02-21-2017, 07:42 AM
Oh cool. Let me know how it is.
So I went to the city last night. A few months ago I probably wouldn't have been able to do that without massive anxiety. But I did notice something that I need to work on. When I'm around a lot of people I don't know, I get intensely anxious. And to counteract this anxiety I'll sort of space out or dissociate from my surroundings. But yesterday I tried to stay with the anxiety and be as present as possible. It made me realize I'm not as far over my anxiety as I had assumed. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. At least by acknowledging that I still struggle with it a bit I can understand where my exhaustion comes from at times.
One thing that stuck out to me is this anxiety just made me feel like everyone was judging me intensely. But I know it's just me projecting my own insecurities onto the blank canvas of strangers. Interestingly enough in the past by assuming those projections were actual fact I would act in a way that manifested those insecurities. A self fulfilling prophecy pretty much.
Goal moving forward is to be with myself as much as possible in day to day life and not slip into that dissociated state. In order to learn to manage my emotions I can't check out. This also happens when I'm attempting to work on something I might perceive as difficult. I'll go through the motions of whatever it is I'm doing, but I'm not mentally there and there is no real learning taking place or comprehension. My mistake was thinking I could merely relax away anxiety, but it turns out the relaxation was actually a dissociated state in disguise. Trying to disarm these defense mechanisms will be the key to my success moving forward.
So I went to the city last night. A few months ago I probably wouldn't have been able to do that without massive anxiety. But I did notice something that I need to work on. When I'm around a lot of people I don't know, I get intensely anxious. And to counteract this anxiety I'll sort of space out or dissociate from my surroundings. But yesterday I tried to stay with the anxiety and be as present as possible. It made me realize I'm not as far over my anxiety as I had assumed. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. At least by acknowledging that I still struggle with it a bit I can understand where my exhaustion comes from at times.
One thing that stuck out to me is this anxiety just made me feel like everyone was judging me intensely. But I know it's just me projecting my own insecurities onto the blank canvas of strangers. Interestingly enough in the past by assuming those projections were actual fact I would act in a way that manifested those insecurities. A self fulfilling prophecy pretty much.
Goal moving forward is to be with myself as much as possible in day to day life and not slip into that dissociated state. In order to learn to manage my emotions I can't check out. This also happens when I'm attempting to work on something I might perceive as difficult. I'll go through the motions of whatever it is I'm doing, but I'm not mentally there and there is no real learning taking place or comprehension. My mistake was thinking I could merely relax away anxiety, but it turns out the relaxation was actually a dissociated state in disguise. Trying to disarm these defense mechanisms will be the key to my success moving forward.
