05-04-2011, 09:31 AM
(05-03-2011, 10:06 AM)WildFlower Wrote: For the past 2 nights - 3 days - I've been camping in the lake-district without my Ipod re-charger. All in all I missed about one nights exposure to the sub which I'll add on at the end of this Stage.
I've consciously realised that I want to become more practically minded and hands-on. This actually first occurred to me whilst I was pitching up tent, I got some vague thought like "in a few minutes I'll be able to get a hand putting this thing up", then I thought "sod that!" got down on my knees and put the thing up myself. I didn't need help nor want it, I didn't want to have anyone to turn to if things went wrong, I just wanted to get the thing done on my own no matter what the struggle. This may seem really trivial but I meditated on what was going on in my mind - knowing that it was quite significant psychologically - and realised I need to start putting my neck on the line and do things I may fail at. I need to push my own level of competence and not seek help or the easy way out. I saw the first effects of this at work today where I was taking far more responsibility for decisions made in my department.
A few people recently have commented on how quiet I am. This is true. I've definitely become far more introspective and inward focused recently. This is simply my natural disposition accentuated, but I'm also making the effort to get out and be more extroverted, which I'm doing, but I'm not feeling much desire to make small talk. A lot of people mistake not saying much for shyness but that really isn't the case here, I'm just not feeling the need to talk all that much. I feel very self absorbed but also with the realisation I need to become less self absorbed.
Feeling very in touch with my emotions. I realised how much I love and appreciate my parents, brothers, sister, dog, friends, affluence in my life, etc. I actually welled up at one point yesterday - felt a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye, for all the good things I have in my life and haven't been actively, or consciously, fully appreciating. I also became conscious of anything I felt lacking, and very motivated to achieve those things.
I became conscious of how often I fantasise or day dream about the things I want, and how this has been offering me a false sense of comfort, as well as actively acting as a barrier between what I want and achieving those things.
Lots of big wake up calls. This is what Stage 4 seems to be about for me. I mentioned it in my last post also - Stage 4 is making me a realist. For better for worse, a realist. I feel I've improved so much these past few weeks (or at least become conscious of the areas I need to work on) but at the same time I feel further away from where I want to be now than I did at the beginning of Stage 1. This is because where I want to be has become a moving goal post. To quote Einstein: "As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it."
You continue to have the same effects as me throughout this new set... It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one experiencing these things, especially because the past month and a half, due to resistance I would assume, had me questioning this set. But yeah, it's no fun when you get a preview of being this social, fun, life of the party type of guy and then it's yanked out from under you! Lol but I'm excited to see that side again soon.
Ryan
