06-01-2017, 08:21 AM
So far so good with stage 7. No crippling depression or anxiety. Actually feel good from it, like a little boost.
At work this girl has been constantly give me shit. Like telling me I suck, randomly getting in my way, slapping my hand with random objects, just really bratty behavior. But the other day she started asking me why I never talk and why I'm so quiet and all that stuff. That question still shakes me up, it hits on deep insecurities I've had all my life about myself. Anyway I have no idea if she's into me or if she just likes messing with me because I don't do anything back. Either way I don't really care. Just to be clear 90% of the time I'm just laughing at her because I can't take her seriously so there's no need to stand up for myself or anything. The other 10% of the time I'll just straight up ignore her.
But it did get me thinking about something. If this girl is attracted to me, it's not that I'm oblivious to the signs. It's more like I don't believe she could be attracted to me for whatever reason. Instead of thinking "hey cool, she's into me" I get into some complex internal monologue in my head about why she could be into me. Basically it still feels like I'm stuck in the idea that girls in general have no interest in me. Likely due to my past experiences where I was so closed off I didn't really give anyone a chance to get close to me. To be honest it's really strange and foreign to me to have a girl interested in me, that's how far out of my own reality it was for a while. So there's definitely some dissonance going on here being a high value person in the eyes of others, but not holding that same image of myself which is kind of confusing. It's like having your feet planted in two different realities, but neither side holds more weight.
At work this girl has been constantly give me shit. Like telling me I suck, randomly getting in my way, slapping my hand with random objects, just really bratty behavior. But the other day she started asking me why I never talk and why I'm so quiet and all that stuff. That question still shakes me up, it hits on deep insecurities I've had all my life about myself. Anyway I have no idea if she's into me or if she just likes messing with me because I don't do anything back. Either way I don't really care. Just to be clear 90% of the time I'm just laughing at her because I can't take her seriously so there's no need to stand up for myself or anything. The other 10% of the time I'll just straight up ignore her.
But it did get me thinking about something. If this girl is attracted to me, it's not that I'm oblivious to the signs. It's more like I don't believe she could be attracted to me for whatever reason. Instead of thinking "hey cool, she's into me" I get into some complex internal monologue in my head about why she could be into me. Basically it still feels like I'm stuck in the idea that girls in general have no interest in me. Likely due to my past experiences where I was so closed off I didn't really give anyone a chance to get close to me. To be honest it's really strange and foreign to me to have a girl interested in me, that's how far out of my own reality it was for a while. So there's definitely some dissonance going on here being a high value person in the eyes of others, but not holding that same image of myself which is kind of confusing. It's like having your feet planted in two different realities, but neither side holds more weight.
