Jay - Alpha Male 2011 Journal

[Jay]

Lol, I knew that it wasn't a real word but "regardless" didn't sound right to me as I was writing it so I just sticked to it. I especially didn't suspected anyone objecting to my use of that 'word' here, and if anyone would I could also use the petty excuse that English isn't my first language But still, from now on I'll never use "irregardlessly" in a proper sentence ever again. Lesson learned.

I was still in the process of writing my summary and properly translating my notes for Stage 1, but I already made the switch to Stage 2 today with the aim of following the instructions properly as they are intended (with the exception of listening to the program for a total of 10 instead of 8 hours a day). I did believe that I had too many issues and negative inhibiting beliefs that could possibly interfere and undermine during later stages, but I won't know if this is true until after I finished the program. So there's not much sense in worrying about it in the meantime.

[Patti]

If you want to clean up your grammatical act for Shannon and yourself, that’s cool. It’s always good to improve ourselves all the way around.

As for me, you just speak from your heart, and trust me, I’ll get it!

[Jay]

I had another intake conversation with a psychiatrist today; since my psychologist needed more confirmation on what kind of treatment would be the most suitable to my needs. I’ve also made the decision to go into ‘group’ therapy (has a different name, couldn’t find a more suitable English variant of it) which will be contained in blocks of four hours, three times a week with 6-7 other people. After the intake I’m not so sure if it has been the right decision, but it could also mean that I’m simply resisting the process. I think I have more gain by discussing my thoughts patterns, and in the process becoming more aware and focusing on more effective and positive solutions and thought patterns towards it with a psychologist than to expose myself to other people that have their own issues as well. But I’ll have to see it for myself before I can really determine if it’s truly in my best interest to follow this process. The ‘group’ therapy sessions will start on August the 19th. I still have to have a conversation with a medication specialist, but I’ve already made the decision not to take SSRI’s because mainly I’m not looking forward on dealing with any negative side effects, and I have a strong belief that my issues can be solved without them since I already experienced a strong glimpse of it already (before my nervous breakdown). I'm not sure if I'll return to college for this year, because I'm not sure if I'm ready to get back on the saddle as it were. Still have to consider finances, and if this treatment is really worth so much of my time.

You may or may not have noticed that I posted my face here, it was sort of an experiment to see how my BDD ridden mind would respond, so I could analyze possible thoughts of putting myself more in the open but I'm actually pretty used to it now. Although I won't permit myself to use a less 'good' photo of myself here (which would probably make me climb up the walls). The same applies here that I notice that my perspective regarding my looks and photos of myself change throughout the day. I think it's probably a contrast between focusing on details (that I don't like about myself) and seeing the whole picture (which is mainly positive). I think my sense of self-worth is the deciding factor between these two.

I also found on random google search a band member that has pretty much all the ugly characteristics and demeanor of the face I envision myself to have. And after comparing pictures with him, and to my relieve there is barely any comparison. This should keep my spirits up for a few days...

I picked up the following snippets from Patti’s thread, and it describes pretty much what I’m going through for some time now.

Subliminals can be resisted to a degree that depends on a complex interaction of your body and your mind. Some people are practically helpless to resist subliminals, and some can ignore them without a second thought. And in the middle there are the other 99.99%, who fall somewhere in between.

Astrologically, I have noticed a strong correlation between fixed sign placement and resistance increasing. Not surprisingly if you know that a fixed sign resists change, and the negative pole of strength is blind resistance, regardless of what it costs the person doing the resisting. In charts where there is Taurus or Scorpio placement in the front of the chart - most frequently in Mercury or Venus - this resistance is easily able to override the effects of the subliminals if that is the subconscious desire.

I know it's working also because you have reported times when it would change your responses, and then later those changes failed to remain. That's the same thing we see with obese people who use a weight loss program that conflicts with their internal programming and they resist it. They lose 10 pounds... and gain 10 pounds... and lose 10 pounds... and gain 10 pounds. The yoyo effect.

…

So at this point, the goal has to be first and foremost, to decide: do I, or do I not genuinely and honestly choose to Stop Smoking?

And, if you do, on a conscious level, you'll have to find a way to translate that to a release of subconscious resistance to the change and the program. That's something only you can do. The subliminal cannot force you, as you are too strong willed. You might want to consider affirmations and self hypnosis in that case.

