Shannon's Journal

[Shannon]

Are you applying standards to yourself and expectations which are too high to be reasonable out of some deeply held fear?

I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm definitely going to think about this for a while. Right off the bat I'm pretty sure I have a fear of being inadequate. Growing up as a kid with social anxiety made me feel like less of a person and "broken". I'm guessing the guilt is tied to my belief that something is wrong with me. The guilt I feel from using the subliminals is just negative programming playing in my head that I'm flawed because I have to use them. I think the worst part is that I hold myself accountable for the problems I faced as a kid and presently. Which also causes deep shame when I talk about it because I feel selfish and like my problems aren't even that significant. That alone I think is a problem, I am holding onto my past as my identity and it keeps manifesting itself into my life. No matter how much I improve I still feel that negativity inside that prevents me from expressing myself how I want to.

I'm still not sure though, I've pondered this over long sessions of thought. If I really do fear rejection or if I fear the idea of rejection. I used to read self help books when I was younger about confidence, and how confidence was the answer to everything. I've come to understand confidence is only one aspect, there is a lot more going on in the subconscious mind. I feel like I'm stuck in a feedback loop, it's this thing inside of me that I know is there, but I really have trouble identifying what it is or understanding it. All I know is that I hold onto things for a while consciously and I get stuck like a broken record playing it back over and over again. With that kind of behavior I would think a lot of things have been stored in my memory and I haven't forgiven or let go of them yet.

I also discover I project my own feelings onto others. This is most noticeable with strangers. I think every person seems to hate me and sometimes I have paranoid thoughts about my family and my friends. I know this is irrational behavior and I can identify how wrong it is, but I still feel it emotionally and it tears me up inside at times.

That being said removing this baggage is my primary goal now. I was thinking of using either forgive yourself and move on or disconnect from the negativity within. Forgive yourself and move on deals with regret, which I believe I've accumulated a lot of. Primarily because of the problems I had which led me to not live life to the fullest and then think negatively of myself. I believe my problems were out of my control, although it seems a little irresponsible to say that, at the time I really was powerless and confused as to why I behaved in that manner. I could only cope, I never was able to overcome anything and for that I was always deeply ashamed of myself and angry for not being stronger. [/b]

I'd say those would be good choices. And after you use those and re-assess your positioning, we can take it from there. You may want to commission a custom. When I am doing them again, of course.

In any case, keep seeking yourself, and the progress will continue.