EIP and Max learning, achieving some goals

[Astrack]

Did Max learning change your sleep patterns?

[mat422]

Did Max learning change your sleep patterns?

Yes. I found that I needed a lot more sleep than usual. If I didn't get enough sleep it's like I was a bit slow the next day.

[mat422]

So EPHRA has been making changes. But I've probably not been listening enough. It's kind of funny how ridiculously easy it is to slip on headphones and press play during the day, and yet there's a very strong resistance to doing so. I was going strong for a while with dedicated listening and then I slowly stopped for some reason. I realized today I really need to pick it back up again because I'm only hurting myself by avoiding listening.

It kind of feels like I'm able to distance myself from the negativity more. Like I'm not internalizing it and convincing myself I'm an awful person. Obviously I have my weak moments, but lately I feel like I have more control. Or I should say I feel like I have a choice, either let go of the negativity or internalize it and make myself feel worse.

As far as depression goes, it's still there. But I'm not letting it define me as much as I used to. That means monitoring what I say and reminding myself that it's just the depression speaking.

Still not 100 percent certain what's due to subconscious beliefs vs physical problems. But I've started taking more vitamins and making sure I get good nutrition. Also I was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid, so I'm on medication for that now. Whatever it is, mental or physical, I'm doing whatever I can to get better at this point.

[mat422]

I don't update this journal as much as I used to and I'm not as active in this community as I used to be either. This is gonna sound sort of negative, but I'm still not beyond the whole comparing myself to other people thing. I've made some huge steps, but I've still got a long way to go. And reading others journals, well it should be inspiring, but sometimes it's overwhelming because I can see how huge of a gap there is. But I think it's pretty awesome what kind of results everyone has been getting.

Now to step into my more philosophical mode of thought. I've been thinking about beliefs and how they are really central to almost everything in life. I've been experimenting with changing my state of mind and practicing maintaining states. What I've learned is that yes, I can shift to a different state. To the point where I can temporarily see beyond my limiting beliefs. The problem is maintaining this state. I'm not going to say it's impossible, but it requires a lot of energy. And I think what happens is instead of that energy propelling me further, it's more like a tug of war between negative beliefs and trying to internalize that new state.

Which brings me to my next topic. Doubts about subliminals working. Despite using these throughout the years and making changes in my life, there still exists lingering doubt that it was all a fluke and they didn't really do anything. Now I don't know how much that affects the results from them. But I've noticed in general people who have 100% faith in something tend to achieve faster results. Not really sure how to bypass that doubt. Lately I've been sort of doing method acting. Like putting myself into the mental state of someone who has the subliminals easily impact them. It's been helping a bit.

[mat422]

"Feel it fully and let it go". It's a phrase I've heard a million times and thought I was pretty good at following. Well today I realized just how much resistance I have to feeling things fully. I'll get part of the way there, I feel the emotions, but I stop short of really feeling them.

The only thing I can think of is I still have some kind of aversion to going through the whole process of fully feeling emotions. Maybe it's fear of having them invalidated. Maybe it's because at the peak of feeling the emotions it feels like an incredibly vulnerable state. I guess I've always exhibited some kind of control or restraint when it came to emotion. Surrendering or letting go to the feeling can be unsettling because it makes me truly realize just how much power emotions can hold at times. One of my biggest fears is being swept up in those emotions and sort of losing control. So I guess I am a control freak.

It's funny how I'll try to distill it down to a technique. Like how to logically feel emotions fully so I can release them. It just reflects my inability to truly let go and need to have control over the entire emotional process. But emotions don't work like that, and I guess that's why for as long as I've been using these subs I've been dealing with resistance a lot.

It's funny how something as simple as just experience emotions fully, something a baby does effortlessly, has become needlessly convoluted as an adult.

[mat422]

So being unemployed for a while now sucks big time. What sucks more is fear. So consciously I want a job, I need money, I need to survive somehow. But I've got so much fear inside of me when it comes to actual work, my duties, performance, mistakes, etc I find that subconsciously I resist the idea. I'll apply, get an interview, then after the interview actually hope that nobody calls me back. It's so contradicting. And I do wonder about things like the LOA. If my fear overpowers my desire to get a job, essentially I'd think I'd be shooting myself in the foot. Even worse is I wonder if the interviewer can sense this stuff. I'm tired of acting in job interviews, I know it's necessary sometimes, but I just wish there wasn't this crazy duality inside of me that makes doing this even harder than it needs to be.

On that note, I've realized my reluctance to take on more responsibilities in a job is due to my fear of failing at it or making a mistake. Not the actual work I'd have to be doing. It's like gambling. More responsibilities, generally better position and more pay, but increased risk of screwing something up. Less responsibilites, low possibility of screwing things up, less pay and lower position.

I've always been drawn to the ones with less responsibilities. I figure I'll do what I need to do, punch out, then work on my actual passion which is music. But I've realized that I'm severely limiting myself because I do have some amount of skills which would be valuable to employers and it would make my life easier if I wasn't struggling to get by.

