Days 27-32: March 28th-April 3rd, 2017
Version: 3.1A
Format: Trickling Stream Hybrid FLAC
Player: Phone thru Headphones
Volume: 4 out of 15 clicks
I hadn't updated for the last while because it was really rough and I didn't want to update in that state of mind. I mean, look at my last post. Yuck...
I wanted to delete it, but fought the urge. It would be a good reference point in the future.
The same state continued for a good 4-5 days. I was more introverted than ever, I thought I was gonna go crazy. Saying that I was terrified would be an understatement. This thing was so strongly challenging some core beliefs that I've had. That's what it felt like at least. I'm not sure what those beliefs are. It felt like death was staring me in the eye. Waiting for me to screw up somehow so it can take over. Typing it out is giving me chills... So many hidden insecurities and fears rose to my consciousness. I flat out thought I was gonna get into a depressive spiral. But dare I say it was a "good depression"? It allowed me to go in, and come up with a plan of action. I asked the help of a couple of friends even. I have never done that before. I was terrified when I did it. I'm sure they even thought I was talking gibberish when I first opened my mouth to express myself. But things went well when I gained momentum.
I fully get what Shannon meant by "running away" now, because I felt it. I came close to quitting a few times. But I'm a fan of this "forced" healing compare to E2. Given, E2 is a way less powerful sub for healing, and I would buy E3 in a heartbeat, but for the time being, I'm a fan
At points it feels like a gun to the head situation. So persistence and endurance are key. Staring at fear and completely feeling it is part of the process. These were abstract concepts that I've read about, but they are real in my mind now. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And hopefully it's not roadrunner coming on the bus 
But that's done. Whatever was cleared, or partially cleared, I'm glad it was. For the past 2 days, I've been back to normal. Even slightly at a better level. I haven't enjoyed a weekend so much in a long time. There were a few instances where I laughed my heart out at the situation and left the people surrounding me in a better mood. Hell... I was skipping at some point while walking. Felt like a kid!
Two days ago, I believe, a thought popped up. It said, "now we execute the attraction bit of the script". Had two DIHLs the next day from very attractive women. I was amazed both times. Thought there was something wrong on my face. Then I remembered I was running DMSI. I feel like I had a calm lion's gaze in my eyes while walking. A "don't f*ck with me look", yet friendly and approachable if that makes sense. I mean, subconsciously I know how to be an alpha male. I've run AM6. I just didn't cooperate with it at the time. But I'm sure I still remember what the script said
If not fully, then at least in part.
Overall, with all the difficulties, it's a great run so far and it's gaining momentum. I'm contemplating on switching to version B, and I will on Saturday. I don't wanna do before then because I have an exam coming up and I don't wanna mess with my focus.
So far so good!
Version: 3.1A
Format: Trickling Stream Hybrid FLAC
Player: Phone thru Headphones
Volume: 4 out of 15 clicks
I hadn't updated for the last while because it was really rough and I didn't want to update in that state of mind. I mean, look at my last post. Yuck...
I wanted to delete it, but fought the urge. It would be a good reference point in the future.The same state continued for a good 4-5 days. I was more introverted than ever, I thought I was gonna go crazy. Saying that I was terrified would be an understatement. This thing was so strongly challenging some core beliefs that I've had. That's what it felt like at least. I'm not sure what those beliefs are. It felt like death was staring me in the eye. Waiting for me to screw up somehow so it can take over. Typing it out is giving me chills... So many hidden insecurities and fears rose to my consciousness. I flat out thought I was gonna get into a depressive spiral. But dare I say it was a "good depression"? It allowed me to go in, and come up with a plan of action. I asked the help of a couple of friends even. I have never done that before. I was terrified when I did it. I'm sure they even thought I was talking gibberish when I first opened my mouth to express myself. But things went well when I gained momentum.
I fully get what Shannon meant by "running away" now, because I felt it. I came close to quitting a few times. But I'm a fan of this "forced" healing compare to E2. Given, E2 is a way less powerful sub for healing, and I would buy E3 in a heartbeat, but for the time being, I'm a fan
At points it feels like a gun to the head situation. So persistence and endurance are key. Staring at fear and completely feeling it is part of the process. These were abstract concepts that I've read about, but they are real in my mind now. But there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And hopefully it's not roadrunner coming on the bus But that's done. Whatever was cleared, or partially cleared, I'm glad it was. For the past 2 days, I've been back to normal. Even slightly at a better level. I haven't enjoyed a weekend so much in a long time. There were a few instances where I laughed my heart out at the situation and left the people surrounding me in a better mood. Hell... I was skipping at some point while walking. Felt like a kid!
Two days ago, I believe, a thought popped up. It said, "now we execute the attraction bit of the script". Had two DIHLs the next day from very attractive women. I was amazed both times. Thought there was something wrong on my face. Then I remembered I was running DMSI. I feel like I had a calm lion's gaze in my eyes while walking. A "don't f*ck with me look", yet friendly and approachable if that makes sense. I mean, subconsciously I know how to be an alpha male. I've run AM6. I just didn't cooperate with it at the time. But I'm sure I still remember what the script said
If not fully, then at least in part.Overall, with all the difficulties, it's a great run so far and it's gaining momentum. I'm contemplating on switching to version B, and I will on Saturday. I don't wanna do before then because I have an exam coming up and I don't wanna mess with my focus.
So far so good!
INFJ
