01-09-2017, 09:18 AM
Day 39
Anyone who follows this or my previous journals know I had plenty of problems with myself and through couple past weeks they seem to go even worse. I've bunkered myself up at my parent's since Christmas and while it game me plenty time to relax, think and meditate to understand myself but it ended up making things worse. I start to think I'm developing mild case of depression with usual symptoms - tiredness, finding it hard to work, trouble sleeping etc.
So I thought I could use some help and I went to the psychologist today. Of course he didn't help me much, he said some to the points things and proposed therapy. Sadly I don't have money for that and more than friend for money I need to move my ass. He said I'm very conflicted (well, that's what we call resistance here, when conscious wants one thing but subconscious wants another) and that I'm looking for someone to understand me. He's right, but he offered no solutions to my problems. At any rate I've tried it and maybe I will do serious psychotherapy at one point, but it is not today.
What's next then? I'd love to stop using DMSI and switch to LTU for example (or even better third run of AM), but I won't. I'm knee deep in this already and I will keep going whatever the cost, depression or not. I need some action, I need to sort things out. Pity for oneself is not a bad thing, but it won't keep me out of the hole I'm stuck in. Of course forcing myself is no way either but slow and steady progress is. One cannot change the world, but you can change myself.
If you need any proof of my resent problems there is a clear one - my body language. It's hard for me to hold one contact, I slouch and it's hard to me to smile. AM and later even DMSI gave me a lot in this area and I think I went back to pre-sub state in this regard. I almost wish I could look at myself from a year ago, I was completely different person back then - so much more confident and happy. Now? Now something's wrong and I can't quite put my finger on what, but I know I must keep going. On the bottom there is no way but up
I'm not sure if because of all this crap I will post more often or not. I didn't post much recently because I wanted to clear my head and it pretty much backfired. Maybe daily updates from now on are not a bad idea. We'll see. Before anyone asks I was getting my DMSI dose daily. I was listening to the ultrasonics only on old speakers (8-10 years) which can handle high frequencies, but maybe they've aged too much and something was wrong on that front? Anyhow I'm switching to hybrid now so hopefully something's gonna change.
Anyone who follows this or my previous journals know I had plenty of problems with myself and through couple past weeks they seem to go even worse. I've bunkered myself up at my parent's since Christmas and while it game me plenty time to relax, think and meditate to understand myself but it ended up making things worse. I start to think I'm developing mild case of depression with usual symptoms - tiredness, finding it hard to work, trouble sleeping etc.
So I thought I could use some help and I went to the psychologist today. Of course he didn't help me much, he said some to the points things and proposed therapy. Sadly I don't have money for that and more than friend for money I need to move my ass. He said I'm very conflicted (well, that's what we call resistance here, when conscious wants one thing but subconscious wants another) and that I'm looking for someone to understand me. He's right, but he offered no solutions to my problems. At any rate I've tried it and maybe I will do serious psychotherapy at one point, but it is not today.
What's next then? I'd love to stop using DMSI and switch to LTU for example (or even better third run of AM), but I won't. I'm knee deep in this already and I will keep going whatever the cost, depression or not. I need some action, I need to sort things out. Pity for oneself is not a bad thing, but it won't keep me out of the hole I'm stuck in. Of course forcing myself is no way either but slow and steady progress is. One cannot change the world, but you can change myself.
If you need any proof of my resent problems there is a clear one - my body language. It's hard for me to hold one contact, I slouch and it's hard to me to smile. AM and later even DMSI gave me a lot in this area and I think I went back to pre-sub state in this regard. I almost wish I could look at myself from a year ago, I was completely different person back then - so much more confident and happy. Now? Now something's wrong and I can't quite put my finger on what, but I know I must keep going. On the bottom there is no way but up
I'm not sure if because of all this crap I will post more often or not. I didn't post much recently because I wanted to clear my head and it pretty much backfired. Maybe daily updates from now on are not a bad idea. We'll see. Before anyone asks I was getting my DMSI dose daily. I was listening to the ultrasonics only on old speakers (8-10 years) which can handle high frequencies, but maybe they've aged too much and something was wrong on that front? Anyhow I'm switching to hybrid now so hopefully something's gonna change.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
