Level Up - LTU3.1

[Darwinn]

I feel like I'm waking up from a fuzzy blurred dream, every time I climb out of a Nader of depression. LTU is keeping me up now so it's good to take a look around and see things from a non negative, angry and frustrated perspective.

Still, hitting bouts of resistance. Procrastinating hard but something that occurred to me in am6, or rather something that came to me during am6 was an online pdf written by the owner of the largest hedgefund in the world (bridgepoint). Crazy to think that someone who's the equivalent of warren buffet would write what's essentially a self help book, but there you go.

Anyway the upshot of it is that successful people look at actions in terms of orders of consequence, keeping the actions they take in terms of second and third order consequences (delayed gratification) instead of first order consequences - making every decision based on this. I want to apply this to my current problem of breaking addictions with social media and procrastinating. I have a bad relationship to pain. My equanimity seems to go out of the window when facing threat and this ought to change, if I start associating pleasure and comfort with taking action, or perhaps better and more motivational, associate more pain with not taking action by realising how painful not taking action will be.

A small result to report. I managed to approach a solid mentor, who is game for meeting me. I felt pretty dubious about this but managed to get over it.

Resistance is pretty hard with procrastination working overtime. Let's see what can be done about that this week. I'll look first to practicing causal chain thinking, and second possibly go back to some of the tapping I did before to affect my pleasure responses to taking the easy route and staying in my comfort zone.

One love

[Darwinn]

I've been experiencing forgiving others and myself and it's really something else. A few places I've read that forgiveness sits at the core of emotional healing and I can see why.

Today I sat working on something while listening to the subs and suddenly people who I have a lot of built up animosity toward just appeared in my mind. I could feel their pain and suffering and I felt tremendous compassion for them, and I forgave them. I felt a huge release and like my mind was clear. My energy level just went up and I worked solidly for like three hours, and people were actually speaking to me at work when for the last three weeks or so I've felt like I was in a bubble of solitude with my work colleagues.

Im taking responsibility for myself and the continued shitness of my situation. It's great!!! I'm refusing to be worried by outcomes, steeling myself against what may happen, ready to accept the fallout whichever way things go - hopefully that makes some sense.

[Darwinn]

What the actual f. All the shit I've been through with am6, I didn't expect that I would have a day like today on LTU, when I sat there and every person who has criticised me or told me I'm worthless has screaming in my face in my mind. It was awful, I couldn't work and I had the most miserable look on my face.

What's strange though is I went out with work colleagues and had a great time, I was standing with people making jokes and being just a normal social human even though on the inside I felt like an insecure little troll creature.

I feel like my personality is split in two, inside there is this dark self hating little guy who fears and hates everything including himself. Then there is this compassionate loving, fun guy who is overtly sexual, focussed and just enjoys everything, even challenges - for this guy fears turn into excitement, for the other they turn into self recrimination and depression.

The extremes that I seem to go through on a daily basis can't be healthy , but what the f am I gonna do.

[Darwinn]

So the business is coming along - going to have something up and running within a month so that's a head of schedule. work is going ok - more positive but i get hit by a sinking wave of depression every time i get reminded about my low station at work - i'm basically bottom of the pile in terms of promotion level and it fricken hurts - not nearly so much as it hurts to think that i should be much higher and my peers in my age cohort have moved on so far by now.

Still I gotta come back to me. I'm carving my own path and beating back a decade and a half of severe depression so this pain is like nothing compared to all of that. What consoles me further is that i'm starting to feel truly free of what everyone thinks - i'm not there yet, theres a lot of conditioning but i'm getting snippets of what it would be like to be completely independent and self driven.

I'm also just thinking about my experience of AM6 - it really wasn't the time for me, and similar to what sarge has said in another post, i'm not sure i really care about being an alpha male. I don't really care about being dominant - i don't want to control people, i just want to be free to do what i want without internal or external bs getting in my way.

[Darwinn]

I'm gonna do this damn sub until I've eliminated depression, procrastination and lack of self discipline from my life

That is all.

[Darwinn]

Up date coming.......

[Darwinn]

So here it is. I managed to get the first stage of my business done and produce some work which boosted my rep at work. I'm approx 32 days into using LTU - I would say that I'm noticeably happier and not bothered about a lot of things. I've also become a little too hedonistic - im eating unhealthily and not giving much of a shit, I've put on quite a bit of Weight.

It's impossible for me to berate myself or loathe myself regardless - so that's good.

I would say my goals and pathways to them are opening up (touch wood) im aiming for promotion in two months, and am on course for my business to be up and starting in a month - I can't say what it is here, but suffice it to say I'm excited. Provided no one beats me to it, I think it could be something good.

One thing im also noticing is that im not very sexual. My interest in hooking up is pretty weak. I'm just focussed on my general goals.

Never the less I have decided to add to my goals list that I will loose weight again/recultivate my healthy lifestyle, get a promotion, and start dating again - and if course get my business off and running - in two months I think that's doable. Let's see though

[Darwinn]

Err - so it's wierd how positive I am. I'm finding positive meaning even in bouts of depression. I was exceptionally down yesterday. About to launch my business in two weeks when someone with much more experience challenged me on my plans and totally showed me up as being unprepared and basically made me out to be a Total fool.

This naturally sent me into a massive spiral - Just lay in bed berating myself for being a loser, being old and unaccomplished, having failed at fitness, even feeling like i've failed at subs since after two runs of AM6 I'm Back where I am.

