03-02-2016, 08:08 AM
Day 39.
On the train I was thinking about how I was struggling with dating last year. It had never been easy for me to be single and by myself. I didn’t like myself so I always needed someone with me, for two reasons: validation from an external source, and a distraction from being me, living my life. That certainly made my relationships very unhealthy and me being in that state could only attract people on the same level as me. I thought about how I had sex with a guy before I was ready, not because I hoped it’d make him like me, but because I wanted that human connection, that closeness. I was so alone and at the same time was terrified of letting people in before they give me a piece of their soul first.
I thought about how I always needed people to like me. It’s still there but not as strong as before. Now the need to be true to myself, do what I like, enjoy my alone time is stronger than ever. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.
On the train I was thinking about how I was struggling with dating last year. It had never been easy for me to be single and by myself. I didn’t like myself so I always needed someone with me, for two reasons: validation from an external source, and a distraction from being me, living my life. That certainly made my relationships very unhealthy and me being in that state could only attract people on the same level as me. I thought about how I had sex with a guy before I was ready, not because I hoped it’d make him like me, but because I wanted that human connection, that closeness. I was so alone and at the same time was terrified of letting people in before they give me a piece of their soul first.
I thought about how I always needed people to like me. It’s still there but not as strong as before. Now the need to be true to myself, do what I like, enjoy my alone time is stronger than ever. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than be with the wrong person.
