my mom over text about having to "deal" and "put up with" my mother-in-law. She sent me a daily meditation email about "burying hatchets" and "complete forgiveness." I took a screenshot - I'll link it here:
Read Here
It explains forgiveness how I've always viewed it - absolution, starting-from-scratch. For me, though, it's rare that I'm able to do that. The questions at the bottom of the meditation email made me think this morning about why I haven't been able to forgive her. Basically, it stems back to 2011, when she practically destroyed her relationship with my wife while we were planning our wedding. She'd make comments about how my wife should get her dress from "Goodwill," and the cake from a grocery store so she could save money. Then she suddenly said my parents should pay half, because "she's a progressive woman, and the 'tradition' of the bride's family paying for the wedding 'wasn't fair.'" My wife ended up writing her out of her life - stopped talking to her completely. My parents and I all received letters from my mother-in-law about how "disappointed" she was in us for not facilitating a fix between her and her daughter - she essentially projected blame for a problem she created onto us.
Anyway, we couldn't afford a wedding locally, so we decided to do a destination wedding in Jamaica. None of my wife's family, immediate or otherwise, came. It was a great time, but kinda fucked up simultaneously. My grandparents, who have since passed, didn't get to see me get married. I think I still hold all of that against her, because my mother-in-law only apologized to my wife and talked to my wife about what happened, but never talked anything over with me, nor ever apologized to my parents (who did end up paying for our wedding). Anyhow, she's been a completely different person ever since almost losing her relationship with my wife. She's been very helpful and giving in many ways, but even so, I see every flaw and paint everything about her in a negative light.
This morning, I broke down in tears, because I realized I've used "she never apologized" as a reason to not absolve her for the good of our family, and not least of all, my own happiness. I think I've used not forgiving her as a means to punish her, again and again, and it only ends up hurting me, my wife, and my children if I don't let it go. I think I may finally be able to do that, having realized this.
EDIT: I had a thought after writing this that not forgiving someone to punish them is a microcosm of the concept of revenge. And you know what they say about revenge, "Before you set upon the path of revenge, dig two graves."
Read Here
It explains forgiveness how I've always viewed it - absolution, starting-from-scratch. For me, though, it's rare that I'm able to do that. The questions at the bottom of the meditation email made me think this morning about why I haven't been able to forgive her. Basically, it stems back to 2011, when she practically destroyed her relationship with my wife while we were planning our wedding. She'd make comments about how my wife should get her dress from "Goodwill," and the cake from a grocery store so she could save money. Then she suddenly said my parents should pay half, because "she's a progressive woman, and the 'tradition' of the bride's family paying for the wedding 'wasn't fair.'" My wife ended up writing her out of her life - stopped talking to her completely. My parents and I all received letters from my mother-in-law about how "disappointed" she was in us for not facilitating a fix between her and her daughter - she essentially projected blame for a problem she created onto us.
Anyway, we couldn't afford a wedding locally, so we decided to do a destination wedding in Jamaica. None of my wife's family, immediate or otherwise, came. It was a great time, but kinda fucked up simultaneously. My grandparents, who have since passed, didn't get to see me get married. I think I still hold all of that against her, because my mother-in-law only apologized to my wife and talked to my wife about what happened, but never talked anything over with me, nor ever apologized to my parents (who did end up paying for our wedding). Anyhow, she's been a completely different person ever since almost losing her relationship with my wife. She's been very helpful and giving in many ways, but even so, I see every flaw and paint everything about her in a negative light.
This morning, I broke down in tears, because I realized I've used "she never apologized" as a reason to not absolve her for the good of our family, and not least of all, my own happiness. I think I've used not forgiving her as a means to punish her, again and again, and it only ends up hurting me, my wife, and my children if I don't let it go. I think I may finally be able to do that, having realized this.
EDIT: I had a thought after writing this that not forgiving someone to punish them is a microcosm of the concept of revenge. And you know what they say about revenge, "Before you set upon the path of revenge, dig two graves."
