Day 3
A few interesting things to note regarding my third day on this sub. Let me get those out of the way, as it is the most outstanding observations for me, and then I will get to the details of the day.
1 - I have lost 1 and a half pounds over the past 3 days. Now this could simply be due to the fact that my sleep patterns have been a bit out of whack, but I did think it was interesting. Especially since I have been eating three times as much as I normally do - especially today.
2 - I have amazing focus - AMAZING FOCUS! Once I get into a task, especially when I was at work today, I was in my task. I haven't been this productive in a few weeks, and it was just seamless.
3 - Physical recovery has been interesting for me. I thought I would be paying for it today with my lungs, since I went on a smoking binge yesterday after not smoking for a very long time. Nothing. No waking up this morning feeling like hell, no chest pains, no next morning nicotine breath. Nothing...
On top of which, I was able to run up and down stairs, speed walk across the city (I live in NYC), and just generally function as if nothing happened at all yesterday. Also, not a single urge to smoke today. Again, it was like I had to get something out of my system yesterday, and now that it's out, it's out.
Now onto the general details of the day. I played the US for six hours last night while I slept. I woke up this morning with a typical groggy feeling as to the first day (thankfully it's Friday), got on the train and was already starving first thing in the morning.
I typically don't ever eat breakfast, but the last 2 or so days, I've been progressively eating more food.
Anyway, I listened to the Masked Ocean sub on the hour long train ride to work, and at some point while on the train, I got really horny. I mean, full on hard horny. I also didn't care that I was sporting one so early and that it was clearly visible.
By the time I got into the office however, that feeling subsided. I got straight into working, and had amazing focus on my job - which is when everyone decided to stop by and talk. And talk my co-workers did. I felt like I was emotionally vomited on. I had to politely excuse myself after a few minutes, because, I really just wanted to get back to work. If nothing else, just the focus that I get from this sub is worth its weight in gold!
I didn't notice much in the way of women or anything else while at the office.
The walk after work, I was again on what I could only call predator mode. I did get several IOI's from women - women walking down steps and onto the train platform would catch my eyes, women walking through the subway station who caught my eye would come closer to me, women on the streets would brush against me. But I was also, again, very obviously targeting at that point. That died down as well.
I later went to a bar for a friends birthday bash, and while I didn't stay long, I had a pretty good time and was much more social today. Just social at the bash, wasn't purposely trying to step to any of the girls at the party - I prefer to keep those lines drawn when it comes to close friends of mine and any female friends they have. I don't like bringing drama to my friendships - that's just a personal preference.
Afterwards I was waiting on the platform for a train, and I was lost in my thoughts and staring into space. There were two women that happened to be in my peripheral vision, and one of the women kept looking at me. I didn't think anything of it, they weren't my type, and again, I was just kind of in my own mental zone - they could have been wallpaper for all I cared.
Anyway, one of the women says something to the other woman and suddenly ushers her away from my view. It was at that point that I had a rage build up in me. It was a mix of "Do you really think you're that attractive that I was staring at you longingly?" with "You are nowhere near my standards, and the fact that you did that tells me how stupid you actually are!"
That led to a few minutes of me realizing, I really, really don't care for women beyond just a nice distraction for a few hours. This feeling has been a part of me for a long time, it's nothing new, but it was really amplified today and further cemented why I personally would never get into another relationship with a woman again. A casual sexual relationship - no problem, as long as I can keep a rotation - but not an emotionally exclusive relationship.
Now, again, these are personal preferences for me - I have several friends who are in amazing relationships with wonderful women and I think it's incredible to have that. I myself in the past have had some beautiful relationships with women. But, as I've gotten older, I long ago realized I personally didn't like having to answer to someone, or be responsible to another person to the point of having to consider them when making all of my decisions. Friends, I will go to the ends of the earth for. But, a girlfriend - it never settled with me.
Anyway, as I got the train ride home and mentally went through those emotions, it passed and I settled down again.
I did have a headache again today, but that didn't come till the evening.
I apologize if I over- detailed this entry - I just wanted to clarify some of my existing feelings so that as I progress with the sub, I'll be able to more accurately detail what is new or changed from what I have felt for a long time.
Loving reading everyone else's journals as well!
