02-03-2017, 02:22 PM
More insight. Realized I've been having such a difficult time with AM because I haven't been releasing my emotions. I was listening earlier and I just watched my internal dialogue. Whenever things like sadness, frustration, or hopelesness came about I noticed I told myself "I shouldn't feel this, this is bad". I wasn't allowing myself to fully process my deeper emotions because I had learned through the years to stuff them down. Maybe I never got enough emotional validation as a kid, who knows. All I know is it's like things would be brought up just enough for me to become aware of them, but then something stopped like a plugged up drain. I felt super critical of having these emotions and judged them harshly. In doing so, I judged myself harshly and didn't give myself the compassion I need.
I think my biggest difficulty is just being so at odds with the world. And I think growing up I wanted to express that or get validation from other people, just something so I didn't feel so alone in the world. But I never got it because either people were so entrenched in their own limiting beliefs or they just fit in fine and didn't see the issue I had. It builds up after a while and it's been driving me insane. As much as I try to convince myself I don't need validation from others, it's not true. I mean, I'm posting this on a public forum for other people to read. Of course I want validation for what I'm experiencing, otherwise I'd keep this in a private journal on my computer.
I guess what I'm learning with this run of AM is it's not about toughening up. It's about really digging deep into yourself and being honest and accepting yourself and to try your best to improve yourself. You don't grow by throwing more armor over your body.
I think my biggest difficulty is just being so at odds with the world. And I think growing up I wanted to express that or get validation from other people, just something so I didn't feel so alone in the world. But I never got it because either people were so entrenched in their own limiting beliefs or they just fit in fine and didn't see the issue I had. It builds up after a while and it's been driving me insane. As much as I try to convince myself I don't need validation from others, it's not true. I mean, I'm posting this on a public forum for other people to read. Of course I want validation for what I'm experiencing, otherwise I'd keep this in a private journal on my computer.
I guess what I'm learning with this run of AM is it's not about toughening up. It's about really digging deep into yourself and being honest and accepting yourself and to try your best to improve yourself. You don't grow by throwing more armor over your body.
