04-14-2016, 12:56 AM
(04-13-2016, 10:16 PM)Natious Wrote: I wonder where I could get such a device. Any huge speakers and he will probably notice, I'll think about how I could do something like that for a while. That would take some organizing, especially if I don't want it to be running 24/7. But it is true, it might be exactly what he needs.
Had an odd dream. It was of my brother getting more and more fame as a singer (which he has been getting) and I felt jealous. Not jealous of the fact that he was singing, but of the fact that he got fame and I didn't.
I think I had some sort of a release last night when I hit play on the masked track. I started thinking about my life and how sad I feel most of the time. At one point I started thinking about why I hate myself and people and got to a conclusion that I feel people expect too much from me. I am not sure exactly who, but there's always this pressure of "I have to do this" and if I ask myself "why?" then I wouldn't know why. The anger and hate comes from not being able to follow all these "expectations", because simply I couldn't care less about following them. But still on some level they hold a lot of power over me if they can make me feel that much hate and guilt.
I'm going to get a small speaker and MP3 player and hide it under my sister's dresser for the exact purpose. The tricky part is finding a wall outlet that will go unnoticed as the MP3 can just loop for infinity
