07-02-2016, 08:57 PM
Day 9- July 2nd
8.5 hours listened during sleep - US Tones - volume 30
1.5 hours listened during waking - trickling stream - volume 7/15 using Headphones
Total listen time - 10 hours
Dreams: I remember one dream where I was in a empty house, the emotion I felt was fear like something was going to pop out and scare the shit out of me......it was empty, and I was thinking to myself that I was rational and there would be nothing scary and there wasn't. but it was empty I dont think there was any furnishings either inside the house.....but I kept running in different areas to prove myself there was nothing creepy or scary....and there wasn't. There was another dream but I can't remember what it was but I know I dreamt something elsse....
Today I felt calm and relaxed around people I guess or wherever there was a social population whether I was in my car or whatever. Like one time today I told this one woman she had her hair down when she had it up yesterday (same woman I met at my insurance agency for something). Didnt take any force to say it or make myself say it, I just said it.....
But then other times, I felt unwanted and like an outsider and wasnt good enough to be around these people even if they dont know me and I am only a customer not working with them.....so I get fear of being calm and playful and just leave.
Then there was this one guy on the phone (you know those shady insurance people that dont want to pay a dime out of their pocket if you are not at fault in an accident) so I had to end up talking with him and I just felt edgy sort of with him, not confident, not self assured, just tried my best to be assertive with him and "alpha professional" I guess he was being very loud and rude at least thats what I perceieved...anyway reason why I mention this is that I felt a sense of dreadfulness having to talk to such insurance guys that dont wanna pay out knowing they are at fault....I know EPHRA doesnt help with confidence building but had to include it in the post anyway.
However I still have a fear that if I have a great time (1st time) talking to random people, the thought to see them again or if they spot me would terrify me and I am hoping not to be seen by such people.....avoiding eye contact......
I feel shame or embarrassing thoughts that used to be embarrassing to me I guess are not bothering me no more....
Still can't open up to say what I want about some stuff to people.....irrational fears are still present just like the people avoidance...
But here is a interesting event that took place, I was buying stuff from Wendys drive thru and this woman dropped my dime and calmly I said to her something along the lines of "I want my dime you dropped my change" and then went on to lecture her "the next time you give change wrap it up in the receipt so it doesn't fall" I dont know if she was listening but I am hoping she felt stupid and didnt have a word to say.
8.5 hours listened during sleep - US Tones - volume 30
1.5 hours listened during waking - trickling stream - volume 7/15 using Headphones
Total listen time - 10 hours
Dreams: I remember one dream where I was in a empty house, the emotion I felt was fear like something was going to pop out and scare the shit out of me......it was empty, and I was thinking to myself that I was rational and there would be nothing scary and there wasn't. but it was empty I dont think there was any furnishings either inside the house.....but I kept running in different areas to prove myself there was nothing creepy or scary....and there wasn't. There was another dream but I can't remember what it was but I know I dreamt something elsse....
Today I felt calm and relaxed around people I guess or wherever there was a social population whether I was in my car or whatever. Like one time today I told this one woman she had her hair down when she had it up yesterday (same woman I met at my insurance agency for something). Didnt take any force to say it or make myself say it, I just said it.....
But then other times, I felt unwanted and like an outsider and wasnt good enough to be around these people even if they dont know me and I am only a customer not working with them.....so I get fear of being calm and playful and just leave.
Then there was this one guy on the phone (you know those shady insurance people that dont want to pay a dime out of their pocket if you are not at fault in an accident) so I had to end up talking with him and I just felt edgy sort of with him, not confident, not self assured, just tried my best to be assertive with him and "alpha professional" I guess he was being very loud and rude at least thats what I perceieved...anyway reason why I mention this is that I felt a sense of dreadfulness having to talk to such insurance guys that dont wanna pay out knowing they are at fault....I know EPHRA doesnt help with confidence building but had to include it in the post anyway.
However I still have a fear that if I have a great time (1st time) talking to random people, the thought to see them again or if they spot me would terrify me and I am hoping not to be seen by such people.....avoiding eye contact......
I feel shame or embarrassing thoughts that used to be embarrassing to me I guess are not bothering me no more....
Still can't open up to say what I want about some stuff to people.....irrational fears are still present just like the people avoidance...
But here is a interesting event that took place, I was buying stuff from Wendys drive thru and this woman dropped my dime and calmly I said to her something along the lines of "I want my dime you dropped my change" and then went on to lecture her "the next time you give change wrap it up in the receipt so it doesn't fall" I dont know if she was listening but I am hoping she felt stupid and didnt have a word to say.
