02-17-2017, 03:35 AM
Bah. I periodically go through phases where my energy drops through the floor, when it feels as though there nothing left to power my muscles. This is one of those times. It typically proceeds some form of deep work. Last time it was due to tantric yoga practices which are supposed to clear the subconscious after which a friend, who can be a tyrannical bully, kept remarking on how relaxed and strong I seemed (I was actually feeling incredibly weak, but was weak to the point where I was accepting of anything that might happen - somehow it seemed to intimidate him).
I don't know whether this is something subconscious being released, resistance, or a coincidental illness as it happened to me on occasionally on AM6 as well.
Somethings gotta give. Anyway with this, and the fact that me and my girlfriend have been in and out of colds and viruses for the last 3 months, I'm tempted once again to Jump the LTU happiness ship and perhaps do something like MHS.
In interesting LTU effects...
I seem to be beating back my 'ADD' symptoms. when I have long periods of work I'm starting to leave my phone somewhere away from me, get myself into a state of relaxation which allows my mind to flow better over problems I'm facing or solving - this is in stark contrast to my original approach which was to pile down a load of coffee, get really intense, burn out, get angry because I was going blank and procrastinating by looking at facebook/youtube.
I put this down to several impacts of LTU.
- First is self control, there is a stronger voice of restraint which tells me to keep going and put aside things which I've not set out to do
- Second resilience, self validation means that when I have a large expectation of myself and fall short (which is inevitable) my whole identity and value isn't thrown into question and I don't have to avoid work to prevent facing an ego bruising
- Third I'm less affected by the opinion of others. Having had to spend much of my teenage years fighting, being singled out by bullies, because I was the only one ethnically, of my kind in my area and would stick up for myself and others, I have become hyper sensitive and defensive to group dynamics and self perpetuate a feeling of being left out, along with a need to be accepted. Needing this less and less (because I'm more self validated), is helping me to not burn attention on what people are saying/doing
the third point is still a work in progress though, I'm leading teams and individuals now and can't help but feel disempowered and undermined when they show their own excellence, or make the odd comment which is less than kind. I don't want to be like this, but it is what it is for now.
What's working against it though is still a lot of complacency and enjoyment of being in a 'safe-zone'.
In a weird event that happened recently. Someone told me I was brutally killed in a past life and that I haven't gotten over this yet - it wouldn't mean much if it wasn't the third time someone has either said exactly this or alluded to it.
I don't know whether this is something subconscious being released, resistance, or a coincidental illness as it happened to me on occasionally on AM6 as well.
Somethings gotta give. Anyway with this, and the fact that me and my girlfriend have been in and out of colds and viruses for the last 3 months, I'm tempted once again to Jump the LTU happiness ship and perhaps do something like MHS.
In interesting LTU effects...
I seem to be beating back my 'ADD' symptoms. when I have long periods of work I'm starting to leave my phone somewhere away from me, get myself into a state of relaxation which allows my mind to flow better over problems I'm facing or solving - this is in stark contrast to my original approach which was to pile down a load of coffee, get really intense, burn out, get angry because I was going blank and procrastinating by looking at facebook/youtube.
I put this down to several impacts of LTU.
- First is self control, there is a stronger voice of restraint which tells me to keep going and put aside things which I've not set out to do
- Second resilience, self validation means that when I have a large expectation of myself and fall short (which is inevitable) my whole identity and value isn't thrown into question and I don't have to avoid work to prevent facing an ego bruising
- Third I'm less affected by the opinion of others. Having had to spend much of my teenage years fighting, being singled out by bullies, because I was the only one ethnically, of my kind in my area and would stick up for myself and others, I have become hyper sensitive and defensive to group dynamics and self perpetuate a feeling of being left out, along with a need to be accepted. Needing this less and less (because I'm more self validated), is helping me to not burn attention on what people are saying/doing
the third point is still a work in progress though, I'm leading teams and individuals now and can't help but feel disempowered and undermined when they show their own excellence, or make the odd comment which is less than kind. I don't want to be like this, but it is what it is for now.
What's working against it though is still a lot of complacency and enjoyment of being in a 'safe-zone'.
In a weird event that happened recently. Someone told me I was brutally killed in a past life and that I haven't gotten over this yet - it wouldn't mean much if it wasn't the third time someone has either said exactly this or alluded to it.
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
