12-28-2016, 09:44 AM
Oh man, I wanted to get out again today, but I am feeling much body ache today. I don't know if it's a resistance of some sort, or a legitimate body ache. Two days ago, I went to run on treadmill and pushed myself too hard. I ran for like 10 minutes, but for 6 to 7 minutes I was running at where my heartrate was 188~190. (I couldn't do that any longer as I started to feel my stomach muscle aching. Or it could have been diaphragm.) I originally thought that this is what I need to do to reduce my mile run time, but apparently that was pushing too much. (I didn't know that that pushing that heart rate is pushing too much until I looked online.)
Nevertheless, I think I will drink some protein, take a good rest, do some banking around here, and take some good rest.
There is another thing, which I believe may be related to DMSI healing.
1. Porn no longer turns me on. I still check some porn and celebrity sex scenes (I suppose this is equivalent to softcore porn), as it is still somewhat of an habit. (which is slowly dying.) I don't get turned on by these stuff. (I'd say about 95% of the time, it doesn't turn me on. Only about 5% I get turned on, but the level of turned on is not that high, and temporary.)
2. I don't know how to put this situation, so I will describe what happened. Two nights ago, I was flipping channel after skipping BBC (as I already watched the content in the past), then I stumbled upon one channel, and saw a cute reporter. I don't know, I got immediately hooked up to the girl, and I searched the girl online, and watched some more stuff put by her. Last night, I was checking her again (I suppose this isn't exactly healthy either), and found her with a dress. It was pretty tight dress that was showing her curve lines, and also nipple and areola lines. (It wasn't see through, but it was quite tight that the lines became quite transparent.) I got so turned on by that I had to fap on it. Normally, I wouldn't have done this, nor I would have been so turned on by stuff like that. But this time, I did it, and at the same time, I was imagining embracing the girl, while she is riding me, imagining her shivering from orgasm, while I suck her nipple, imagining her moaning and gasping, and etc. Again I never do this, but I did that.
3. I suppose the reporter girl is not a real girl in a sense that I don't have a chance of meeting her. (Technically there is always a chance, but what's the probability?) However, the girl is much more real girl than porn stars or celebrities having sex in the movie. So in that sense, I feel that I am moving in a better direction, and healing is happening. Also, jerking off to a girl with a sexy dress, while imagining having sex with her, may not be all that healthy and etc, but I think that I am moving towards more real sex, and getting myself connected to real sex more while getting disconnected from fake and unreal sex.
4. While writing this, I am also realizing that how much badly I have been affected by mainstream feminism. (I specified as mainstream feminism, as I find that original feminism and feminist philosophy is different, and mainstream feminism does more harm than good, in my opinion.) Why? Because I feel bad that I used the girl/her picture to masturbate and that I feel like I used her as a sexual object. (Although my other side of me is telling that the logic isn't all that sound here, and that what I did is not exactly all that terrible act.) I feel bad enough to a point that I am not uploading the pictures. (Even though one side of me is wanting to upload the picture on this post for some reason.) But what's also funny is that I don't feel like this, when I was masturbating to some porn. I didn't feel like I was using them as sexual object, nor had any bad feelings about it. I suppose this is saying something, but I can't quite tell what it exactly is. Oh well.
I suppose some healing is happening, and hopefully, I will see more very soon.
Nevertheless, I think I will drink some protein, take a good rest, do some banking around here, and take some good rest.
There is another thing, which I believe may be related to DMSI healing.
1. Porn no longer turns me on. I still check some porn and celebrity sex scenes (I suppose this is equivalent to softcore porn), as it is still somewhat of an habit. (which is slowly dying.) I don't get turned on by these stuff. (I'd say about 95% of the time, it doesn't turn me on. Only about 5% I get turned on, but the level of turned on is not that high, and temporary.)
2. I don't know how to put this situation, so I will describe what happened. Two nights ago, I was flipping channel after skipping BBC (as I already watched the content in the past), then I stumbled upon one channel, and saw a cute reporter. I don't know, I got immediately hooked up to the girl, and I searched the girl online, and watched some more stuff put by her. Last night, I was checking her again (I suppose this isn't exactly healthy either), and found her with a dress. It was pretty tight dress that was showing her curve lines, and also nipple and areola lines. (It wasn't see through, but it was quite tight that the lines became quite transparent.) I got so turned on by that I had to fap on it. Normally, I wouldn't have done this, nor I would have been so turned on by stuff like that. But this time, I did it, and at the same time, I was imagining embracing the girl, while she is riding me, imagining her shivering from orgasm, while I suck her nipple, imagining her moaning and gasping, and etc. Again I never do this, but I did that.
3. I suppose the reporter girl is not a real girl in a sense that I don't have a chance of meeting her. (Technically there is always a chance, but what's the probability?) However, the girl is much more real girl than porn stars or celebrities having sex in the movie. So in that sense, I feel that I am moving in a better direction, and healing is happening. Also, jerking off to a girl with a sexy dress, while imagining having sex with her, may not be all that healthy and etc, but I think that I am moving towards more real sex, and getting myself connected to real sex more while getting disconnected from fake and unreal sex.
4. While writing this, I am also realizing that how much badly I have been affected by mainstream feminism. (I specified as mainstream feminism, as I find that original feminism and feminist philosophy is different, and mainstream feminism does more harm than good, in my opinion.) Why? Because I feel bad that I used the girl/her picture to masturbate and that I feel like I used her as a sexual object. (Although my other side of me is telling that the logic isn't all that sound here, and that what I did is not exactly all that terrible act.) I feel bad enough to a point that I am not uploading the pictures. (Even though one side of me is wanting to upload the picture on this post for some reason.) But what's also funny is that I don't feel like this, when I was masturbating to some porn. I didn't feel like I was using them as sexual object, nor had any bad feelings about it. I suppose this is saying something, but I can't quite tell what it exactly is. Oh well.
I suppose some healing is happening, and hopefully, I will see more very soon.