It just also happens that I’m a Scorpio, and I do see a definitive contrast between before and after my nervous breakdown. What previously was a steady build up is now the yoyo effect that Shannon describes. This also makes me hesitant of posting my results here because I’m somewhat doubtful if the effects last.

Truthfully it’s hard for me to envision myself currently as an Alpha Male, it feels more like having an occasional stroke of inspiration, courage, and clarity which soon falters back afterwards to passiveness and feeling pretty much worthless and somewhat stuck (going in circles) for longer periods of time. This makes me more wonder if it’s really resistance or that it’s simply depression, or just both.

I strongly agree on that it also depends on how you consciously look towards the effects of the subliminals, at the beginning they were almost awe-some to me with unlimited possibilities because it showed me a side of life that was so different than what I normally experienced (there weren’t as many published scripts and journals at that time, which left more of a sense of mystery and more to wonder about what these programs would/could do). It’s all open and clear now, I know what I can expect and I’m pretty much waiting for the effects to show up, and this closed mindset is presumably also a big big part of the resistance.

I am noticing a definite rise in becoming more assertive and making myself (needs and wants) more clearly towards others, and having more self esteem (more positive belief in my abilities) but that’s pretty much the most prominent thread I see leading through all this.

I'm going to look for suitable (self) hypnosis tapes/cd's, just like back in the 'good' ol' days Perhaps this can address my resistance. If I find something that works, I'll mention it here.

[Shannon]

It all depends on you. I wish there was a way to force people to bend to my subliminals, but the fact is, some people are just too strong willed to influence fully if they are resisting the effects. Sun sign alone doesn't tell you much, though. You will notice that your conscious perceptions are leading some of your results? That means that all you have to do is consciously choose to let go and allow the subliminal to do its thing, without expectations or preconceived notions, and it'll work just fine. Set and forget is the best way to use subliminals.

By the way, I have paid a lot of money on occasion in the past to hire male models who didn't have a face as well developed as yours. Body dismorphic disorder? If the rest of you looks anything like that you need to go get a job as a model. No kidding, my friend.

[Patti]

Jay, I am so so so proud of you! Your thought process, coming from where you’ve been and trying to get to where you want to be is outstanding! When I have some time, I’m going to go back and read your threads from the beginning. Do you have posts prior to your breakdown or right after? In any case, you’re very enlightening to say the least! Are you doing both individual and group therapy? I think group is a very good thing but needs to flow into your individual evaluations from both your doctor and yourself. There will be instances that someone in the group may talk about a certain issue that they are going through and you may not be going the exact same thing, but something they’ve said sparks a feeling in you and on some level you can relate too. This is what you need to analyze and bring to table at the individual meetings. It’s just gives you different outlooks on how different situations may of affected you or is affecting you now.

As far as your pic goes, I’m not really gonna say much more other than it’s a nice pic. To me pictures are a flash of a moment. I have so many pictures on facebook that I don’t like of myself, usually taken by someone else. I always yell at them and tell them not to tag me because they’re horrible lol and I could delete them but I don’t because it’s not that serious and even though I do care about what people think (and anyone that tells you don’t is lying to both you and themselves) I know that most people who know me, know I have many sides to the way I look. That one picture doesn’t define me.

Women have is so much easier than men as they can wear makeup and do their hair and do so much more than a man can to change their looks (temporarily, without surgery, not even going there) than men can. I personally don’t wear makeup unless I’m going out. To me it goes with dressing up, putting on jewelry (to which I’m the queen of costume jewelry lol. If it cost less than 20 bucks and blings, I’m buyen’ it!) But I friends that won’t go outta the house without makeup on. To each their own, I suppose. With me, whatcha get is pretty much whatcha get! What my husband goes to bed with at night is what my husband wakes up to in the morning.

My daughter and I used to the gym together and from time to time there’d be some chick that would walk in dressed to the 9’s. She’d have her very scanty form fitted work out attire on, makeup done to perfection and her hair, even though up, looked like she just stepped outta the beauty parlor. And here’s my daughter and myself in our raggedy shorts and t-shirts that looked like they’ve been through world war three! I’d usually be on one machine across the room from my daughter when this “princess” would walk in and then we’d look at each other and crack up. Her and I are no good working out at the gym sometimes, because it’s very hard to work out while you’re laughing. Then some time would go by, and I’d try to regain my focus on working out and my daughter would pass by me and whisper in my ear, “who’s she trying to hit on”? let’s watch! It was like watching a soap opera in real life. She got what she wanted, the attention of most of the guys there.

