The saga continues: AM 6

[mat422]

So something I'm noticing. I have a lot of days off this week from work. You may think, great all that time to get stuff done! But it's the exact opposite. I was using work as an excuse not to do things. Like "oh it's already 2 and I have work in another 2 hours, might as well just watch tv till then. Work has been a distraction and a way for me to get out of doing things in a guilt free way. In the absence of work I now see how horrible my procrastination is. As convoluted as this sounds, I think I may have been holding onto this job as a way to avoid the responsibilities I know I have to face. In addition to that it's also very likely I've been using it as a way to escape my feelings as well. I've never been one to suggest staying busy to keep your mind off things. The problem with that is when you're alone or have silence the things you've been ignoring come crashing in about 10x worse than if you properly managed them in the first place.

So I'm definitely going through some rough stuff now. But I'm going to work through it and come out the other side stronger. Yesterday was hell for me. I was working obsessively on a song but getting nowhere. I knew I should have taken an extended break, but the idea of all the other stuff I also had to do kept me glued to this project. Still being controlled by fear when it comes to my music, making poor decisions, obsessing over perfection way too much, and being too afraid to finish anything. I'm probably going to take a break from music until whatever I'm working through subsides because I feel like it brings out the worst in me and destroys my enjoyment of creating music.