04-19-2017, 02:56 PM
Day 48
This is time for a reset. To start anew, rise from the ashes of yesteryear.
Kind of at least. As I wrote before I spend this Easter at my parents', similarly to how I spend last Christmas. The difference between the two was that while in the winter this stay made me depressed and pretty much useless, the spring made me motivated. Ergo it's time for a reset. Without scorching the earth or anything like that, just to forgive myself and go on with newly found strength.
I almost want to put two dates in my journal now. I will not switch the sub or the version as I'm sticking to DMSI 3.1A till new version is out. But something has chances over past days. I feel like I went full circle on the sub and came back to the place I was at the beginning of this run. All chances I had I either ruined (consciously or not) or were just a mirage to begin with. All mayor milestones I seem to gained these past week kinda proved not that big of a deal. I mean I'm still bitter over my ex and I'm still in this white knight mindset. Nihil sub sole novum it seems.
Bet something did change! These past 7 weeks were not wasted. Back then I felt like I was playing poker and not only I didn't know my foes' cards, I didn't know my own. Now... I still don't know my hand, but I can see those cards. There are blurred, I'm unsure if I hold King or Jack, Hearts of Diamonds. But at least I know something. This run so far was full of surprises, unexpected events and failures. Possibility made me... needy. They made expectations, and those expectations killed any opportunity I had. I'm wiser now. I will play my cards, or at least try to. I will not play on the luck alone.
I started to get these strong feeling in me. I can only attribute those to DMSI finally breaking through my deepest resistance. Those feeling really make me wanna lose weight, learn more, go on instead of running away, stop smoking, go full NoFap. I always had those but they would go away as soon as they came. Now they linger much longer. Accompanied by anger and forgiveness, in strange and unlikely superposition. I'm just so tired of giving up!
For example, and I find this funny, I really want to shave now. I am quite a animal for a couple of years you see, I hate shaving. I asked 3 girls, my female friend and two of the girls I used to write about on there very pages, if I should do it or not. Send them my before and after photos. All of them said I look better with beard! And still, while in the past opinion of just one of them would be enough sway me, I want to start shaving regularly regardless. This might be because beard reminds me of my ex (she loved viking types) or maybe because beard reminds me of depression. Or maybe I'm sick of "female friend advice" and I know I cannot trust people who say what a great guy while I suffer chronic loneliness. But then why did I bother to ask them? I don't know, I simply wrote to them without much thought
Anyhow, for whatever reason, I have this in me and it doesn't want to go away.
I don't promise I will do all of those things. Or stop them, you catch my meaning. That would be only hurtful as I concentrate on too many things. "If you chase two rabbits, you will lose them both." So I don't say I'm going NoFap start today or I will never buy myself a beer to go to sleep more easily. But I will use the heck out of this motivation. If it stops, damn, back to slow grind. If not however I may actually be getting somewhere.
Also I find this astonishing that only 7 weeks had passed. This day alone feels like a week. Time before Easter feels like a month ago. Start of this run feels like a year or two! I have no idea what is going on with my sense of time. For me time free of obligations (like this Easter kinda was, spend on meditation and drinking with family) would always go extremely fast. Summer holidays would be gone in like a 2 or 3 weeks, Christmas in like 2. When each day is the same it's hard to differentiate days, they all look, smell and taste the same. Now every day is different and so time seems to flow slooooooowly.
Not a boring day with DMSI, amarite?
This is time for a reset. To start anew, rise from the ashes of yesteryear.
Kind of at least. As I wrote before I spend this Easter at my parents', similarly to how I spend last Christmas. The difference between the two was that while in the winter this stay made me depressed and pretty much useless, the spring made me motivated. Ergo it's time for a reset. Without scorching the earth or anything like that, just to forgive myself and go on with newly found strength.
I almost want to put two dates in my journal now. I will not switch the sub or the version as I'm sticking to DMSI 3.1A till new version is out. But something has chances over past days. I feel like I went full circle on the sub and came back to the place I was at the beginning of this run. All chances I had I either ruined (consciously or not) or were just a mirage to begin with. All mayor milestones I seem to gained these past week kinda proved not that big of a deal. I mean I'm still bitter over my ex and I'm still in this white knight mindset. Nihil sub sole novum it seems.
Bet something did change! These past 7 weeks were not wasted. Back then I felt like I was playing poker and not only I didn't know my foes' cards, I didn't know my own. Now... I still don't know my hand, but I can see those cards. There are blurred, I'm unsure if I hold King or Jack, Hearts of Diamonds. But at least I know something. This run so far was full of surprises, unexpected events and failures. Possibility made me... needy. They made expectations, and those expectations killed any opportunity I had. I'm wiser now. I will play my cards, or at least try to. I will not play on the luck alone.
I started to get these strong feeling in me. I can only attribute those to DMSI finally breaking through my deepest resistance. Those feeling really make me wanna lose weight, learn more, go on instead of running away, stop smoking, go full NoFap. I always had those but they would go away as soon as they came. Now they linger much longer. Accompanied by anger and forgiveness, in strange and unlikely superposition. I'm just so tired of giving up!
For example, and I find this funny, I really want to shave now. I am quite a animal for a couple of years you see, I hate shaving. I asked 3 girls, my female friend and two of the girls I used to write about on there very pages, if I should do it or not. Send them my before and after photos. All of them said I look better with beard! And still, while in the past opinion of just one of them would be enough sway me, I want to start shaving regularly regardless. This might be because beard reminds me of my ex (she loved viking types) or maybe because beard reminds me of depression. Or maybe I'm sick of "female friend advice" and I know I cannot trust people who say what a great guy while I suffer chronic loneliness. But then why did I bother to ask them? I don't know, I simply wrote to them without much thought
Anyhow, for whatever reason, I have this in me and it doesn't want to go away.I don't promise I will do all of those things. Or stop them, you catch my meaning. That would be only hurtful as I concentrate on too many things. "If you chase two rabbits, you will lose them both." So I don't say I'm going NoFap start today or I will never buy myself a beer to go to sleep more easily. But I will use the heck out of this motivation. If it stops, damn, back to slow grind. If not however I may actually be getting somewhere.
Also I find this astonishing that only 7 weeks had passed. This day alone feels like a week. Time before Easter feels like a month ago. Start of this run feels like a year or two! I have no idea what is going on with my sense of time. For me time free of obligations (like this Easter kinda was, spend on meditation and drinking with family) would always go extremely fast. Summer holidays would be gone in like a 2 or 3 weeks, Christmas in like 2. When each day is the same it's hard to differentiate days, they all look, smell and taste the same. Now every day is different and so time seems to flow slooooooowly.
Not a boring day with DMSI, amarite?
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
