04-20-2017, 06:40 AM
I've realized as long as I hold onto the identity of someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, I'll always have it. That goes for shame as well. If I hold onto the identity of being an undesirable person, that's what I'll get. My constant identification with the struggles I face is what keeps me stuck the most. And I think part of my issue that keeps me from fully embracing AM is a fear of loss of my identity.
A lot of my posts over the progress with this sub are the ramblings of my mind trying to rationalize in the best way possible why I should hold onto my old identity. I'd have excuses as to why change just wasn't that easy for me or how I needed to heal a lot of more deeply held core issues. But it was never about the healing. Healing, although not always painless, goes when you need it to go. But getting up to that point of being ready to heal, being ready to let go of the old self and bring in the new is the most important step. I recognize that AM did make some growth in me. But the fear of loss is what held me back the most, like stepping on the gas while holding down the brake at the same time. And there were certain gaps where I eased up on the brakes and moved a bit, but slammed back down.
And fear makes for some damn good compelling arguments, I'll tell you that much. Part of my difficulty with growth on this sub is not being able to distinguish those thoughts and beliefs that held me back the most. At the time they seem accurate or realistic, until you start moving past them then you think what the hell was I thinking?
A lot of my posts over the progress with this sub are the ramblings of my mind trying to rationalize in the best way possible why I should hold onto my old identity. I'd have excuses as to why change just wasn't that easy for me or how I needed to heal a lot of more deeply held core issues. But it was never about the healing. Healing, although not always painless, goes when you need it to go. But getting up to that point of being ready to heal, being ready to let go of the old self and bring in the new is the most important step. I recognize that AM did make some growth in me. But the fear of loss is what held me back the most, like stepping on the gas while holding down the brake at the same time. And there were certain gaps where I eased up on the brakes and moved a bit, but slammed back down.
And fear makes for some damn good compelling arguments, I'll tell you that much. Part of my difficulty with growth on this sub is not being able to distinguish those thoughts and beliefs that held me back the most. At the time they seem accurate or realistic, until you start moving past them then you think what the hell was I thinking?
