DMSI, will you be the final piece of puzzle?

[Shawn]

Deleted Bumble account, Tinder, I can't even delete it, as I don't have Facebook anymore. Tempted to delete OKC and even Match, it's just that they are too expensive to delete them easily. But it is probably a wise idea to delete them as to protect my privacy further.

In the end, it feels like I wasted so much money already on something useless.

I went to a social stuff today, and here is the worst part of it. Whenever I go to stuff like that and come back, I always come home feeling discouraged. No excitement, energy drained, time wasted, nothing really fun or anything interesting or encouraging to continue myself to work on the issue, getting myself out there in the social scene. Whenever I go and come back, I always feel what a wasted money, and what a wasted time.

Right now, I am having a total regret in purchasing the subliminal weapons as I am not going to be using them anytime soon (if ever), and I am also regretting that I wasted so much on trying to get on online dating stuff. I feel that I should have spent it on PS4 Pro instead. At least, I could have gotten a game or two with it, spent time enjoying stuff, think and reflect something from there and create a new idea. (Which I usually do from playing a good game, which I can and have used for my academics in many cases.) Or I could have visited more museums and have enjoyed the experiences instead of all the wasted time I spent on working on the useless stuff.

People will tell me I am wrong, and I have already heard that. Maybe I am wrong, but I don't care. 99% of the time I try to get social, or try to improve my game or social stuff. I always experience negative stuff (scammers, nearly being mobbed, spending too much mental and emotional energy, and etc.), and 0 positive. And even if there were any positives, that negative is too much that it masks positive (if there is any positives) and I can't see any of the positive.

The scam/catfishing experience, and all the negativity just reminds me of how naive I am, and how gullible I can be. A wishful think that I will develop an aura that will make things easier. Wishful thinking that I can somehow change this situation. With enough practices I'll get good at it and enjoy it. Doesn't feel like that this is the case. The more I do it, the more I am becoming certain that it will remain the same, and not change.

When I am only filled with negative emotions and negative feedback I experience, I can't sustain this much longer, and the more I do it, the less the motivation remains, and starts to even turn the other way around.

Good luck to you guys who are continuing the stuff. I don't think I will continue with this much further. If I stick with subs, I think I am more likely to switch to US/luck magnet, but I am not even sure if I am going to use any subs anytime soon. Even if I do, I think this time, I will probably not keep a journal, and will just let it play and totally forget about it.

Thank you for those who have read this journal, and I apologize to deliver rather a sad news.

Dude, that sounds almost like my post yesterday. With all the hopelessness. But there are chances this hopelessness is part of healing or resistance. Just think about it. But at the end the decision is up to you.