Day 25
With yesterday's emotional turmoil I couldn't do anything productive so I went for a walk and spent my energy making a funny video. I got totally immersed and forgot I was worried.
When I went to bed I kept tossing and turning for a good 2 hours until I actually fell asleep. I had a lot of energy even though I felt a little sleepy and I could feel it stored in my stomach and my chest. I have been in such situations before but I could never pinpoint the energy in my body but yesterday I was much more open to my sensations.
I finally fell asleep and I dreamed of my first girlfriend. We dated for 3 months, almost 4 years ago, when I had just moved into this big city. I felt alone and lost here but then I found her. Being inexperienced I fell really hard for her. When she left me I felt desperate and depressed. I remember for ~10 days I could not eat anything other than a apple per day and could barely sleep properly. The break-up triggered one of the worst periods of my life. For several months, maybe a year and a half later I would still break down and cry because of the pain and nostalgia. Time went by and I met more girls, made new friends, had crazy fun, acquired experiences, pushed my self to improve in every way. I don't feel the pain anymore but sometimes I get melancholic and nostalgic hits from moments spent with her, probably because she introduced me to this city where I still live. She wasn't anything extraordinary, she was a cute, smart, funny, short girl with floral dresses. There are millions of these and even better, right? I know because I am dating one right now. It wasn't her that marked me but the feelings of pain, depression, loneliness and desperation that were intense and went on for so long after the break-up. It was the cruelty and the rawness of life, the pains that could be felt, the desperation that had to be overcame, and the feeling of being totally lost in life that left their footprint on me. And me being a young inexperienced, romantic, naive boy alone in a huge city did not make it any easier. In my mind, she has been correlated to these feelings somehow, that's why I have flashes of her. She is just a symbol. I think sometimes that everything I have done since then to improve myself has been an effort to stay safe and away from these horrible emotions and circumstances, and in a way, her being able to hurt me. On Saturday, when I consumed a big dosage of marijuana that's exactly what was presented to me. I feel I am fear-driven. Like all I do is run away from pain, fear, loneliness, desperation, rejection.
Back to the dream now, even though I barely remember anything. I dreamed she was at my place and there was a sexual undertone. It felt like the dream had lasted for entire night. I didn't feel anxious around her at all. When I woke up I was surprised that even though I had such a dream I did not feel terribly. I felt cool and I still feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe that's what the healing modules have been working on the past few days. I almost cried while typing the above. This was long overdue.
That's it. The bottom of my soul in text.
With yesterday's emotional turmoil I couldn't do anything productive so I went for a walk and spent my energy making a funny video. I got totally immersed and forgot I was worried.
When I went to bed I kept tossing and turning for a good 2 hours until I actually fell asleep. I had a lot of energy even though I felt a little sleepy and I could feel it stored in my stomach and my chest. I have been in such situations before but I could never pinpoint the energy in my body but yesterday I was much more open to my sensations.
I finally fell asleep and I dreamed of my first girlfriend. We dated for 3 months, almost 4 years ago, when I had just moved into this big city. I felt alone and lost here but then I found her. Being inexperienced I fell really hard for her. When she left me I felt desperate and depressed. I remember for ~10 days I could not eat anything other than a apple per day and could barely sleep properly. The break-up triggered one of the worst periods of my life. For several months, maybe a year and a half later I would still break down and cry because of the pain and nostalgia. Time went by and I met more girls, made new friends, had crazy fun, acquired experiences, pushed my self to improve in every way. I don't feel the pain anymore but sometimes I get melancholic and nostalgic hits from moments spent with her, probably because she introduced me to this city where I still live. She wasn't anything extraordinary, she was a cute, smart, funny, short girl with floral dresses. There are millions of these and even better, right? I know because I am dating one right now. It wasn't her that marked me but the feelings of pain, depression, loneliness and desperation that were intense and went on for so long after the break-up. It was the cruelty and the rawness of life, the pains that could be felt, the desperation that had to be overcame, and the feeling of being totally lost in life that left their footprint on me. And me being a young inexperienced, romantic, naive boy alone in a huge city did not make it any easier. In my mind, she has been correlated to these feelings somehow, that's why I have flashes of her. She is just a symbol. I think sometimes that everything I have done since then to improve myself has been an effort to stay safe and away from these horrible emotions and circumstances, and in a way, her being able to hurt me. On Saturday, when I consumed a big dosage of marijuana that's exactly what was presented to me. I feel I am fear-driven. Like all I do is run away from pain, fear, loneliness, desperation, rejection.
Back to the dream now, even though I barely remember anything. I dreamed she was at my place and there was a sexual undertone. It felt like the dream had lasted for entire night. I didn't feel anxious around her at all. When I woke up I was surprised that even though I had such a dream I did not feel terribly. I felt cool and I still feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe that's what the healing modules have been working on the past few days. I almost cried while typing the above. This was long overdue.
That's it. The bottom of my soul in text.
