This sub is becoming more and more passive. 0 confidence and reflexes have disappeared. I feel like I have never in my life been so incompetent. Very little will to do anything and if I do then I feel like I half ass it, because there simply lacks a motivation to do well.
It's very weird about confidence actually, I'm not 100% sure that it's lack of confidence, it might be something else. I simply can't be bothered with anything.
I don't know where this path will lead, maybe I should go outside and feed the birds.
I do believe that my motivation was rooted in fear and pain in the past, so in the long term this might be a good thing. It will be hard for me to learn how to motivate myself with the positive.
I feel like I am getting a fresh start and a blank slate.
This is so different from how I would act in the past. When I used to do bad I would beat myself up about it, now I can't even do that! If I start beating myself up it raises no emotion and just feels like I am faking the "beating myself up" part. It's like I am doing this for someone else, like I want to beat myself up so other people wouldn't beat me to it. Just to think that you are beating yourself up over things that you don't really care about and over not doing incredibly well in those things just makes you go "WHAT have I been thinking!?!?!?". So many false beliefs, so many false dreams, so much BS in my brain that don't even belong to me. Those mother fuckers who put that in there!!
I think this would be a wrong time to quit E2, maybe I'll learn how to motivate myself without using the whip.
Another thing that I keep seeing again and again is how well other subs will affect me after I have done enough with E2. I used to only partly believe that healing and clearing out issues will make it much easier for me to benefit largely from other subs, now I see that it is inevitable. It is inevitable that after I stop E2, I will have so much freedom and ease when running subs as opposed to the desperation and negativity I have been experiencing in the past.
I see that most users have gone with the repetition of subs until it just sinks in stronger than the negative beliefs and so did I. There's a few more people who seem to think similarly high of healing as me and by that I mean they actually run E2 and follow what they say.
I have a hard time understanding the POV of people who say healing is a waste of time. It simply makes no sense. And I now understand even less why people would go and push so hard towards a direction if they don't even know what they really want. I did that too and still do to some extent, but I find it illogical. It's a good way of hiding from that fear though, by saying that healing is a waste of time.
I want to get the poison out and not build my character ON THE POISON that other people have fed my subconscious. What I want even less is to choose the direction based on that poison.
I did not think like this before I ran E2, that much I know. I was afraid of letting go of those false dreams that weren't even mine. At least now there's a chance that I won't regret what I'm about to do when I will eventually lie on my deathbed. It's too late to pray for a do over when you are about to die.
It's very weird about confidence actually, I'm not 100% sure that it's lack of confidence, it might be something else. I simply can't be bothered with anything.
I don't know where this path will lead, maybe I should go outside and feed the birds.
I do believe that my motivation was rooted in fear and pain in the past, so in the long term this might be a good thing. It will be hard for me to learn how to motivate myself with the positive.
I feel like I am getting a fresh start and a blank slate.
This is so different from how I would act in the past. When I used to do bad I would beat myself up about it, now I can't even do that! If I start beating myself up it raises no emotion and just feels like I am faking the "beating myself up" part. It's like I am doing this for someone else, like I want to beat myself up so other people wouldn't beat me to it. Just to think that you are beating yourself up over things that you don't really care about and over not doing incredibly well in those things just makes you go "WHAT have I been thinking!?!?!?". So many false beliefs, so many false dreams, so much BS in my brain that don't even belong to me. Those mother fuckers who put that in there!!
I think this would be a wrong time to quit E2, maybe I'll learn how to motivate myself without using the whip.
Another thing that I keep seeing again and again is how well other subs will affect me after I have done enough with E2. I used to only partly believe that healing and clearing out issues will make it much easier for me to benefit largely from other subs, now I see that it is inevitable. It is inevitable that after I stop E2, I will have so much freedom and ease when running subs as opposed to the desperation and negativity I have been experiencing in the past.
I see that most users have gone with the repetition of subs until it just sinks in stronger than the negative beliefs and so did I. There's a few more people who seem to think similarly high of healing as me and by that I mean they actually run E2 and follow what they say.
I have a hard time understanding the POV of people who say healing is a waste of time. It simply makes no sense. And I now understand even less why people would go and push so hard towards a direction if they don't even know what they really want. I did that too and still do to some extent, but I find it illogical. It's a good way of hiding from that fear though, by saying that healing is a waste of time.
I want to get the poison out and not build my character ON THE POISON that other people have fed my subconscious. What I want even less is to choose the direction based on that poison.
I did not think like this before I ran E2, that much I know. I was afraid of letting go of those false dreams that weren't even mine. At least now there's a chance that I won't regret what I'm about to do when I will eventually lie on my deathbed. It's too late to pray for a do over when you are about to die.
