Somehow frustrated again but also angry. Was out yesterday night. At the very begin there were four girls dancing and one of them was looking at me for a while. I didn't do anything at the time and later I changed the room (the have different rooms). After some time there I noticed I really got in mood for dancing and entered the dancefloor. I noticed there two girls I also noticed in the room I was before where we also had some eye contact. I started dancing closer but after few minutes she simply said "no" and pointed me to leave the dancefloor (or going into the other end of dancefloor, I don't know). Of course, I didn't leave, just moved away a few steps and continued dancing.
After few minutes the four girls from begin came to the dancefloor and started dancing with me. Three of them were looking at me like there were expecting me to do something but the one I had eye contact before in the other room didn't even look at me and after the rejection before I was somehow discouraged to do something. At least if I don't even get a look and a smile. But it didn't took long anyway as someone who worked there said something to one of them and they left and started discussing something with him. I also had enough at this point and left.
Forgot to mention, as I was dancing with these girls the girl who rejected me left. I wouldn't noticed but of any points where she could leave the dancefloor she left exactly where I have been. And I still wouldn't notice but at some point I noticed a hand touching my upper arm and I turned around. It was her while passing by but she was the only person doing so. So why the hell is this happening after she almost wanted me to leave her world? I don't get it.
Another thing with the girl from begin. Why is she having eye contact with me, coming to the dancefloor with her friend to me but then acting like she wouldn't see me? Another thing I don't get.
Good thing is, I was always somehow afraid of being shamed for doing something wrong but it didn't happen. Just a simple rejection. Yes, it felt definitely uncomfortable but not much of shame. Another thing I noticed that I am not that much afraid of being rejected, I simply want to avoid feeling frustrated or angry because of this. And it doesn't even feel like the rejection itself caused this so it isn't like I am frustrated because she did something to me. It feels more like every time this happens I feel like I failed which causes the frustration. But after failing again and again...no matter what I do...for more than two decades....this isn't that surprising at all. And I also noticed that I still have got a problem with being sexual. Actually it feels like the fear of being called out for sexual harassment if she would notice that I am aroused or something. I really hate this crap.
But I am also missing something with regard to the flirting/dating (other than social skills) and this is some lightness and fun. This all feels more like heavy, serious work - maybe caused through frustration - I mean I can barely smile. This negativity inside (or maybe it is just pressure, I don't know) is overwhelming and something has to happen about is. I know, the healing takes care probably of those things but I am somehow impatient.
Other than that I got few online matches at the last days but they don't respond after texting them. Two women initiated a conversation. The one send me a message like "hey, wanna meet?". I answered "When are you free?" but got no response anymore. Another one sent me just a smiley and she responded to my texts. But I don't know what to think because I saw her pics and there are two where I would rate her 6.5 but there are also two I would barely rate her a 4... So, I don't know, she could be like anything between 3 and 7 in real life.
So it had become a pretty long post again.
EDIT:
2 days ago: 2 loops (both masked), another one later masked
yesterday: 2 loops (both masked)
After few minutes the four girls from begin came to the dancefloor and started dancing with me. Three of them were looking at me like there were expecting me to do something but the one I had eye contact before in the other room didn't even look at me and after the rejection before I was somehow discouraged to do something. At least if I don't even get a look and a smile. But it didn't took long anyway as someone who worked there said something to one of them and they left and started discussing something with him. I also had enough at this point and left.
Forgot to mention, as I was dancing with these girls the girl who rejected me left. I wouldn't noticed but of any points where she could leave the dancefloor she left exactly where I have been. And I still wouldn't notice but at some point I noticed a hand touching my upper arm and I turned around. It was her while passing by but she was the only person doing so. So why the hell is this happening after she almost wanted me to leave her world? I don't get it.
Another thing with the girl from begin. Why is she having eye contact with me, coming to the dancefloor with her friend to me but then acting like she wouldn't see me? Another thing I don't get.
Good thing is, I was always somehow afraid of being shamed for doing something wrong but it didn't happen. Just a simple rejection. Yes, it felt definitely uncomfortable but not much of shame. Another thing I noticed that I am not that much afraid of being rejected, I simply want to avoid feeling frustrated or angry because of this. And it doesn't even feel like the rejection itself caused this so it isn't like I am frustrated because she did something to me. It feels more like every time this happens I feel like I failed which causes the frustration. But after failing again and again...no matter what I do...for more than two decades....this isn't that surprising at all. And I also noticed that I still have got a problem with being sexual. Actually it feels like the fear of being called out for sexual harassment if she would notice that I am aroused or something. I really hate this crap.
But I am also missing something with regard to the flirting/dating (other than social skills) and this is some lightness and fun. This all feels more like heavy, serious work - maybe caused through frustration - I mean I can barely smile. This negativity inside (or maybe it is just pressure, I don't know) is overwhelming and something has to happen about is. I know, the healing takes care probably of those things but I am somehow impatient.
Other than that I got few online matches at the last days but they don't respond after texting them. Two women initiated a conversation. The one send me a message like "hey, wanna meet?". I answered "When are you free?" but got no response anymore. Another one sent me just a smiley and she responded to my texts. But I don't know what to think because I saw her pics and there are two where I would rate her 6.5 but there are also two I would barely rate her a 4... So, I don't know, she could be like anything between 3 and 7 in real life.
So it had become a pretty long post again.
EDIT:
2 days ago: 2 loops (both masked), another one later masked
yesterday: 2 loops (both masked)
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.
