12-10-2016, 07:14 AM
Day 9
I have a slight dip in my mood and I think I know the reason - I'm thinking too much right now. When I'm at my parents I have way too much time on my hands and it means I get to waste it on some stupid crap (which makes me feel guilty) as well as to analyze everything, get big picture and plan. By itself it's not a bad thing but when you start to analyze what the sub is doing... Well, I shouldn't. Reading about others' successes in their journals doesn't help either, I guess it should motivate me but instead I feel like there is something wrong with me. Once I get back to the city this will pass but for today and tomorrow I have to live with it. There is something in these walls I've been raised in that keeps me in bondage.
From those analysis of mine one thing is clear for me - I have serious fear of being attractive and successful with women. I have my dreams, goals and mission which are women independent but when it comes to add them into the equation I don't know where to put them. By being unattractive loser I don't need to worry about women but I know this cannot last. I need to change that and sub is helping me with that but it won't magically integrate women into my life. It's just so much easier to pretend there is no issue and live like before however. Funny thing is my ex didn't help me anything with this these past months - one would think having a girlfriend would at least ease those fears but it didn't. It was shitty relationship, sure, but experience nonetheless and I should feel more confident around women now. I don't. I'm still scared.
I have a slight dip in my mood and I think I know the reason - I'm thinking too much right now. When I'm at my parents I have way too much time on my hands and it means I get to waste it on some stupid crap (which makes me feel guilty) as well as to analyze everything, get big picture and plan. By itself it's not a bad thing but when you start to analyze what the sub is doing... Well, I shouldn't. Reading about others' successes in their journals doesn't help either, I guess it should motivate me but instead I feel like there is something wrong with me. Once I get back to the city this will pass but for today and tomorrow I have to live with it. There is something in these walls I've been raised in that keeps me in bondage.
From those analysis of mine one thing is clear for me - I have serious fear of being attractive and successful with women. I have my dreams, goals and mission which are women independent but when it comes to add them into the equation I don't know where to put them. By being unattractive loser I don't need to worry about women but I know this cannot last. I need to change that and sub is helping me with that but it won't magically integrate women into my life. It's just so much easier to pretend there is no issue and live like before however. Funny thing is my ex didn't help me anything with this these past months - one would think having a girlfriend would at least ease those fears but it didn't. It was shitty relationship, sure, but experience nonetheless and I should feel more confident around women now. I don't. I'm still scared.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