[mat422]

So either I'm finding stuff out or EPRHA is putting me on a path that will help me release things better. I've basically learned there aren't really any coincidences in life, so I'm gonna say that this was due to the sub manifesting it in my life.

Anyway I started doing Zhan zhuang. I've always found I had trouble releasing things and in general meditating. But doing this standing meditation, it's been a great benefit to me. I can feel the flow of blockages and negative emotions exit through my feet into the ground. And since it's more active I don't fall asleep.

It's been a great compliment to EPRHA. As great as EPRHA is, I always felt that I wasn't really able to release things. This kind of accelerates the process.

[mat422]

Well after taking a week off EPRHA and finally coming back to it I've realized it really helps. The biggest thing I notice is it really takes the edge off my anxiety. Anxiety is a really big problem for me because when I'm stuck in a highly anxious state I don't make the best decisions and my perspective is really screwed up. Which can cause more anxiety if those poor decisions land me into trouble, for example procrastinating on a job search. So yeah, pretty glad to have EPRHA in my life. Better than the crappy meds I was taking with their side effects.

[mat422]

I think I might have figured out where my resistance comes from with EPRHA. After reading through a bit of my journal I've come to the realization that I lack self compassion for myself. I never really take it easy on myself, which is exactly what I need to do to get better. Instead I'm plagued by the fear if I go easy on myself I'll just become complacent and won't be good enough. The irony is, if I was easier on myself I'd get more done because I wouldn't have so much fear about not being great at it. It's very deceiving, there's a strong part of me that tells me I have to do or be something great in order to have any value in life. Kind of no surprise that holding that mentality has caused anxiety and depression in my life.

So EPRHA is pretty much attempting to cultivate a mentality of self forgiveness and self worth, but my mind is strongly rejecting the idea because of how polar opposite the two mentalities are. So from this point forward I'm going to work on practicing self compassion on the conscious level as well. I've been very good at practicing putting myself down and beating myself up, so now I just need to work on flipping it around so showing myself compassion becomes my default habit.

[Shannon]

Great progress, Mat! I'm going to be making EHPRA 2.0 and I have noted your journal in how to improve it. If your subconscious is fighting the program, the solution is endless bombardment. Maximum hours per day, every day. Do at least 12 hours, and 21 if possible.

[mat422]

Great progress, Mat! I'm going to be making EHPRA 2.0 and I have noted your journal in how to improve it. If your subconscious is fighting the program, the solution is endless bombardment. Maximum hours per day, every day. Do at least 12 hours, and 21 if possible.

Thanks Shannon. I look forward to EHPRA 2.0. These past few days there's been a huge shift in my beliefs. I think I've finally managed to let go of playing the victim and realized that it's my responsibility to change things. The only thing stopping me is myself, nothing is out of my control because ultimately my own mind created it. I'll continue to bombard my subconscious with the subliminal as much possible.

[mat422]

Had a job interview today for a groundskeeping job. Probably not my finest moment in interviewing history. Unfortunately my anxiety still gets the better of me and kind of makes it hard to think on my feet if an unexpected question gets asked. But I did the best I could in my circumstances and that's good enough for me. Normally I'd beat myself up on the drive back and my mood would take a nose dive, but I caught it early this time.

The only other troubling thing on my mind is job performance. I always strive to do my best, unfortunately when I'm in the process of learning something it can make me nervous and cause more mistakes. Then I might get criticized, which would make me perform even worse. I do my best not to let these things affect me, but sometimes I slip up.

I've definitely been feeling better, but there are definitely still some trigger points that spike my anxiety that I still need to work on. But I recognize that's just a work in progress and there's no need to beat myself up about it. Change will come in time.

[QuantumEnthusiast]

I didn't want to bump this old thread, so I'll post my post here

http://subliminal-talk.com/thread-3220-page-5.html

Man mat, you have no idea how grateful I am for you and that old thread of yours. I just finished reading through it. We have a lot in common, perfectionism, being the mediator between parents, anxiety, painful memories, over analyzing, too intelligent for our own good, reading up on similar things for self improvement, thinking you'll come off as a nut job if you shared some of it and more.

SargeMaximus had given you some solid advice, although I don't agree about one post he made about how he said everyone is depressed and he's miserable but accepting it gives him power. Being empowered is true but that doesn't mean you can't stop being miserable and not be in control.

See reading through that whole thread word for word, it reminded me of something I'd forgotten. It's that, nothing is more empowering than being in the present moment. Just like you I couldn't accept the concept in The Power of Now, but I realized that was my ego resisting out of the fear of losing what it's identified with. That book is truly powerful if you understand the concepts. I haven't read the book in a long time and I never finished it, but honestly it was because of the perfectionist in me. I thought I had fully grasped it and I can put it to action. I did for a couple of weeks, then I let the negativity seep in again without even knowing. Here I am, now identifying with my past again hahah. I'm glad though, because that reminder left an even more of a firm mark in my consciousness about being present.

