Mojam's E2 Journal

[Jake2015]

It is said that most of the things which u worry or fear about never usually happens...

Ever since I became conscious I always remember living in fear. My parents told me that when I was 4 or 5 I was brutally beaten by one of my school teachers. I seriously don't even remember that. But I think that was where it all began and fast forward 20 years. I was still like that. I even got used to this emotion and thought it was a part of me and I loved it when I went into depression. I loved living with those sad, depressed all those emotions driven by fear.. Cause fear me me to stop taking action and due to which I won't accomplish my goal which ruined my like and made be miserable..
I was looking for a solution and somehow I found IML and I unconsciously started experimenting with the subs for about a year and found what I need.

Your fear was the driving emotion which helping u live ur life. In ur job, ur choices everything. These were the hidden emotions which were hidden deep into ur mind and now they r all coming to surface... All u have to do is to face them. Not fight but just face them. Don't be afraid of those emotions just face them. Once u do that u will realise how powerful u r and how weak they are..

Face these zombiefied emotions and u will be free..

Thanks Zane. You are really inspiring. Some of my traumas that's I remember (from the very beginning of my life) are follows-

+. At the time when I was the student of play group one day I found that my seniors are busy to cleaning their teeth, nails etc because Thana Education Officer will visit our school and he will beat all the students who are not enough neat and clean. As soon as I heared that I became afraid and started crying. When I was cried one of my uncle came to me and I left the school with him (for that day). This nervousness were in my mind for a lot of day. It happened when I was only 4 years old.

+. At the period of my play group I also remain afraid because I saw some teachers were beat the senior students very badly. This fear were in my mind up to my secondary school certification. This can be the root cause of fear of teacher. In our country (at that time) students were beaten very badly by teachers up to secondary level

+. At that time I also sometime become afraid due to a gossip "Someone will slaughter me". This fear didn't sustained very long time.

+. When I was the first day of my school one of my teacher beaten me and I carried a lot. I still remember after that I was carried everyday to go to school and one of my elder sister sat beside me in class room so that I don't cry. At that time I was only 5 years.

+. When I was class 05 (at my 10 years old) we beaten one of my classmate. As a result he complained to head master against us. After hearing that we were very afraid thinking that our head master will beat us very much. But actually he didn't do that. He just made a mutual solution. At that time I was only 10 years old.

+. When I was class 05 I was afraid for Junior School Certification Exam because from some seniors I came to know that it would very hard and the in-charge of the exam can ban me from the exam for any mistake.

+. When I was in class six (age only 11) one of my neighbor committed suicide. At that time I were very nervous after knowing that her dead body became very ghastly. Even I didn't saw her dead body due to nervousness. I was as much afraid due to this that I started praying due to the fear of death at that time. Consciously I was afraid at least one more year for that. After this incident I still can't go to see any dead body. It causes me fear.

+. When I was class eight (at the age 13) there were fighting between people of two areas (in front of me) due to showing the power. They used different weapons against each other. At that time I became very afraid and ran away from there.

+. I came from a lower middle class family where money is one of the regular problem. I had to struggle huge for my fooding, clothing etc. Even when I was a undergraduate student sometimes I had to passed day without eating anything due to lack of money. A lot of day I passed when I just took a glass of water and a piece of biscuit as my breakfast or launch or dinner because I failed to afford more than that. A lot of days I passed when I took only a cup of tea and a biscuit for my launch or dinner or breakfast. A lot of day passed when I took nothing in my breakfast or launch or dinner. These memories still exists in my mind. Even I become afraid when I think about that time.

+. When I was undergrad level student once I was arrested by police (without any offence). What I did were I was Gossiping with some of my friends beside road. At that time police raid that area and arrested us and put into the cell. Our Varsity Authority came and bailed us. Still I feel nervous for this and pray to Almighty so that I never fall such situation for second time.

+. Two years before there was a terrible incident happened in Nepal. Earthquake. At that time the effects of those earth quakes also affected our country very badly. Each day of earthquake I was at level 16 so I felt the vibration of the earthquake very badly. Still this is the source of my nervousness

+. When I was very child I often listen different terrible stories like stories about ghost, stories about robbers etc. from my grand mother. Those stories made me afraid at that time.

+. My boss fired some employees in front of me (different time for different reasons but those reasons were not enough massive for fire an employee). This can be the cause of my fear too.

As far as I remember those are the fearful events in my life.

You asked me to face those emotions. How can I face them? Can you please explain briefly?

I don't mean to interrupt your journal and I cannot explain how facing your emotions can help you overcome them but ill try and assist in explaining what I know and understand.

There is a methodology that teaches people to accept their emotions as simply an emotion, the same way you accept that the day is light and night is without light, it doesnt change anything except that you accept this is the way it is.

So accepting your emotions, which means feeling them inside you as they occur and saying YES to them releases them.

However you need to have a lot of patience with this technique and a lot of time and tbh neither of which most people have.

So I cannot suggest this and do not suggest this.

I also feel that facing or resurfacing your emotions doesn't release them it makes you either focus on them giving them power or if you try to accept them you simply become desensitised to them which I don't believe is healthy either.

I think what you have to understand is that we all have some level of pain in our lives and guess what we will all continue to have pain too.

This life is a test as some believe and therefore you cannot go through it simply not having issues BUT you are here now and you are using E2.

Clearly E2 is working for you. I didn't believe it worked for me for the time I had used it and I didn't notice it working on me either however for you its clear it is working.

No matter what your goals are with your career and all the learnings you have to do, I think since e2 is working then you should continue with it and help it to clear you of your emotional baggages.

It is something you have to sit and think hard about, which is when the time comes do you continue with e2, or move to MLS 5.5 or any other sub.

Since this sub is working, and since you have sat at your computer listing your past issues/traumas which I know you did after the advice you sought then perhaps dealing with those is your primary goal.

I also think that even if you do move to MLS which no body can blame you for since you have career goals for your life, then know that you can return to E2 at a later time to complete your healing.

All that I ask is that you:

1) Ask shannon how much time away from subs you should have, as a break from e2 to any sub you may want to use later, such as MLS 5.5G. Its often unwise to jump from 1 sub to straight to another unless Shannon says.

2) Sit with a pen and paper and evaluate which needs priority, your healing or other goals and that way you can know what to move onto next if you need to or know to remain on E2 for a year or longer.

Either way, I believe myself that focusing on emotions and trauma does nothing, sometimes life just gives you a bad hand and you may never understand why yourself. Only know that no matter how bad your life is, there is always someone in a worse position who still gives thanks to God and smiles and that teaches us all that with all our fears we can still know we don't have as bad as another.

I know my words are easy, and its easy to type but were all here to help one another 1 way or another, so don't worry about your past, let E2 deal with your past, you simply work out where you want to go with your future and let your journey and your adventure be Awesome!