I didn't think it was possible for a person to have so much rage. But I just experienced an anger that was so vicious and vile that I'm actually scared of myself. The things I was thinking of doing and saying to people if they ever tried to hurt or disrespect me again was terrifying.
It's interesting -- I was actually feeling pretty good after this morning's intense workout. Came home, took a shower grabbed my phone and had a nice chat with one of my friends. After I got off the phone with him, I realized I was starving and had an incredible craving for carbs. So, I darted off to the Chinese restaurant nearby (relax, it's my cheat day) and grabbed a huge portion of fried rice and sesame chicken.
About an hour after I finished eating, I felt my body fill up with an immense amount of energy. My skin felt like it was on fire (in a "good" way). I was sitting under the covers and could literally feel the heat waves emanating from my body. I assume this was the energy sourcing. And then, BOOM.
The f*cking rage. The self-loathing. The hatred for everyone in my life. The hatred of my life. The depression. The tiredness of being who I am. The understanding that no woman actually cares and if they saw what I was writing right now, they'd use that to exalt themselves above me in value.
The sheer apathy toward what I was experiencing and the feeling that I wanted to simply wanted to give in to that darkness and do whatever it took to get what I wanted.
I'm very much aware of what happens if I don't keep my darkest impulses in check. I haven't unleashed that "beast" in over 3 years now, because the last time it happened, I nearly took someone's life in a fit of uncontrollable rage. I had to put my phone down to avoid sending off a slew of texts toward various people (ASS technology, I presume).
I believe the Chinese food caused the aura / clearing to kick in, and this darkness (which I call "the razor") manifested as a form of resistance. It's subsiding a bit. I got out of bed and lit some candles, put on some soothing piano music and I'm going to finally get around to filling out my taxes. Anything to avoid being stuck in bed with whatever the f*ck that was.
It's interesting -- I was actually feeling pretty good after this morning's intense workout. Came home, took a shower grabbed my phone and had a nice chat with one of my friends. After I got off the phone with him, I realized I was starving and had an incredible craving for carbs. So, I darted off to the Chinese restaurant nearby (relax, it's my cheat day) and grabbed a huge portion of fried rice and sesame chicken.
About an hour after I finished eating, I felt my body fill up with an immense amount of energy. My skin felt like it was on fire (in a "good" way). I was sitting under the covers and could literally feel the heat waves emanating from my body. I assume this was the energy sourcing. And then, BOOM.
The f*cking rage. The self-loathing. The hatred for everyone in my life. The hatred of my life. The depression. The tiredness of being who I am. The understanding that no woman actually cares and if they saw what I was writing right now, they'd use that to exalt themselves above me in value.
The sheer apathy toward what I was experiencing and the feeling that I wanted to simply wanted to give in to that darkness and do whatever it took to get what I wanted.
I'm very much aware of what happens if I don't keep my darkest impulses in check. I haven't unleashed that "beast" in over 3 years now, because the last time it happened, I nearly took someone's life in a fit of uncontrollable rage. I had to put my phone down to avoid sending off a slew of texts toward various people (ASS technology, I presume).
I believe the Chinese food caused the aura / clearing to kick in, and this darkness (which I call "the razor") manifested as a form of resistance. It's subsiding a bit. I got out of bed and lit some candles, put on some soothing piano music and I'm going to finally get around to filling out my taxes. Anything to avoid being stuck in bed with whatever the f*ck that was.