When I first starting talking to people on the internet (way back in the day) most of us still didn’t have digital camera’s or even know how to post pictures of ourselves. Looking back it was great way to know someone without the prejudgment of their looks. After months of befriending some people, pictures came into play and when they’d send me them, I didn’t think anything bad, but I thought, “well that’s not what I thought you looked like”! In my mind, their personalities didn’t match their looks. I found that fascinating and found out a lot about myself at that time.

I could go on for days and experiences I’ve had about people looks but as to not bore you I’ll end this by saying, we all insecurities about the way we look, but our looks don’t define us! It’s what you bring from the inside out that matters.

[Jay]

It all depends on you. I wish there was a way to force people to bend to my subliminals, but the fact is, some people are just too strong willed to influence fully if they are resisting the effects. Sun sign alone doesn't tell you much, though. You will notice that your conscious perceptions are leading some of your results? That means that all you have to do is consciously choose to let go and allow the subliminal to do its thing, without expectations or preconceived notions, and it'll work just fine. Set and forget is the best way to use subliminals.

By the way, I have paid a lot of money on occasion in the past to hire male models who didn't have a face as well developed as yours. Body dismorphic disorder? If the rest of you looks anything like that you need to go get a job as a model. No kidding, my friend.

Your comment does make me aware that I’m too focused on the subliminals and probably because I feel largely dependent of them, which isn’t particularly a good sign. In my previous situation I saw them more as an add-on to my life. In my current situation they feel like they’re the main drive.

If your compliment had come from someone else I would simply dismiss it as flattery, but this coming from you I know that wouldn’t say something like this unless you’re completely honest about it. It means a whole lot to me, and it’s a great piece of reassurance that my mind is playing tricks on me. Thank you.

Jay, I am so so so proud of you! Your thought process, coming from where you’ve been and trying to get to where you want to be is outstanding! When I have some time, I’m going to go back and read your threads from the beginning. Do you have posts prior to your breakdown or right after? In any case, you’re very enlightening to say the least! Are you doing both individual and group therapy? I think group is a very good thing but needs to flow into your individual evaluations from both your doctor and yourself. There will be instances that someone in the group may talk about a certain issue that they are going through and you may not be going the exact same thing, but something they’ve said sparks a feeling in you and on some level you can relate too. This is what you need to analyze and bring to table at the individual meetings. It’s just gives you different outlooks on how different situations may of affected you or is affecting you now.

Thank you, if it wasn’t known already I appreciate your comments very much. Not to make it into something depressing but I’ve hardly heard anyone utter the words “I’m so proud of you” to anything I ever did, so this really means a lot to me It will probably be a combination of group therapy and sessions with a therapist, although I’m not entirely sure when I asked the psychiatrist about it. He was a bit unclear on that, and I didn’t see reason to ask the same question again, hoping for a better answer... I still have another journal in the mens 18+ section which didn’t had a long run but pretty much describes the process of my nervous breakdown, although at the time I didn’t exactly knew what happened to me and it took me a few months to discover that it actually was called a nervous breakdown (although this isn’t a technical term for it…). But I doubt you'll find anything enlightening in there because it mostly described my experiences and thoughts about the subliminals, I kept my personal beliefs more to myself, thinking I could be rejected or perhaps ridiculed for believing them. Because this sort of happened when I expressed a few glimpses of these to a religious discussion group, that a (past) friend recommended to me. Although looking back to it, I don't think they were the best subject group to expose these beliefs to, because mine were simply too different from theirs (in a way).

I still don’t have an exact explanation on what actually happened to me before the nervous breakdown happened, but what I am certain about is that I was on a path towards self-actualization and analyzing and cultivating more and more patterns about the human condition so that I could use them as simple tools to overcome and transform my own diseased (neurotic) and enmeshed thoughts and beliefs, this basically started when I wanted to quit smoking to impress and please a certain girl I desperately wanted to be with, but rejected me in almost every way… When that didn’t work out as I had planned or wanted, I came to the realization that if I really wanted to quit that I had to do it entirely for myself, and I had to prepare myself in the best way possible to a life of non-smoking, because I didn’t want to suffer one minute for it. I spent about 4-5 months enveloping myself into my personal smoking habits, reading as much as I could and trying to conceptualize as much as I could to have a correct understanding what smoking really is.

