Mystic Pymp on DMSI 2.4→2.5→3.0.1A→3.1A/B→3.2A/B→3.3D→3.3.1D

[Mystic Pymp]

Few things on my mind so this might be a long post. I hope I won't forget about anything as I didn't write down points I wanna mention, but I that happens I'll just edit this post or write a new one tomorrow. Anyhow, let's go!

First of all I've started reading "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Deida. I think I've started reading it a looong way back but I either didn't finish it or simply run through it. Anyhow it's exactly kind of book I was looking for, a lot of general advice that doesn't tell you exactly what to do, but rather makes you think. I'm 1/3 through it right now and after I read it I'll surely read it again before New Year as it has some interesting perspective on the things I struggle with right now. The biggest issue for me is that it seems to be written for men in their midlife crisis, not for someone 23 years old who practically just begins his adult life, but it's not that big of a deal. Once I complete it second time I might write some bullet points here just so I have reference for the future and to show you what I've learnt from it.

Secondly I've read my previous journal, "The Adventures..." one. A couple of things stroke me. Like, for example, how come I had 85kg?! I've lost 10kg since then and while it's hard for me to lose more (I'd like to lose another 15kg!) I've taken my current weight for granted. That really rose up my morale. Other things as well, it's really eye-opening to read that journal now will hindsight I have now as those event already came to pass. I was mostly interested in how my favorite run (AM refresher + BIATBW) and AM run afterwards were going. It's nice to remind myself of power of LOA and I feel quite sad that I cannot really use it right now because I fear it will interfere to much with the sub (I tried it some and I decided I'll rather trust the sub on that front).

The thing that saddens me is that I seemed to be clearly aware of who my ex was but I still got attached to her, mistake I pay for right now. I might have been aware of women like her from various books and posts but I still trusted her, which was a mistake. I blame this on love and my inexperience, but there might be more to it as I will describe later on. If there is any consolidation it's that if I were to met her a couple years back I would have ended much, much worse. She done a lot of bad in my life these past months, but she didn't destroy my foundations.

Before I'll get to the meat of this post I must admit the I feel tremendous guilt because of my exercises, or rather lack thereof. I'm talking constantly about joining a gym and while it's source of a lot of anxiety for me I must finally do it. I'm not really that motivated to do it right now and I'm coming up with excuses constantly, but it's something I finally must force on myself, there is no other way.

OK, with all that out of the way I'd like to tell you my latest thoughts on my "I don't know what I want" ordeal. From what I can tell from my meditation and similar methods I'm getting needy because of my fear of loneliness. Basically, after I finally got myself a girlfriend, requited love and all of that I'd really want to have that again. I was waiting through the summer, ended AM run and started DMSI but sadly it didn't do wonders for me yet. Because I long for it so much right now I lost my patience I had in the past and while I'm trying on many fronts I fail on all of them because my lack of focus. Even when I seem to attract someone into my life it simply doesn't work for one reason or another. And in truth it only makes me feel more desperate and lonely. BIATBW worked because I didn't care too much if it worked or not, I felt like I could wait and it paid off. Now I'm unwilling to wait, I try to catch every opportunity I get but so far I caught nothing.

All this makes me wanna switch to a different sub right now. I have no idea if it would be a good choice, but if it continues I'm really not convinced that DMSI is the best choice right now. So what if I will be getting women's interest if I won't be able to get anything out of it? So maybe I should try again BIATBW + AM refresher + LOA exercises? Maybe I should do yet another AM run, this time in full monk mode to fully concentrate on my self-development? I wasted a lot of potential of AM run this year because I was more focused outwardly on my ex rather than inwardly on myself. ERPHA maybe? I truly don't know and my gut feeling doesn't help me much, for now I'll stay with DMSI 2.4 for at least a week, but I don't know what will follow.

Let me end this post with quote of mine I forgot about and I found it again today. It's perfect and I find it almost tragic that I lost it's meaning in myself. I need to conquer another mountain to feel that again I guess.

Because this is what being alpha is about, not getting pussy or proving others how successful you are. Being alpha is about conquering your weaknesses, your doubts and believing you can do anything.