06-01-2016, 08:19 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-01-2016, 10:36 AM by JackOfHearts.)
Day 31 night:
I just realized again how stupid I was or how I didn't realize something that was so obvious, in front of me. I was experimenting with sex, thinking about to pleasure myself. And trying to understand how I could feel better when having sex, how to bring a good feeling about sex. After thinking a lot I realized something obvious that I was talking about a lot and even giving advice to some woman about this. Because it seems it was more important to women than to for me. How wrong I was. The advice I gave to some woman I know when they couldn't orgasm it that they had a problem with their emotion, they couldn't let go, they couldn't relax. How could I think that I was different and that I could separated my feeling from the actual sex itself. It's like I put sex in one box and my feeling in another. Problem is my mind, my emotion, my thinking ability, the “me” when I say “I” is needed to have sex like every task I do everyday. I think it's part of the system I grow up into and how porn portray sex. I now realize that the healthier my emotion will be the better the sex I'll have will be, what an obvious realization. How could I think that I could a have a great sex performance and have my emotion all over the place. Ephra would help me a great deal with my emotions. I was thinking about using it after SM3 and this gave me another reason again. But my goal if I use Ephra is not to heal really, more to improve my emotion, to correct them, to remove some anxiety, to remove that need to perform or to prove that I can do something to others.
There is one thing I begin to realize also is why I want to have sex. I used to think I wanted sex for the pleasure but after reading a lot of sex story and trying to be true with my real intent I realized that It's not really the case. It's not really the pleasure that I wanted but the ego thing, so I can say that I'm good in bed and I can bring pleasure to women easily. It's just something I wanted to prove. I didn't do for myself. I realized that because when I'm alone I don't really care about the pleasure I have, I cared but it's wasn't that important to me as long I could please my partner: low self esteem,I didn't care about me.
There is also one thing I noticed recently in my attitude is that I'm much more logical while at the same time I'm also fully aware of my emotion. I do use both of my hemisphere when thinking but more effectively than before. It's not easy to explain until I grasp really what's happening. I noticed with the online girl that didn't come to the rendez vous I was more logical and more willing to put action to clearly define what couldn't be the truth or wasn't likely possible. I used to idealize my partners or to have a completely unrealistic view about them so they could fit what I wanted. I used to make an idealized image of the girl I was chating with. And at some point when I would talk with the girl the reality was different to the image I made up of her causing clash, deception, and disappointment.
It becomes difficult to explain everything I'm living through and a lot of what I do feel is very personal. I'm asking myself if I should really share all that. I'm also thinking that meditation would help a lot with sexual performance and to really be in the moment. Obvious things that I don't pay attention. I think too much people even in this forum have a vision about sex that is too mechanical, not human, we have departed from reality, I begin to have this realization more and more. We have lost the real meaning about what a human is. We are not true to ourself. . But I think I'm talking for nothing almost as I read the same things in books but I was oblivious to it, I just put in the back of my mind, half agreeing with it but not putting effort to experience that knowledge. SM3 made it more obvious to me, my sexual reality is shifting.
I begin to have more control over my sexual feeling, when I want to get horny and when I want to make a sexual feeling coming through my eyes or my touch. It seems to become more natural.
Day 32:
I realized I didn't pay too much attention about when I will change stage, I wasn't really that in a hurry to change stage. Even though I didn't really like that stage.
I wondering going to happen in this next stage.
I just realized again how stupid I was or how I didn't realize something that was so obvious, in front of me. I was experimenting with sex, thinking about to pleasure myself. And trying to understand how I could feel better when having sex, how to bring a good feeling about sex. After thinking a lot I realized something obvious that I was talking about a lot and even giving advice to some woman about this. Because it seems it was more important to women than to for me. How wrong I was. The advice I gave to some woman I know when they couldn't orgasm it that they had a problem with their emotion, they couldn't let go, they couldn't relax. How could I think that I was different and that I could separated my feeling from the actual sex itself. It's like I put sex in one box and my feeling in another. Problem is my mind, my emotion, my thinking ability, the “me” when I say “I” is needed to have sex like every task I do everyday. I think it's part of the system I grow up into and how porn portray sex. I now realize that the healthier my emotion will be the better the sex I'll have will be, what an obvious realization. How could I think that I could a have a great sex performance and have my emotion all over the place. Ephra would help me a great deal with my emotions. I was thinking about using it after SM3 and this gave me another reason again. But my goal if I use Ephra is not to heal really, more to improve my emotion, to correct them, to remove some anxiety, to remove that need to perform or to prove that I can do something to others.
There is one thing I begin to realize also is why I want to have sex. I used to think I wanted sex for the pleasure but after reading a lot of sex story and trying to be true with my real intent I realized that It's not really the case. It's not really the pleasure that I wanted but the ego thing, so I can say that I'm good in bed and I can bring pleasure to women easily. It's just something I wanted to prove. I didn't do for myself. I realized that because when I'm alone I don't really care about the pleasure I have, I cared but it's wasn't that important to me as long I could please my partner: low self esteem,I didn't care about me.
There is also one thing I noticed recently in my attitude is that I'm much more logical while at the same time I'm also fully aware of my emotion. I do use both of my hemisphere when thinking but more effectively than before. It's not easy to explain until I grasp really what's happening. I noticed with the online girl that didn't come to the rendez vous I was more logical and more willing to put action to clearly define what couldn't be the truth or wasn't likely possible. I used to idealize my partners or to have a completely unrealistic view about them so they could fit what I wanted. I used to make an idealized image of the girl I was chating with. And at some point when I would talk with the girl the reality was different to the image I made up of her causing clash, deception, and disappointment.
It becomes difficult to explain everything I'm living through and a lot of what I do feel is very personal. I'm asking myself if I should really share all that. I'm also thinking that meditation would help a lot with sexual performance and to really be in the moment. Obvious things that I don't pay attention. I think too much people even in this forum have a vision about sex that is too mechanical, not human, we have departed from reality, I begin to have this realization more and more. We have lost the real meaning about what a human is. We are not true to ourself. . But I think I'm talking for nothing almost as I read the same things in books but I was oblivious to it, I just put in the back of my mind, half agreeing with it but not putting effort to experience that knowledge. SM3 made it more obvious to me, my sexual reality is shifting.
I begin to have more control over my sexual feeling, when I want to get horny and when I want to make a sexual feeling coming through my eyes or my touch. It seems to become more natural.
Day 32:
I realized I didn't pay too much attention about when I will change stage, I wasn't really that in a hurry to change stage. Even though I didn't really like that stage.
I wondering going to happen in this next stage.