Duke
A few interesting things to note regarding my third day on this sub. Let me get those out of the way, as it is the most outstanding observations for me, and then I will get to the details of the day.
1 - I have lost 1 and a half pounds over the past 3 days. Now this could simply be due to the fact that my sleep patterns have been a bit out of whack, but I did think it was interesting. Especially since I have been eating three times as much as I normally do - especially today.
2 - I have amazing focus - AMAZING FOCUS! Once I get into a task, especially when I was at work today, I was in my task. I haven't been this productive in a few weeks, and it was just seamless.
3 - Physical recovery has been interesting for me. I thought I would be paying for it today with my lungs, since I went on a smoking binge yesterday after not smoking for a very long time. Nothing. No waking up this morning feeling like hell, no chest pains, no next morning nicotine breath. Nothing...
On top of which, I was able to run up and down stairs, speed walk across the city (I live in NYC), and just generally function as if nothing happened at all yesterday. Also, not a single urge to smoke today. Again, it was like I had to get something out of my system yesterday, and now that it's out, it's out.
Now onto the general details of the day. I played the US for six hours last night while I slept. I woke up this morning with a typical groggy feeling as to the first day (thankfully it's Friday), got on the train and was already starving first thing in the morning.
I typically don't ever eat breakfast, but the last 2 or so days, I've been progressively eating more food.
Anyway, I listened to the Masked Ocean sub on the hour long train ride to work, and at some point while on the train, I got really horny. I mean, full on hard horny. I also didn't care that I was sporting one so early and that it was clearly visible.
By the time I got into the office however, that feeling subsided. I got straight into working, and had amazing focus on my job - which is when everyone decided to stop by and talk. And talk my co-workers did. I felt like I was emotionally vomited on. I had to politely excuse myself after a few minutes, because, I really just wanted to get back to work. If nothing else, just the focus that I get from this sub is worth its weight in gold!
I didn't notice much in the way of women or anything else while at the office.
The walk after work, I was again on what I could only call predator mode. I did get several IOI's from women - women walking down steps and onto the train platform would catch my eyes, women walking through the subway station who caught my eye would come closer to me, women on the streets would brush against me. But I was also, again, very obviously targeting at that point. That died down as well.
I later went to a bar for a friends birthday bash, and while I didn't stay long, I had a pretty good time and was much more social today. Just social at the bash, wasn't purposely trying to step to any of the girls at the party - I prefer to keep those lines drawn when it comes to close friends of mine and any female friends they have. I don't like bringing drama to my friendships - that's just a personal preference.
Afterwards I was waiting on the platform for a train, and I was lost in my thoughts and staring into space. There were two women that happened to be in my peripheral vision, and one of the women kept looking at me. I didn't think anything of it, they weren't my type, and again, I was just kind of in my own mental zone - they could have been wallpaper for all I cared.
Anyway, one of the women says something to the other woman and suddenly ushers her away from my view. It was at that point that I had a rage build up in me. It was a mix of "Do you really think you're that attractive that I was staring at you longingly?" with "You are nowhere near my standards, and the fact that you did that tells me how stupid you actually are!"
That led to a few minutes of me realizing, I really, really don't care for women beyond just a nice distraction for a few hours. This feeling has been a part of me for a long time, it's nothing new, but it was really amplified today and further cemented why I personally would never get into another relationship with a woman again. A casual sexual relationship - no problem, as long as I can keep a rotation - but not an emotionally exclusive relationship.
Now, again, these are personal preferences for me - I have several friends who are in amazing relationships with wonderful women and I think it's incredible to have that. I myself in the past have had some beautiful relationships with women. But, as I've gotten older, I long ago realized I personally didn't like having to answer to someone, or be responsible to another person to the point of having to consider them when making all of my decisions. Friends, I will go to the ends of the earth for. But, a girlfriend - it never settled with me.
Anyway, as I got the train ride home and mentally went through those emotions, it passed and I settled down again.
I did have a headache again today, but that didn't come till the evening.
I apologize if I over- detailed this entry - I just wanted to clarify some of my existing feelings so that as I progress with the sub, I'll be able to more accurately detail what is new or changed from what I have felt for a long time.
Loving reading everyone else's journals as well!
Duke
