Mystic Pymp on DMSI 2.4→2.5→3.0.1A→3.1A/B→3.2A/B→3.3D→3.3.1D

[Mystic Pymp]

Day 9

I have a slight dip in my mood and I think I know the reason - I'm thinking too much right now. When I'm at my parents I have way too much time on my hands and it means I get to waste it on some stupid crap (which makes me feel guilty) as well as to analyze everything, get big picture and plan. By itself it's not a bad thing but when you start to analyze what the sub is doing... Well, I shouldn't. Reading about others' successes in their journals doesn't help either, I guess it should motivate me but instead I feel like there is something wrong with me. Once I get back to the city this will pass but for today and tomorrow I have to live with it. There is something in these walls I've been raised in that keeps me in bondage.

From those analysis of mine one thing is clear for me - I have serious fear of being attractive and successful with women. I have my dreams, goals and mission which are women independent but when it comes to add them into the equation I don't know where to put them. By being unattractive loser I don't need to worry about women but I know this cannot last. I need to change that and sub is helping me with that but it won't magically integrate women into my life. It's just so much easier to pretend there is no issue and live like before however. Funny thing is my ex didn't help me anything with this these past months - one would think having a girlfriend would at least ease those fears but it didn't. It was shitty relationship, sure, but experience nonetheless and I should feel more confident around women now. I don't. I'm still scared.

This is another experience that prove that being successful with women come from inside not outside. Use that belief to your advantage, when all the guys are afraid to be left alone, fear to not have a girlfriend or when other guy try put other down because they don't have any women in their life. Getting laid 1000 times doesn't always make you a better lover for that reason.
A lot of guys after a relationship feel worse than when they started though it did give them some experiences. Sometimes the experience is so bad that it makes them move backward, I don't think it's your case though. There is always a brighter side even to the worst experiences but you have to see that brighter side to benefit from it, you should be able to do that.

I agree. That's why I think I will only go backwards if I will learn nothing from that relationship. And I did learn a lot, not only about women or sex, but most importantly about myself. I wish thing would have gone differently, sure, I regret nothing though. Neither do I think this relationship scared me more than I already were, if anything new wounds replaced old one. That might seem pessimistic but that was experiences I badly needed and I didn't miss its lessons.

Day 11
I feel terrible today, so tired entire day, hardly productive at all. There is some anxiety but nothing major, I can feel myself being healed undercover. Still resistance is very high and I can only wait and hope DMSI will erode it with time. What would tremendously help me I think would be some external results but so far except for IOIs here and there there are no manifestations and I can only look at internal results which, while more important, are harder to see and appreciate.