Going back to the everlasting smoking conversation, what I noticed from my stop smoking experience was the realization that my tendency to smoke consisted out of nothing else but beliefs that kept me smoking. It were only beliefs that made me crave them, because the cigarette doesn’t hold the properties and is incapable of making me crave them, I was doing that because my chosen beliefs told me to do that. The so called ‘addictive’ properties were nothing more than an unhomely feeling because my body was changing, because I stopped feeding it poison. I knew that if I craved a cigarette after quitting for 3 weeks, it was all my doing. Because statistically 99% of nicotine would have left my body by then. How can something be addictive, if there is no active compound remaining in the body to do so? It could only be me and my delusional perception of addiction. Stop smoking is hard, if you believe it to be hard.

After I quit smoking through this mindset I began to wonder what other irrational beliefs I still held onto. Call me delusional, but I came to the conclusion that each and every belief we keep is faulty regardless, because they’re not accurate representations of reality, they’re mere ideas that don’t have anything to do with reality itself, it’s all in our minds.

Even if we had the most accurate representation of how reality works, it would still be biased through our human eyes and our human way of processing external input. You can’t know about the universe, because you’re not the universe. You can’t know about each other, because we are not each other (in a sense).

This led me to the conclusion that each and every thought and belief we ever conjured up has the same value as the next one. Because they’re valueless, and the only ones that can put value onto our beliefs are we. The only thing we do is we find beliefs, and we try to find evidence to support those beliefs, the more evidence we have to support a belief the more sturdy representation of reality it may give us, and the more certain we are of ourselves. But that belief doesn’t have to necessarily be true, but still we believe it to be. It’s all relative. Asking myself questions similar to “If humans/living beings weren’t around, what would determine diamonds are more valuable than rocks?” to bring myself more and more towards that belief

Even if we have a jury of experts to tell us what they think about a certain subject, they’re simply people that hold onto certain beliefs who project those beliefs on the subject itself and because they’re so certain about themselves we’re more prone on believing them. But it could easily be that in 100 years they could be proven entirely wrong. And that’s basically what we’re doing this entire time, prove to others that our beliefs are the most accurate than the next one, and then have others debunk our beliefs and state that their beliefs are the most accurate, ad infinitum.

The only difference with these beliefs are that they’re different representations of the same thing, whatever the thing may be. One belief may get your further in live than the next one, but they’re equally as valid. It doesn’t matter what religion you have, what political party you belong to, how many people belief the same things you believe, what you believe your purpose in life is, the only important thing to them is if they represent some facet of the beliefs you hold onto, and that these beliefs are equally valid. No one is right, and no one is wrong. Even if you’re right, after you die your name may live on with your beliefs but after we all die eventually, who’s there to carry on the torch? If you would grow up in a different area, would you still hold the same beliefs as you do now?

The universe doesn’t need us to give it its meaning, it’s just there. And it doesn't care what we believe, think or what we do in it. Otherwise it would have permitted us from doing so.

What happened during my nervous breakdown was that this concept, these philosophies (with a few others that I haven’t mentioned here) that gave me so much freedom in choosing the beliefs I wanted to belief were blanked, and replaced with an oppressive mindset that told me exactly what I couldn’t do and what I should believe, and should always look to others to tell me what’s what.

It was like having Buddha being replaced by Hitler. I still knew the ideas that derived of this mindset, but the realizations and a-ha moments that led me towards it were gone. The emotional baggage behind them was missing. I couldn't see people's opinions as mere beliefs anymore, but as facts. It’s like having your memory blanked out, while still being able to read about your experiences from a book containing your life. But you still lack the experience to empower those beliefs. But I’m grateful for your post because I didn't realize that I could write about them to this extent, it’s an indication that I haven’t lost them entirely, and that it’s a matter of time before I get at the same level I used to be but have to simply find more evidence to support these beliefs

I know it's possible to think this way, because I've been there before and that's point to strive for. I hope that this somewhat clarifies why I occasionally talk about stopping smoking so passionately, because smoking itself has nothing to give but breaking the addiction offers so much but it’s nothing more than an expression of my beliefs that of course don’t come across as clearly to everyone besides me, because we’re looking at the same thing from an entire different perspective. You have your strong reasons and beliefs to smoke, and I have my strong reasons and beliefs not to.

I’m not done the rest of your post, but I’ll rather ponder about it before I actually start writing about it, and I didn’t want to make my current post more longer and chaotic than it is already.

Also, who changed the font?