My thought process went something like this - lets call the two sides of the internal dialogue 1 and 2

1. 'What's the point, I keep Screwing up, I'm stupid and no matter how hard I try I just end up back where I started'
2. Agreed, it feels terrible to fall or stumble but it's a necessary part of growth, and you are doing something totally new
1. I don't think i have what it takes
2. clearly you do, you have come this far, your first serious obstacle indicates only that you're progressing forward.
1. it was so embarrasing though, Everyone thinks I'm an Idiot
2. But better to have your issues exposed now rather than later - this was so valuable!
1. it's all so hard, i just don't think i can do it
2. This is where you practice Courage; Again - A win!

This all took place with lots of brooding about various things and finally resulted in me snapping out of it; kind of awaking to reality again. I do still massively fear that i'm just not gonna change, something does keep yanking me back to old patterns and it's frustrating as hell.

Anyway. Despite a less positive time over the last week. I'm on course to have a business up in 3 weeks, now with a better sense of how to go about preparing for the different ways in which I can get some revenue coming in.

[Darwinn]

I'm wondering if this is just a waste of time. I've clearly got some deep rooted crap which just refuses to budge - I keep getting yanked back to this same place.

I'm Thinking I just need to get on EPRHA and Do a Sh*t tonne of releasing of the past - i'm sick of this negativity.

At this stage i mistrust and suspect everyone of belittling me - to the point where i have distanced myself from everyone. i have no close relationships and don't want anyone close. I've always been a bit of a loner - playing comedian to a crowd in order to gain acceptance at least but at this stage i just don't care about anyone. My friends say they 'love' me, but i feel nothing, the concept doesn't even make sense, especially since when we interact all i get from them is BS and condescention - i wonder if they just love that they can stand next to me and feel like less of a chump.

Update on my goals.

Work

I wanted to get to a decent rating in my team - i said i would like to be in the upper end of ratings in my team, this seems to have happened now. I have my business progressing - i'm going to launch but need a business plan quick time. The mentor who i mentioned before finally has time to meet me and i'mm going to seem him today - maybe that would help with some perspective.

Social
Socially I'm verging on totally spastic at the moment, awkward, self doubting, selfdeprecating - avoiding any sort of challenge what soever. Honestly I just want to stay away from people - i feel mentally slow, frustrated and tired.

Mental
I'm in a constant cycle - motivated, determined, wanting to conquer the world, and then just sitting in my room watching netflix for hours on end, Not wanting to be too challenged. Then Anger for my past, the inertial of my current situation. This leads back to a 'DO or DIE' mentality - where it's all or nothing, things go ok for a while but i'm so focussed on work that i just become more anti social, i end up snapping and finding myself back in the Sh*t again.

I don't see anything for it now but just spending all of my time focussing on releasing all of this crap!

[eternity]

hey budday keep going. don't mistake temporary for permanent. isn't eprha in LTU?

anyway there's this joke about a certain caste of people in india..

one of them was challenged to swim from the tip of india to sri lanka. So he took on the challenge. He got 3/4 of the way there, and then said "i can't do it, i'm too tired" and swam all the way back...

[brightike]

Just keep on going bud. Looking forward to the new update!

[Natious]

Had a similar bout of depression for a few days and realized how important choosing a goal with absolute certainty is. I was thinking how much fear I have and running OF would definitely help, was wondering why am I even running EPRHA, all my problems come from fear maybe I should switch to OF now etc etc.
And then it hit me, it will always be like this, on every single sub that I run. I told myself: "There is no way in hell that I am stopping this sub before at least 3 months are done!". This threw the resistance right out of the window and switching subs hasn't entered my mind since. Give certainty a try, might do wonders for you too, after all LTU looks like an amazing sub

EDIT: This reminded me of Will Smith's video:

[Darwinn]

Thanks a lot guys.

Things are better in as much as I've remembered to take back responsibility for what's happening around me and within. I needed some inspiration and got pushed toward a lot of good material which lead me back to eckhart tolle stuff. It's helpful for taking a break from everything and detaching from BS. Today I'm just back to work - grinding through lots of projects, but the good side is that i'm taking it all in my stride more. It's a paradox i guess. everything seems to be a game. A game that you have to play seriously, but not take seriously.

I just have to let go of the past and play the hand i've got.

I've got a rough sketch of a plan, but won't post on it until i've taken some solid action on it.

[Darwinn]

Man I just don't want to do anything right now. For the last week or so I've practically done nothing. I've just been lying around distracting myself with facebook and more social media. I was going to sit down and start releasing crap but I couldn't even bring myself to try and tap on what I was feeling because I just don't know. I had a bit of a plan, it's just faded into nothing.

Desire to even leave my room is verging on zero. I just see problems everywhere and that its all probably just pointless.

I'm not hating on mysef, I'm just ok with how shit everything is. I look terrible. Am really lazy. Have no social skills - what's interesting though. My job is going ok, people are being nice to me, I've had some great new ideas for my business.

I think a big part of it is the lack of women in my life, I feel kind of worthless like what do I have to offer anywau - I don't even mean it in a negative way, just it is what it is.

I want to do sm3 but I can't afford to take 6 months to do it, knowing that ii need to sort out my life goals first, I.e. Get financial independence. So it's gonna be Base for me I guess.