03-25-2017, 06:30 AM
As I make it further into AM6 my priorities are changing a lot. At first I wanted to toughen up and be super independent. But now I want to break myself down to my core and be open instead. I realize my defense mechanisms for getting through life have closed me off to those I love as well and I don't want that anymore. I'm still far from alpha because I don't even have the courage to be myself and be open with people. My insecurities are still very strong and I feel like I've been projecting this image of being alpha into my life without actually being alpha to make people think favorably of me. I want to stop giving a shit about being perceived as cool or confident or whatever. I've been lying to myself these past few months saying none of that mattered, but the truth is my actions spoke louder. Sometimes when you want something really bad you'll try to convince yourself you have it when you really don't. That's what I've been going through. And I guess more and more I'm seeing how E2 is necessary for me at this point. I need to stop trying to become something else to hide who I am.
