03-26-2017, 12:37 PM
(This post was last modified: 03-26-2017, 12:42 PM by Mystic Pymp.)
Day 24
Good to see Shannon is just a human sometimes
I felt quite an euphoria today. It wasn't as strong as with 2.4 where I would laugh to myself seeing the snow falling (man, was that beautiful!) but still the most powerful one with 3.1. It wasn't feeling like I was on drugs this time though. It was like I was falling in love, only with no one in particular. Like I was falling in love with some abstract concept. Did you ever love someone I forgave them something terrible just because of love? That is the best comparison I can come up with. And I think I know why it suits.
But before I will explain I want to point out something. It might sound strange but I don't think I deserved it. I mean before I would get those highs when I was doing something with myself. This time however I wasted last couple of days doing little useful stuff. If anything it seems I was going backwards for some time and so I felt bad. I'd deserve feeling good if I had moved my ass and do something useful, but no. I didn't. Also these past days went by so fast and seem to be impossibly long at the same time.
What I did was simple. I went for a walk yesterday and as always I let my thoughts flow. At some point I started to think about my ex. Last few months I would either try to kill those thoughts or they would turn into anger and accusations. "You killed this love" or "You wasted it all" I thought attacking her. But this time I started to converse with her. No anger, no love, only some kindness and human empathy. And during this inside me conversation I said something that shocked my core. "I never loved you. I loved version of you you made me believe in. Version I wanted to believe in."
Don't get me wrong, I knew this, but I would rather throw all the blame for my relationship's failure on her. Now I acknowledged it was my fault as much as hers and it was never meant to work. It's funny how you know something but still you will do all sorts of mental gymnastics not to accept it. Anyhow that kind of liberated me and today I had opportunity to think more about it. And the more I did the less anger there was in me. Replaced with self-forgiveness. With love.
Right now I'm thinking about writing a letter to her. It would be a very long letter. I want to give myself some time to think if I really wanna do it, but I feel this might bring me closure. Or at least some of it. I will do it strictly for myself, I don't really care if she reads it. And I don't want to regain contact with her. But writing all I feel right now would give me much good. If I decide to write it I will probably do it on April 1st. Prima Aprilis seems like a great time to do it but also I will go to my parents' for the weekend so I know I will have peace and quite to do so.
If this is the healing working then it did more that previous versions or AM ever could. And I appreciate that. And also Beacon Balls™ came back during my loops, if only at 40% of their total capacity
Good to see Shannon is just a human sometimes
I felt quite an euphoria today. It wasn't as strong as with 2.4 where I would laugh to myself seeing the snow falling (man, was that beautiful!) but still the most powerful one with 3.1. It wasn't feeling like I was on drugs this time though. It was like I was falling in love, only with no one in particular. Like I was falling in love with some abstract concept. Did you ever love someone I forgave them something terrible just because of love? That is the best comparison I can come up with. And I think I know why it suits.
But before I will explain I want to point out something. It might sound strange but I don't think I deserved it. I mean before I would get those highs when I was doing something with myself. This time however I wasted last couple of days doing little useful stuff. If anything it seems I was going backwards for some time and so I felt bad. I'd deserve feeling good if I had moved my ass and do something useful, but no. I didn't. Also these past days went by so fast and seem to be impossibly long at the same time.
What I did was simple. I went for a walk yesterday and as always I let my thoughts flow. At some point I started to think about my ex. Last few months I would either try to kill those thoughts or they would turn into anger and accusations. "You killed this love" or "You wasted it all" I thought attacking her. But this time I started to converse with her. No anger, no love, only some kindness and human empathy. And during this inside me conversation I said something that shocked my core. "I never loved you. I loved version of you you made me believe in. Version I wanted to believe in."
Don't get me wrong, I knew this, but I would rather throw all the blame for my relationship's failure on her. Now I acknowledged it was my fault as much as hers and it was never meant to work. It's funny how you know something but still you will do all sorts of mental gymnastics not to accept it. Anyhow that kind of liberated me and today I had opportunity to think more about it. And the more I did the less anger there was in me. Replaced with self-forgiveness. With love.
Right now I'm thinking about writing a letter to her. It would be a very long letter. I want to give myself some time to think if I really wanna do it, but I feel this might bring me closure. Or at least some of it. I will do it strictly for myself, I don't really care if she reads it. And I don't want to regain contact with her. But writing all I feel right now would give me much good. If I decide to write it I will probably do it on April 1st. Prima Aprilis seems like a great time to do it but also I will go to my parents' for the weekend so I know I will have peace and quite to do so.
If this is the healing working then it did more that previous versions or AM ever could. And I appreciate that. And also Beacon Balls™ came back during my loops, if only at 40% of their total capacity
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
