02-08-2017, 10:46 PM
Screw it, trying to keep this journal productive is utterly pointless so I'm just going to go back to saying whatever is on my mind.
I'm just really distraught right now. I thought I was doing so well and growing and getting better. But it just seems like I'm still in a goddamn bubble insulated from the harsh aspects of reality. I owe 8,000 dollars in student loans and while that's not too much I still hate the fact I haven't paid it off.
I'm sure there's something in AM about being able to take care of oneself. Right now I can't do that and it's making me feel like crap. I don't want to let my dreams die, but at the same time for a long time I've been entirely unrealistic about how I want life to be. I don't plan, I don't execute, I don't follow through on shit. It seems like I give everything a half-hearted attempt then give up and then tell myself I did my best which is a load of crap. I meander and drift through life hoping things will work out for me instead of making a dedicated effort to make them work out.
I'm dealing with a lot of anger, but it doesn't seem to be targeted towards anything in particular. Just life and how bullshit it can be at times and the fact that I'm having trouble finding happiness. Just utterly sick of the feeling of being afraid to move forward or try new things. Trying to break away from a life that's going to make me miserable in the long run.
I'm just really distraught right now. I thought I was doing so well and growing and getting better. But it just seems like I'm still in a goddamn bubble insulated from the harsh aspects of reality. I owe 8,000 dollars in student loans and while that's not too much I still hate the fact I haven't paid it off.
I'm sure there's something in AM about being able to take care of oneself. Right now I can't do that and it's making me feel like crap. I don't want to let my dreams die, but at the same time for a long time I've been entirely unrealistic about how I want life to be. I don't plan, I don't execute, I don't follow through on shit. It seems like I give everything a half-hearted attempt then give up and then tell myself I did my best which is a load of crap. I meander and drift through life hoping things will work out for me instead of making a dedicated effort to make them work out.
I'm dealing with a lot of anger, but it doesn't seem to be targeted towards anything in particular. Just life and how bullshit it can be at times and the fact that I'm having trouble finding happiness. Just utterly sick of the feeling of being afraid to move forward or try new things. Trying to break away from a life that's going to make me miserable in the long run.
