02-14-2017, 09:19 AM
Now more than ever I realize how much time I've wasted ruminating on things instead of doing them. It's like I'd look at my situation, feel bad about it, and then basically meditate on feeling bad. Even now as I type this there's this compulsion to sink away and close myself off to the world. To give up and quit. It's gotten easier to not fall into that trap, but when I'm stressed out and my defenses are down I have a tendency to sink back into it.
My biggest mistake overall I think with this journey of self growth is wrongly assuming I need to feel good before I can get things done. It's not ideal, but even in the middle of anxiety or depression I should push myself to get things done. More than anything I want my life to run more smoothly, but until that day comes I have to keep moving forward.
It's been really hard facing myself. Not hiding behind the excuses of depression or anxiety anymore. Seeing where I gave up in my life and quit. I could lie here and say I was always trying my hardest, but the truth is I wasn't. I'd tell people I was just to get sympathy. I used to hate tough love because it shattered the illusion of where I was in life. Let me tell you something, when a person isn't ready for the truth they'll do whatever mental gymnastics they can to escape it.
This sub has me majorly stressed. It seems like I yo yo between two extremes. One is when I decide to start executing the instructions and push past the anxiety and fear. And two is when I collapse inward and convince myself that I'm pushing too hard and I wasn't ready to change yet and I need to relax. I think the second extreme is just resistance getting the better of me and I fall back. I'm trying not to do that anymore. I'm trying to increase my resilience and not give up in the face of challenges or increasing stress. That's the type of person I need to grow into, not the one that backs down from challenges and hides away.
My biggest mistake overall I think with this journey of self growth is wrongly assuming I need to feel good before I can get things done. It's not ideal, but even in the middle of anxiety or depression I should push myself to get things done. More than anything I want my life to run more smoothly, but until that day comes I have to keep moving forward.
It's been really hard facing myself. Not hiding behind the excuses of depression or anxiety anymore. Seeing where I gave up in my life and quit. I could lie here and say I was always trying my hardest, but the truth is I wasn't. I'd tell people I was just to get sympathy. I used to hate tough love because it shattered the illusion of where I was in life. Let me tell you something, when a person isn't ready for the truth they'll do whatever mental gymnastics they can to escape it.
This sub has me majorly stressed. It seems like I yo yo between two extremes. One is when I decide to start executing the instructions and push past the anxiety and fear. And two is when I collapse inward and convince myself that I'm pushing too hard and I wasn't ready to change yet and I need to relax. I think the second extreme is just resistance getting the better of me and I fall back. I'm trying not to do that anymore. I'm trying to increase my resilience and not give up in the face of challenges or increasing stress. That's the type of person I need to grow into, not the one that backs down from challenges and hides away.
