06-20-2017, 03:41 PM
Scratch that last post. I'm going to leave it there, but only to show how sometimes resistance can manifest for me. Inward is where I need to go, I see that now. Sometimes I can be so afraid of what's in there I figure out ways to avoid it.
I'm hitting something really rough right now. I think it has to be with being different. Despite all my growth with AM6 I have this feeling that I still haven't shaken. It's this feeling that I need to be someone else. To become someone different vs just allowing myself to be me. The only way I can describe it is it feels like I'm constantly holding my breath around people and then when I'm finally alone I can breathe again. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't want to try, I just want to be. I've embodied some alpha qualities, I see that now. However I've also realized I've been using that idea of being alpha as validation and avoiding the deeper insecurities I have. It's weird how I can have this new found confidence in some areas, but in others I'm still the same. I went wrong in the past by assuming I was making it up or faking it and I was still deeply messed up, but I've realized it's all so complex. We can hold simultaneous views of being confident and being worthless, alone, scared, etc. Which is why it's so important to acknowledge growth because sometimes it doesn't come like how you expect it to. If you shoot it down too early it doesn't have a chance to bloom into something else.
I'm hitting something really rough right now. I think it has to be with being different. Despite all my growth with AM6 I have this feeling that I still haven't shaken. It's this feeling that I need to be someone else. To become someone different vs just allowing myself to be me. The only way I can describe it is it feels like I'm constantly holding my breath around people and then when I'm finally alone I can breathe again. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I don't want to try, I just want to be. I've embodied some alpha qualities, I see that now. However I've also realized I've been using that idea of being alpha as validation and avoiding the deeper insecurities I have. It's weird how I can have this new found confidence in some areas, but in others I'm still the same. I went wrong in the past by assuming I was making it up or faking it and I was still deeply messed up, but I've realized it's all so complex. We can hold simultaneous views of being confident and being worthless, alone, scared, etc. Which is why it's so important to acknowledge growth because sometimes it doesn't come like how you expect it to. If you shoot it down too early it doesn't have a chance to bloom into something else.