It's incredible to me how much of my life has been driven by the desire to externally reinforce my belief that I'm special. I've been told I'm special all my life. Yet to every single woman I've opened my heart, the opposite was true. But I keep seeking ways to be special to women. First it was to be the ideal, the perfect husband material. This left women dryer than a desert. And naturally they got bored. Then it was being a player. Women (when I could get them) were wetter than the ocean. Except they all just used me for their own pleasure like I was a fun toy. Now my ploy is to be selective. It never ends.
It's not just with women. This is especially true in al of my professional endeavours. In a corporate environment I act as if I'm special and people take notice and treat me that way (I obviously back it up with ability and knowledge). In my entrepreneurial endeavours I must, must have an original idea and be at the forefront of thinking or I'm disappointed. It's in my behaviour everywhere in life. Even when I used to play games.
My self-worth is entirely dependent on the world acting towards me as if I am special. When people act like the opposite is true I am completely crushed. And I mean deep depression kind of crushed. Every time I break up with a woman and she shows me that I'm not special my self-worth plummets to zero. Whenever I am rejected professionally or romantically my self-worth plummets to zero.
The most special people I've met though are those who have been extraordinary yet extraordinarily humble. I hope that this is where I'm heading.
Ps. I think, given how much growth I've had to go through to get to this point, that this is a form of validation for my hypothesis that a big source of resistance for me has been the ego balancer. That seems to be where most of the growth is coming from.
It's not just with women. This is especially true in al of my professional endeavours. In a corporate environment I act as if I'm special and people take notice and treat me that way (I obviously back it up with ability and knowledge). In my entrepreneurial endeavours I must, must have an original idea and be at the forefront of thinking or I'm disappointed. It's in my behaviour everywhere in life. Even when I used to play games.
My self-worth is entirely dependent on the world acting towards me as if I am special. When people act like the opposite is true I am completely crushed. And I mean deep depression kind of crushed. Every time I break up with a woman and she shows me that I'm not special my self-worth plummets to zero. Whenever I am rejected professionally or romantically my self-worth plummets to zero.
The most special people I've met though are those who have been extraordinary yet extraordinarily humble. I hope that this is where I'm heading.
Ps. I think, given how much growth I've had to go through to get to this point, that this is a form of validation for my hypothesis that a big source of resistance for me has been the ego balancer. That seems to be where most of the growth is coming from.
