Jay - Alpha Male 2011 Journal

[Jay]

It all depends on you. I wish there was a way to force people to bend to my subliminals, but the fact is, some people are just too strong willed to influence fully if they are resisting the effects. Sun sign alone doesn't tell you much, though. You will notice that your conscious perceptions are leading some of your results? That means that all you have to do is consciously choose to let go and allow the subliminal to do its thing, without expectations or preconceived notions, and it'll work just fine. Set and forget is the best way to use subliminals.

By the way, I have paid a lot of money on occasion in the past to hire male models who didn't have a face as well developed as yours. Body dismorphic disorder? If the rest of you looks anything like that you need to go get a job as a model. No kidding, my friend.

Your comment does make me aware that I’m too focused on the subliminals and probably because I feel largely dependent of them, which isn’t particularly a good sign. In my previous situation I saw them more as an add-on to my life. In my current situation they feel like they’re the main drive.

If your compliment had come from someone else I would simply dismiss it as flattery, but this coming from you I know that wouldn’t say something like this unless you’re completely honest about it. It means a whole lot to me, and it’s a great piece of reassurance that my mind is playing tricks on me. Thank you.

Jay, I am so so so proud of you! Your thought process, coming from where you’ve been and trying to get to where you want to be is outstanding! When I have some time, I’m going to go back and read your threads from the beginning. Do you have posts prior to your breakdown or right after? In any case, you’re very enlightening to say the least! Are you doing both individual and group therapy? I think group is a very good thing but needs to flow into your individual evaluations from both your doctor and yourself. There will be instances that someone in the group may talk about a certain issue that they are going through and you may not be going the exact same thing, but something they’ve said sparks a feeling in you and on some level you can relate too. This is what you need to analyze and bring to table at the individual meetings. It’s just gives you different outlooks on how different situations may of affected you or is affecting you now.

Thank you, if it wasn’t known already I appreciate your comments very much. Not to make it into something depressing but I’ve hardly heard anyone utter the words “I’m so proud of you” to anything I ever did, so this really means a lot to me It will probably be a combination of group therapy and sessions with a therapist, although I’m not entirely sure when I asked the psychiatrist about it. He was a bit unclear on that, and I didn’t see reason to ask the same question again, hoping for a better answer... I still have another journal in the mens 18+ section which didn’t had a long run but pretty much describes the process of my nervous breakdown, although at the time I didn’t exactly knew what happened to me and it took me a few months to discover that it actually was called a nervous breakdown (although this isn’t a technical term for it…). But I doubt you'll find anything enlightening in there because it mostly described my experiences and thoughts about the subliminals, I kept my personal beliefs more to myself, thinking I could be rejected or perhaps ridiculed for believing them. Because this sort of happened when I expressed a few glimpses of these to a religious discussion group, that a (past) friend recommended to me. Although looking back to it, I don't think they were the best subject group to expose these beliefs to, because mine were simply too different from theirs (in a way).

I still don’t have an exact explanation on what actually happened to me before the nervous breakdown happened, but what I am certain about is that I was on a path towards self-actualization and analyzing and cultivating more and more patterns about the human condition so that I could use them as simple tools to overcome and transform my own diseased (neurotic) and enmeshed thoughts and beliefs, this basically started when I wanted to quit smoking to impress and please a certain girl I desperately wanted to be with, but rejected me in almost every way… When that didn’t work out as I had planned or wanted, I came to the realization that if I really wanted to quit that I had to do it entirely for myself, and I had to prepare myself in the best way possible to a life of non-smoking, because I didn’t want to suffer one minute for it. I spent about 4-5 months enveloping myself into my personal smoking habits, reading as much as I could and trying to conceptualize as much as I could to have a correct understanding what smoking really is.

Going back to the everlasting smoking conversation, what I noticed from my stop smoking experience was the realization that my tendency to smoke consisted out of nothing else but beliefs that kept me smoking. It were only beliefs that made me crave them, because the cigarette doesn’t hold the properties and is incapable of making me crave them, I was doing that because my chosen beliefs told me to do that. The so called ‘addictive’ properties were nothing more than an unhomely feeling because my body was changing, because I stopped feeding it poison. I knew that if I craved a cigarette after quitting for 3 weeks, it was all my doing. Because statistically 99% of nicotine would have left my body by then. How can something be addictive, if there is no active compound remaining in the body to do so? It could only be me and my delusional perception of addiction. Stop smoking is hard, if you believe it to be hard.