The reason I was tempted to write this post instead of just taking what I got and moving on was because I noticed how you were going in the same circles as I used to. Trust me, I know how you feel when you say that past can't just be in the past, I used to believe the same thing but here is what I realized, you can choose to be however you want to be right now, in the PRESENT. It is YOU who is resisting and not letting the past go. What helped me realize this was that, there is nothing that will magically make a shift in your mind, it takes consistent work. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Also, being stuck in misery is what's comfortable for us. We might or might not accept this consciously, but subconsciously we are identified with this. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can make some real change. I know man, it's extremely difficult but you've gotta push through this. Your subconscious will cause so many triggers that will even cause you to consciously believe something isn't working, is ridiculous and cause you to dismiss a solution, because even if you might deny it, you are comfortable being miserable/depressed. I know I was, I loved talking about how depressed I was, thinking about my problems, all the emotional situations that caused damage, all the bad and the ugly. I was identified with it so much that thinking about the idea that I was actually doing this to myself, as shown from many sources I've found as well as The Power of Now, made me dismiss that shit completely at first. I felt the same way as I was reading The Power of Now as you did, I thought fuck this is like a religion itself, but then I realized it doesn't have to be that way. I'm in control of what I take in, and even if it WAS like a religion, so what? It HELPS me to overcome all this bulls**t.

The two weeks I actually properly practiced being in the present moment, were honestly the 2 most happiest weeks of my life; kind of happiness that is so pure that you can't explain. Also, I didn't LOSE my ability to empathize with people, on the contrary, I felt empathy towards the people because I knew they were doing this to themselves. I no longer identified with the pain and bulls**t, I just simply knew that it's sad they are doing this to themselves and they don't even realize it, then I offer whatever knowledge I can. Before however, what I used to do was, I'd empathize with them and association my pain and bulls**t with theirs then start talking about it. In the end, no one actually overcomes it or is relieved of the pain, instead we both just feel even MORE comfortable being miserable because we SHARE the misery. Do you see how counter intuitive and destructive that is?

Let me ask you a question, do you WANT to be in control of your life, your emotions, and your thoughts? If yes, then learn to detach yourself from them and then you have the CHOICE which emotions and thoughts you WANT to give power to and experience; that's truly empowering. When I came to this point in my realization, I got this weird feeling and heard a silent voice, "I don't have to be sad and depressed anymore? Then what would I be?" and I couldn't help but smile.

Whatever you identify with, you become. So my invitation to you is, stop identifying with the past pain, emotional baggage, and negativity and you will become positive, fun, loving, and happy. I'm not saying this is easy, it takes work and you might fall back a bit at times but KEEP GOING, always BELIEVE that you can do it. Honestly, as much as I dislike admitting it(again ego issue hahah, but accepting is a step forward.), going back to the book The Power of Now from time to time was what kept me going and got me to experience those 2 weeks of bliss. I thought, oh now I got this it's permanent but then I lost my way again. I'm going to either write myself a simplified way of staying in the present moment which I will keep referring back to or put a reminder for myself to always be in the present moment and OBSERVE the negative thoughts and let them pass without judging them and giving them power. The concept is very simple, but it's hard to apply consistently till it becomes 'permanent'; I'd say it's even harder for us because our perfectionist ego is going to get in the way because it's not becoming 'permanent' fast enough and it's such a simple concept. Also then there is the part where, there is a need for the solution to be 'complex' and not easy because our issues and problems are so 'intense' and 'severe' it can't be that simple to solve right? Oh and hahaha I had a major problem with this at point, I thought that a solution that worked for other people wouldn't necessarily really work for me, because come on my problems are WAY MOOORE SEVERE AND UNIQUE. Boy was my ego wrong, hah.

One last MAJOR realization was that, I was so over analyzing and trying to get to the root of where all this was stemming from that I didn't even realize I was making it worse. You can't really get to the 'root' because that shit can go back all the way to the time you spent in your mom's womb. You won't see the end of it. Again, perfectionism hahaha :p

Anyways man, again I'm grateful for that thread of yours and the journal. Your posts and SargeMaximus' posts were a huge reminder for me. I truly am grateful

I hope there is something for you to get out of this LONG A$$ post hahaha I wish you all the best bro! I'm certain you'll create the change you want to

[mat422]

Awesome post, thanks a lot for writing all that out. Glad you got a bit out of my journal too, sometimes I worry I ramble on way too much haha.

It's crazy you mention the present moment because I experienced that state your described a day ago. And it's weird how things have been sort of aligning in my life, like little stepping stones. Whenever I make some realization or shift in awareness it's been reflected in my reality. I think this is definitely due to the current subliminal I've been using.

As far as being present goes. One thing I've started doing is becoming aware of the sensations around me. Sounds, sights, sensations, feelings, etc. the more you can tune into these things the more you automatically enter the present. Because the present is what you readily perceive at that moment in time. And it's truly amazing when you can look at something like a tree and see what it is, not the label attached to it. Obviously I'm not experiencing this state 24/7 because things will snap me out of the present. But practicing it whenever I can has made me realize how powerful the present moment truly is.