04-09-2017, 05:03 AM
Day 38
Not a boring day with DMSI. I'd just wish some were more optimistic.
A short preface first. This is gonna be one of those long posts so brace yourself. Also I'm writing this while everything is still fresh in my head, it's very likely that if I were to write later today this would look very different. Anyhow let's go!
Long distance relationship candidate is out. I've been pretty much cucked. She went to the party yesterday and apparently found herself guy to cheer her up after her break-up. Now, as she's not "that kind of girl" and he's very into her she wants to be with her. So yeah.
It's just so... disappointing. I know I wrote a couple of updates back how I don't expect any of my currents female friends to work out for me, I know. But stars seemed to align with this one. Something seems so damn wrong right now. I don't believe, I refuse to believe in concept of coincidence but I don't yet understand what all of this means. There is too much to ignore and yet reading too much into this is folly.
I feel angry. At myself, not at her. Yesterday I wrote how she must be emotionally vulnerable and how I don't want to take advantage of her. Well, someone else took advantage and didn't felt any guilt
This shows how stupid and naive I am when it comes to women. I still have this "white knight" outlook for then that even my b**ch ex couldn't kill. All the cynicyzm I project serve to preserve this feel and Universe (or my subconscious self) proves me time and again this is complete BS. I wrote how she was one of three women that made me believe all red pill's bitterness towards women is void. Well, only two remain 
I feel sad. Whenever I feel like I'm doing well with some girl and she starts to get within my reach it just goes away. Do you know "Never Never" by The Assembly? Yeah, it's this kind of sadness. Feeling of overwhelming powerlessness. All this talk how I should focus on myself and just see what future might bring? Yeah, it all stems from this feeling. It easily goes to "why bother" kind of feeling but thankfully I can easily kill it. There is too much anger in me to sit idly.
Do you wanna hear the funniest thing for me right now? If when I meet with her and she gives me signs I will be ruthless. I will take advantage of the "vulnerable" girl. Why shouldn't I? Why should I ever again play the White Knight? I will never get into long distance relationship with her but casual sex? Sure! She has a boyfriend? Well, I'm not jealous
Of course if she doesn't make a move then we'll be just friends. I have no problems being her friend as long as she doesn't play me. We'll see.
If I were to guess why all this BS is happening I would say I really need to stop my white knight routine. It's this type of social programming that is so deep in my head that it is no matter how many times I'll be proven wrong because I'll stick to it as if my life depended on it. Who knows, maybe I'm just overreacting or trying to make sense off of a mess that makes none. But there is simply too much data to ignore. When you tried something all your life and fail the whole time perhaps it's time for a major shift.
I feel like there is another page or so for me to write but I simply don't know how to put it all into words. I feel such a superposition of emotions right now it's indescribable. Is the DMSI working or not? Is my subconscious screwing my results or trying to tell me something? How bad am I really screwed in my head? Only next weeks or months while I keep up with the sub will bring me the answers.
Chance is but a name for Law not recognized.
Not a boring day with DMSI. I'd just wish some were more optimistic.
A short preface first. This is gonna be one of those long posts so brace yourself. Also I'm writing this while everything is still fresh in my head, it's very likely that if I were to write later today this would look very different. Anyhow let's go!
Long distance relationship candidate is out. I've been pretty much cucked. She went to the party yesterday and apparently found herself guy to cheer her up after her break-up. Now, as she's not "that kind of girl" and he's very into her she wants to be with her. So yeah.
It's just so... disappointing. I know I wrote a couple of updates back how I don't expect any of my currents female friends to work out for me, I know. But stars seemed to align with this one. Something seems so damn wrong right now. I don't believe, I refuse to believe in concept of coincidence but I don't yet understand what all of this means. There is too much to ignore and yet reading too much into this is folly.
I feel angry. At myself, not at her. Yesterday I wrote how she must be emotionally vulnerable and how I don't want to take advantage of her. Well, someone else took advantage and didn't felt any guilt
This shows how stupid and naive I am when it comes to women. I still have this "white knight" outlook for then that even my b**ch ex couldn't kill. All the cynicyzm I project serve to preserve this feel and Universe (or my subconscious self) proves me time and again this is complete BS. I wrote how she was one of three women that made me believe all red pill's bitterness towards women is void. Well, only two remain I feel sad. Whenever I feel like I'm doing well with some girl and she starts to get within my reach it just goes away. Do you know "Never Never" by The Assembly? Yeah, it's this kind of sadness. Feeling of overwhelming powerlessness. All this talk how I should focus on myself and just see what future might bring? Yeah, it all stems from this feeling. It easily goes to "why bother" kind of feeling but thankfully I can easily kill it. There is too much anger in me to sit idly.
Do you wanna hear the funniest thing for me right now? If when I meet with her and she gives me signs I will be ruthless. I will take advantage of the "vulnerable" girl. Why shouldn't I? Why should I ever again play the White Knight? I will never get into long distance relationship with her but casual sex? Sure! She has a boyfriend? Well, I'm not jealous
Of course if she doesn't make a move then we'll be just friends. I have no problems being her friend as long as she doesn't play me. We'll see.If I were to guess why all this BS is happening I would say I really need to stop my white knight routine. It's this type of social programming that is so deep in my head that it is no matter how many times I'll be proven wrong because I'll stick to it as if my life depended on it. Who knows, maybe I'm just overreacting or trying to make sense off of a mess that makes none. But there is simply too much data to ignore. When you tried something all your life and fail the whole time perhaps it's time for a major shift.
I feel like there is another page or so for me to write but I simply don't know how to put it all into words. I feel such a superposition of emotions right now it's indescribable. Is the DMSI working or not? Is my subconscious screwing my results or trying to tell me something? How bad am I really screwed in my head? Only next weeks or months while I keep up with the sub will bring me the answers.
Chance is but a name for Law not recognized.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
