01-16-2017, 02:19 PM
No words can describe how I'm feeling right now, but I'll try. I've been trying to understand how people can be happy in life. But damn it feels like I have these moments of feeling good followed by a slap in the face from reality. When I'm away from my job for about 2 days in a row my mood goes up. When I have to go back I get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach. I wonder if this happens to everyone or if it's me. It feels like the moments of happiness aren't enough. What I mean by that is it's like being constantly given these brief moments of clarity and peace and then it's torn away. It just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like how life should be.
But I don't know how to get out of it. I'm working on building up my programming skills. But to be honest I've been procrastinating a lot with it. I know part of it is because I'm not super passionate about it. In fact I've found myself being pulled consistently to working on my music and these past few weeks I've created something I'm really proud of. I can spend hours and hours on music, I can persist even when I'm hitting a wall, and out of everything in my life even when I've contemplated giving it up I've still come back to it. I just wish I could have that same focus towards programming or anything that could make me money to live on. I don't know. Maybe I need to pursue something like working in a music studio, but I can tell that fear is still there as well as self doubt about my own abilities. As well as still being stuck in that "realistic goals" mentality. You know, that mentality that everyone around you drills into your head and discourages going for anything that might not be deemed secure or guaranteed. Essentially fear.
And I just realized something. I've been a hell of a lot more positive lately. Instead of cowering into a corner when confronted with challenges and criticizing myself, I've been building myself up and trying to figure out how to get the most out of life. Still trying to figure out what that is. Especially now that I've embraced more of who I am and the fact that I need to work harder on accepting myself and not trying to change myself to fit my environment. Also screw retail jobs, I'm so done with those. Never again. Perfect example of me thinking I needed to change more to get used to working a job like that. Nope, I'll never be comfortable in a job like that because so far experience has taught me they are all toxic environments to work in.
But I don't know how to get out of it. I'm working on building up my programming skills. But to be honest I've been procrastinating a lot with it. I know part of it is because I'm not super passionate about it. In fact I've found myself being pulled consistently to working on my music and these past few weeks I've created something I'm really proud of. I can spend hours and hours on music, I can persist even when I'm hitting a wall, and out of everything in my life even when I've contemplated giving it up I've still come back to it. I just wish I could have that same focus towards programming or anything that could make me money to live on. I don't know. Maybe I need to pursue something like working in a music studio, but I can tell that fear is still there as well as self doubt about my own abilities. As well as still being stuck in that "realistic goals" mentality. You know, that mentality that everyone around you drills into your head and discourages going for anything that might not be deemed secure or guaranteed. Essentially fear.
And I just realized something. I've been a hell of a lot more positive lately. Instead of cowering into a corner when confronted with challenges and criticizing myself, I've been building myself up and trying to figure out how to get the most out of life. Still trying to figure out what that is. Especially now that I've embraced more of who I am and the fact that I need to work harder on accepting myself and not trying to change myself to fit my environment. Also screw retail jobs, I'm so done with those. Never again. Perfect example of me thinking I needed to change more to get used to working a job like that. Nope, I'll never be comfortable in a job like that because so far experience has taught me they are all toxic environments to work in.
