05-29-2016, 01:42 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-29-2016, 01:52 PM by JackOfHearts.)
Stage 3 day 30 night:
I was feeling very emotionally grounded tonight even with the big hungover that I had from drinking yesterday. I was talking with the online friend girl that I just got the number this afternoon. I was very proud about being honest with her while at the same time satisfying my needs. I was also feeling very neediless after going through some ups and down with my neediness level with this girl. Then after that without realizing I started to please myself sexually. After being really frustrated sexually because I didn't improve my sex performance this month. I realized that to please others sexually I have to be able to please myself sexually first. To sexually learn to be sexual with myself, to be sensual, to like to touch self. I think I might have broke a huge barrier of shame about my sexuality. So I let go of everything and I made love with myself, the word love is important here. I think I underestimated how much I can please myself alone, how much pleasure I have without any women. Imagine how much power I have now compared to before, I even dare think that it would be hard for a girl to please me as much that I can please myself alone.
There is so much I learn tonight I was trying to explain things to others and I understood more deeply my own explanation as a result. I think women are less needy because they are more able to please themselves alone, to care emotionally for themselves, to love themselves egocentrically while having less shame about it, in that sense they are more self reliant emotionally that most men. they don't need as much comfort from men as we need from women at least emotionally. While we are needy about emotion, we need to validate our emotion because we are so awkward about it. And the media doesn't help here because a caring sensitive men is seen as weak and pornography made it very clear that men are emotionless sex machine.
So as a result I was able to perform better and last longer, but the fact that I feel more self validated emotionally is a much better reward. And the 2 seems to be intrinsically connected. The mood I am in, the breathing, the letting go, the touching, the self love, how relaxed I am, the shameless attitude that would appear dirty from a shameful person. The experimenting about my body and thinking that maybe I don't know much about my own body, about my own sexuality. Will I let a girl learn me how to have sex when I can learn so much if I'm willing to experiment like a kid playing with himself shamelessly.
I think this is the SM3 stage 3 programming coming in because during this stage I felt an undeniable urge to look deeper into myself. I also have to admit that during the first few days I was looking at porn a lot which may reflect my sexual frustration.
I may need to explain further though because it may appear I'm contradicting myself with another post I made in another journal.
PS: I censored a lot of what really happened
I was feeling very emotionally grounded tonight even with the big hungover that I had from drinking yesterday. I was talking with the online friend girl that I just got the number this afternoon. I was very proud about being honest with her while at the same time satisfying my needs. I was also feeling very neediless after going through some ups and down with my neediness level with this girl. Then after that without realizing I started to please myself sexually. After being really frustrated sexually because I didn't improve my sex performance this month. I realized that to please others sexually I have to be able to please myself sexually first. To sexually learn to be sexual with myself, to be sensual, to like to touch self. I think I might have broke a huge barrier of shame about my sexuality. So I let go of everything and I made love with myself, the word love is important here. I think I underestimated how much I can please myself alone, how much pleasure I have without any women. Imagine how much power I have now compared to before, I even dare think that it would be hard for a girl to please me as much that I can please myself alone.
There is so much I learn tonight I was trying to explain things to others and I understood more deeply my own explanation as a result. I think women are less needy because they are more able to please themselves alone, to care emotionally for themselves, to love themselves egocentrically while having less shame about it, in that sense they are more self reliant emotionally that most men. they don't need as much comfort from men as we need from women at least emotionally. While we are needy about emotion, we need to validate our emotion because we are so awkward about it. And the media doesn't help here because a caring sensitive men is seen as weak and pornography made it very clear that men are emotionless sex machine.
So as a result I was able to perform better and last longer, but the fact that I feel more self validated emotionally is a much better reward. And the 2 seems to be intrinsically connected. The mood I am in, the breathing, the letting go, the touching, the self love, how relaxed I am, the shameless attitude that would appear dirty from a shameful person. The experimenting about my body and thinking that maybe I don't know much about my own body, about my own sexuality. Will I let a girl learn me how to have sex when I can learn so much if I'm willing to experiment like a kid playing with himself shamelessly.
I think this is the SM3 stage 3 programming coming in because during this stage I felt an undeniable urge to look deeper into myself. I also have to admit that during the first few days I was looking at porn a lot which may reflect my sexual frustration.
I may need to explain further though because it may appear I'm contradicting myself with another post I made in another journal.
PS: I censored a lot of what really happened
