Shannon's Journal Discussion

[Shannon]

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Interesting, this seems alike to my current experience with E2. Similar to yours, my journey is filled with a lot of apathy and depression. Late at night while almost falling asleep AND when waking up staying in bed are the moments when I discover a lot of things while reflecting on my thoughts.

I wonder if the depression will fade at any point, because it's a little debilitating. Maybe it's because I don't want to do the things I thought I did. Maybe it just accompanies big change and things that once seemed to matter, no longer do.
It's not easy seeing progress on E2, even thought there's constantly this feeling that something is indeed changing.

The weirdest thing is when some days I realize that I have changed in a particular way. The very next day it's no longer true. So is it change? Why the reversal?

Waking up and falling asleep is when the conscious and subconscious are at balance, and so communicate most easily between themselves.

Depression is, as far as I can see, usually caused by subconsciously feeling hopeless and/or angry. It is very likely that E2 is pushing you to deal with a fear you're trying hard to avoid, but can't. That could result in depression.

When you consciously notice a change and then the next day it's not true, what has happened is that you consciously changed back to what was previously, usually because the change scares you. Sometimes, changes need to be taken in baby steps, and occasionally, they need to be taken two steps forward, one step back.

I hope it does pass and for you Natious; I've noticed I can relate quite well to some of your posts in your journal - its insightful.

Agreed with Shannon: at least my depression does seem to stem for hopelessness and anger now that he said it. There's a certain way I'd like to be and life this life, but especially when I stop E2 for a couple of days I'll find there's a strong, debilitating feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness wrt. to achieving that. I want to feel confident, energetic, driven, playful, but of course also open, happy, and kind & loving in my own way. On E2 I have this feeling that its forcing me towards this 100% content, passive & blissful way of being - which would be fine except that I feel it takes away every tool I have to go for what I want, so I feel powerless but try to fight it -> hopelessness, anger -> depression, and then its starts to cycle down. I think the next step with E2 would just be let go of everything, but I'm not at all sure I can or want to do that. That represents death to me, in some way. Hopelessness, anger, depression - feeling those in my body I of course think "I should do more E2", but.. can I let go of wanting to be dominant and excited to settle for walking alone in parks looking at nature? Its always taken me effort to reach the states that I desire, so I think if I let go of that effort, then that's me giving up, because its not gonna happen otherwise. Sure, maybe I'd start spontaneously talking to people more, but become masculine and sexy again? Become directed when I'm programmed to release all tension? Then again, E2 offers peace - is there peace on AM/SM? At least I thought there was. Weird.

I definitely need to change something. E2 sort of feels good for it, but I'm just not sure I understand where its taking me enough to trust it.

It's like your writing my thoughts with your keyboard.

I have a feeling that E2 is a kind of program that you need to use in a cave and wait out until it is finished. It's like putting your life on a pause. This might be more suited for older people who are done with all the pursuing of dreams and want to just lay back, feed birds and think about their life.

This is not me saying that this program doesn't work. I just expected this journey to be different. I expected more positivity, enjoyment of socializing and not so much feeling weak and insecure 24/7.

I want to make it sound more positive for Shannon's sake, but I don't think I can while giving honest feedback according to my pov.

I am uncertain about running this for 6+ months now. My aim is not to be a bird feeder in a 25 year old body, but rather be driven to build something BIG and live a great life.

Maybe E2 is more suitable as an addition to bigger programs. Which is what Shannon is planning for the future as I understand.

This might be more suited for older people who are done with all the pursuing of dreams and want to just lay back, feed birds and think about their life.

When you have a psychotic break, and you're in a mental hospital, do you go out every night looking for pussy? Or do you stay indoors and rest and work on healing?

The program is designed to get you to focus on healing, dealing with what you need to deal with while healing and repairing yourself, and achieving those goals. It is deep internal work. Of course you're going to be pausing everything else. That's what it takes to achieve the goals.

By the time you're "done with all the pursuing of dreams and want to just lay back, feed birds and think about their life", it's too late for this program to help you achieve your dreams. Think about that.