10-28-2016, 07:06 PM
Day 14
Not sure about any external effects and IOI's (I believe there are more IOIs now, but I'm not focused on them so much right now.. read on to find out why).
But as for the inner effects.. I'm not sure how or why, is it because of the sub or because of me maturing and evolving, but this is what was happening.
Had resistance to the sub. Was feeling that underlying worthless again. This continued for 2-3 days. At one point I thought i was gonna have another breakdown if this continued.
But now, some things clicked for me.
I am done with being a pawn, taking other people's bullshit, and other such things.
I realized the underlying reasons for most of my hobbies and desires - the underlying reasons are power and freedom.
I finally give myself the right to start pursuing power. I'm not going to take some weakling's opinion that power corrupts or is bad for you. A weakling cannot know anything of power.
Not going to let other people's insecurities and their own limits limit me.
I always knew this, but now, i realize it CONSCIOUSLY. I gave myself the full clearance to feel all of this and understand it. It is like a crack in a dam appeared, and the water is starting to burst through.
I guess that Chaos Sovereign's journal kinda nudged me in the right direction. So thanks bro.
Now, that underlying feeling of worthless is still there, but there is a sense of dominance in my body. I do not have any physical results, i do not have any income to myself, i am still just a nobody in the world. This lack of income and results from my websites are killing me, but..
I now have a new motto..
Today, i decided to become a lion among sheep.
I AM a lion among sheep.
Not sure about any external effects and IOI's (I believe there are more IOIs now, but I'm not focused on them so much right now.. read on to find out why).
But as for the inner effects.. I'm not sure how or why, is it because of the sub or because of me maturing and evolving, but this is what was happening.
Had resistance to the sub. Was feeling that underlying worthless again. This continued for 2-3 days. At one point I thought i was gonna have another breakdown if this continued.
But now, some things clicked for me.
I am done with being a pawn, taking other people's bullshit, and other such things.
I realized the underlying reasons for most of my hobbies and desires - the underlying reasons are power and freedom.
I finally give myself the right to start pursuing power. I'm not going to take some weakling's opinion that power corrupts or is bad for you. A weakling cannot know anything of power.
Not going to let other people's insecurities and their own limits limit me.
I always knew this, but now, i realize it CONSCIOUSLY. I gave myself the full clearance to feel all of this and understand it. It is like a crack in a dam appeared, and the water is starting to burst through.
I guess that Chaos Sovereign's journal kinda nudged me in the right direction. So thanks bro.
Now, that underlying feeling of worthless is still there, but there is a sense of dominance in my body. I do not have any physical results, i do not have any income to myself, i am still just a nobody in the world. This lack of income and results from my websites are killing me, but..
I now have a new motto..
Today, i decided to become a lion among sheep.
I AM a lion among sheep.
