Mystic Pymp on DMSI 2.4→2.5→3.0.1A→3.1A/B→3.2A/B→3.3D→3.3.1D

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 32 update

I had serious case of anxiety today and I have little idea why. What I gonna give you right now is my best guess. In the past months I come to be able to quite well guess sources of my issues but it is still just a guess.

I know I was talking about how outcome independent I want to be. And it's true as far as I'm concerned. But the fact that I don't really expect any of the girls I mention here to work out it doesn't mean I wouldn't like that.

Today I was hoping to meet my friend's flatmate at some event. She said she might now be able to come 2 days back or so and in the end she didn't. Not a big deal, I knew how this works. The are two buts though.

First but is that I have this in the back of my head that DMSI should make her run after me like crazy and if I present her the opportunity she should take it. If she doesn't it means I might be doing something wrong, right?

Second but is apparently before me she was to meet with some friend of hers and when I wrote to her if she's interested in going to the next event she send me picture of the beer she's been drinking at the meeting. I don't think it was a date but I still felt cucked. It was similar feeling to what I got when I saw my suicidal friend hugging her girlfriend. I shouldn't be jealous but still, for some reason, it hurts. OK, hurting is not the best description, but it does give me some anxiety I cannot easily control.

I would love to ask her out for a beer or two and at some point I probably will. She's great girlfriend material. The problem is she's my friend's roommate and asking her out might bring me all sorts of drama. I have no idea if she would agree or if she would reject me, I recon she'd agree, but I cannot really do a move before I talk about it with my friend. It doesn't really matter if he approves or not, I just want him to know that I'm into her. I played out this sort of drama with my ex, I won't do this lightly again. It does not mean I will not do this again though.

I'm not scared of being rejected by her. If she does so it's fine, we are only human and I have other options, not to mention I have no idea of knowing what might come in the future. But this waiting and uncertainty is taking its toll on me. It's funny how I consider myself a patient man but at the same time I cannot bare the thought of waiting if I have no idea how long this wait will take.

You might ask why won't you just sit and wait if you're confident more is on its way. Well, I do not wanna sit idly and wait for DMSI to do it's magic. It so extremely important for me not to ever look back and think that I've had wasted my chance. I will never know what will happen unless I try.