After I quit smoking through this mindset I began to wonder what other irrational beliefs I still held onto. Call me delusional, but I came to the conclusion that each and every belief we keep is faulty regardless, because they’re not accurate representations of reality, they’re mere ideas that don’t have anything to do with reality itself, it’s all in our minds.

Even if we had the most accurate representation of how reality works, it would still be biased through our human eyes and our human way of processing external input. You can’t know about the universe, because you’re not the universe. You can’t know about each other, because we are not each other (in a sense).

This led me to the conclusion that each and every thought and belief we ever conjured up has the same value as the next one. Because they’re valueless, and the only ones that can put value onto our beliefs are we. The only thing we do is we find beliefs, and we try to find evidence to support those beliefs, the more evidence we have to support a belief the more sturdy representation of reality it may give us, and the more certain we are of ourselves. But that belief doesn’t have to necessarily be true, but still we believe it to be. It’s all relative. Asking myself questions similar to “If humans/living beings weren’t around, what would determine diamonds are more valuable than rocks?” to bring myself more and more towards that belief

Even if we have a jury of experts to tell us what they think about a certain subject, they’re simply people that hold onto certain beliefs who project those beliefs on the subject itself and because they’re so certain about themselves we’re more prone on believing them. But it could easily be that in 100 years they could be proven entirely wrong. And that’s basically what we’re doing this entire time, prove to others that our beliefs are the most accurate than the next one, and then have others debunk our beliefs and state that their beliefs are the most accurate, ad infinitum.

The only difference with these beliefs are that they’re different representations of the same thing, whatever the thing may be. One belief may get your further in live than the next one, but they’re equally as valid. It doesn’t matter what religion you have, what political party you belong to, how many people belief the same things you believe, what you believe your purpose in life is, the only important thing to them is if they represent some facet of the beliefs you hold onto, and that these beliefs are equally valid. No one is right, and no one is wrong. Even if you’re right, after you die your name may live on with your beliefs but after we all die eventually, who’s there to carry on the torch? If you would grow up in a different area, would you still hold the same beliefs as you do now?

The universe doesn’t need us to give it its meaning, it’s just there. And it doesn't care what we believe, think or what we do in it. Otherwise it would have permitted us from doing so.

What happened during my nervous breakdown was that this concept, these philosophies (with a few others that I haven’t mentioned here) that gave me so much freedom in choosing the beliefs I wanted to belief were blanked, and replaced with an oppressive mindset that told me exactly what I couldn’t do and what I should believe, and should always look to others to tell me what’s what.

It was like having Buddha being replaced by Hitler. I still knew the ideas that derived of this mindset, but the realizations and a-ha moments that led me towards it were gone. The emotional baggage behind them was missing. I couldn't see people's opinions as mere beliefs anymore, but as facts. It’s like having your memory blanked out, while still being able to read about your experiences from a book containing your life. But you still lack the experience to empower those beliefs. But I’m grateful for your post because I didn't realize that I could write about them to this extent, it’s an indication that I haven’t lost them entirely, and that it’s a matter of time before I get at the same level I used to be but have to simply find more evidence to support these beliefs

I know it's possible to think this way, because I've been there before and that's point to strive for. I hope that this somewhat clarifies why I occasionally talk about stopping smoking so passionately, because smoking itself has nothing to give but breaking the addiction offers so much but it’s nothing more than an expression of my beliefs that of course don’t come across as clearly to everyone besides me, because we’re looking at the same thing from an entire different perspective. You have your strong reasons and beliefs to smoke, and I have my strong reasons and beliefs not to.

I’m not done the rest of your post, but I’ll rather ponder about it before I actually start writing about it, and I didn’t want to make my current post more longer and chaotic than it is already.

Also, who changed the font?