08-03-2016, 06:53 AM
(12-24-2014, 08:10 AM)Natious Wrote: Decided to take a break from being sober and some great things have surfaced. I had my first drink yesterday and it wasn't like before, I no longer seem to have an emotional connection to alcohol as something that would help me. More specifically I didn't feel more social and more fun after having 5 glasses of whiskey (they weren't full of course).
On one side it's good, since that means alcohol has lost it's usefulness to me. But I got to admit the taste of a little whiskey was good.
Oh I remember that! That ended by a year long drinking binge btw.
Why I brought this up is because 10 days ago on my birthday I got drunk as hell after having been sober for something like 8 months. I felt absolutely shit and needed a little something. The night and the day after turned out to be quite great.
I know that I have the genetics of a long line of alcohol addicts. This is possibly something that I can never truly escape. But I can, knowing the real risks, make my own decisions. Bearing this in mind I haven't touched the stuff once since my birthday. I don't know how long this will last neither will I tell myself the delusional lie of never touching it again. I don't dislike alcohol, but I do dislike that I don't know how to live without it.
It is weird that by acknowledging my lack of power over my urge to drink I somehow gain power over it. This somehow goes against some of my beliefs about life in general and "thinking" you can do it won't actually make it so if it feels like a lie.
It makes me so angry when I notice how my brain doesn't work as it should. I have been avoiding medication that might actually help me because I "value life" a lot and so the side effects make me not take them. However I don't think it's that I value life but I fear death and the pain that comes with it. The truth is that what does it matter? I don't feel like I am living right now anyway and I haven't been living for a big chunk of my 25 years on earth. So if I've been dead for so long then why not risk the side effects and try something that might spark me into life again? Hard to make such a big decision.
This is related to my previous post about the possible carcinogenic effect of a long term use of uridine supplement. But a lot of stuff actually has been linked to cancer: alcohol, smoking and what did I miss there? Oh yeah, MOST OF THE STUFF IN A SUPERMARKET.
