EIP and Max learning, achieving some goals

[mat422]

So I realized that I over think things. I've been here before. I know I've made this realization before. But I guess I'll just write it down anyway. Fear of failure, fear of making mistakes, fear of not being good enough. I don't DO enough, I just think. Somehow I believe if I think enough I'll have some epiphany in my head that will make everything easier. I think if I just find where my fear of failure comes from I can smooth things out. Is it my self esteem? Is it some messed up belief system? Intellectualizing all these things does nothing at all. I've been under the mistaken assumption for YEARS that there is some answer, some solution. But all it does is make me go further into my head which is a field of landmines.

Fear has been my enemy for years. I ran subs left and right to remove the fears. I'll be honest, it did very little for me. And I did resist it all. Of course i did, because I resist ANYTHING in my life that triggers fear. So something, which is not my voice is being pumped into the deepest most emotional part of my mind and my first instinct is to not trust it. How do I get around that? I don't even know if I can. So far I've found that the only way to overcome fear is to do what you fear and then change your perception of the thing you feared.

I didn't want to accept this truth because it's damn difficult. Facing fear is just about the hardest thing to do. I've suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my life. And I hid behind those labels. I don't know if it was conscious or not, but I wanted to be sick and ill in the head. At least then I had an excuse for why I failed. I could just point the blame on something outside my control instead of taking responsibility for my own failures. And I could avoid potential failures by using my mental illness as a way to rationalize my avoidance of the things I've feared.

Nothing in this post is particularly enlightening to me. In fact, making the post doesn't guarantee that I have the right mindset internalized. From this point forward it will be my actions that dictate my continued improvement.

[mat422]

Looking at my previous post I feel like I might have jumped the gun a bit. Depression and anxiety are an issue in my life and I'm working on them. But accusing myself of holding onto them doesn't really do me any good. In a lot of ways it just puts the blame onto me even more. And the last thing I need is more self talk that puts myself down. I guess I need to look at it as more like a wound that's healing. You can't look down at a cut and yell at yourself to take responsibility and get rid of it. That's not how it works. And mental issues and problems are just like wounds that require healing. They'll heal, you just have to let them. The problem is growing up in a society where sometimes people who don't struggle with the same issues feel they are qualified to preach to you about what you should do. Then it echoes in your head and eventually the self doubt creeps in. From there it's a downward spiral of beating yourself up and feeling pretty worthless.

Mostly I make these journal entries to remind myself of important things. Things like everyone is at their own level and to not compare myself to others. And that treating yourself with compassion and doing your best is better than beating yourself up and pushing yourself beyond your limits until you crash. There's a certain behavior in me that I recognize. I'll intentionally put myself through stress and frustration because I feel like I deserve it. Like I haven't been trying hard enough and if I go easy on myself I'm just taking the easy way out. The irony is that pushing myself beyond my limits actually makes things worse, whereas if I let up on myself I'd have a better mental state and get more accomplished.

I feel like I'm trying to swim upstream when I should just be letting go and letting the river carry me to my destination. I get in the way of myself so much with these subliminals. I think part of it is sometimes the really heavy emotions it brings up when it needs to be let go. There's almost this protective barrier. I can see the painful stuff, but I don't let it run its course and leave. Truthfully when I was younger I used to meditate a lot and the amount of pain it brought up in me was almost too much to handle. The worst part is, it never left. It's left me very reluctant to accept any negative or painful emotions I might be feeling for fear of getting stuck in them. So I'll actively suppress them and I'll feel a little better, but I always know there is something bubbling beneath the surface. I know in the past using subliminals it can be like opening up a can of worms. I'll finally allow an emotion in, but it takes me a good week or two to purge it. The problem is during this time I might mistake past emotional feelings coming up for things occurring in the present. This can cause me to make some poor decisions that I regret. Ultimately I feel like it boils down to me fearing the lack of control, I don't want to fall back into a dark place. As much as I tell myself that can't happen and I have control over my emotions, I know that's not always the case.

[mat422]

Kind of had a realization the other day. As a human being, I'm an emotional creature. Suppressing those emotions is a bad idea. I'm very controlling, I don't like letting my emotions run wild. Part of that is because I fear I'll get carried away with them and hurt myself or others. But it's a very irrational fear that I have to overcome.

Emotions should flow through me, unattached to them just letting them run their course. Otherwise it's like kinking up a hose and blocking up everything. It gets exhausting trying to control how I express myself instead of just doing it. I guess part of that ties to a fear of rejection for my true authentic self.

If you grew up hyper sensitive to the world around you, you know how advice like stop caring what others think is pretty much useless. There comes a point when the issues an individual faces aren't just shyness or low self confidence. In my case it started with being sensitive as a child and bad events and generally unpleasant circumstances caused a lot of conditioned responses to the world. After a while it's easier to attempt to control everything than deal with the chaos of my mind.

I don't know if I'll ever get to a point where I feel like my anxiety is gone. I'm going to hope for the best, but at the same time be willing to accept that it's just how I'm wired. There's a lot about me that causes frustration and 90% of it seems to be because I keep trying to fit myself into a mold instead of being myself. But I'm not content with just being myself, I want to be my best self. I'll never know what my best self is unless I continually strive for it.

Interestingly enough this has a direct impact on my music as well. I have to be comfortable with being myself with my music and not trying to be someone else. My music is an extension of me and a lot of my creative blocks were because I felt what I did was wrong or not like everyone else.

[mat422]

Hola Mat,

You have a pretty good ability of self-reflection as you realize accurately how you act and react emotionally and psychologically. Came around to notice a clear pattern in your wording and described attitudes though, that may hold the hidden key to unlock one door on your path to find your true power.

You often use the wording 'have to' or 'should do' and additionally depict that perfectionism is holding you back at times. Anxiety while doing something comes along. Fear of failure and a few others.

Producing music is what you aim for (Great goal btw!), thus you want to be perfect in undertaking this awesome adventure. But perfectionistic demands lead often to fear of failure which leads to some procrastination which leads to self-criticism which leads to anxiety and depression which leads to the loss of confidence which leads to a greater fear of failure which leads to stronger need to use procrastination as a temporary escape which leads to ... you get the picture.

I see this pattern because I stumbled upon this book. It opened my eyes and I do not intent to let anyone else suffer from this shit any longer if I can help it. Please consider giving it a try.

Kick 'have to' from your list of words and replace it with 'I choose to'. This is where the magic starts.


Spread power with words.

Raz

Thanks Raz. You're completely right about the perfectionism. I've been battling with it for a while now. I'll definitely check out that book. I really do need relief from this perfectionism. I can power through the procrastination feelings, but it takes tremendous willpower and eventually I get way too worn out.

[mat422]

So I started another medication. A small dose of wellbutrin that's supposed to balance out the fatigue brought on by the zoloft. But I'm really starting to hate this medication. I'm giving it a couple of weeks to see if I adjust and if I don't I'm dropping it.

The more I think about medication, the more I'm not exactly comfortable with what it does to my brain and body. I'm still getting side effects, mostly nausea and headaches. And while my mood has improved slightly, for all I know it could just be the placebo effect. And what exactly causes the side effects? The pill itself? Or my body's reaction to the substance from it?

But I've noticed that they do help pull me out of the depression. I've had some insights about myself since taking them. But it's hard to tell if these insights and growth would disappear if I got off the meds. It's kind of like subliminals when people start them and decide they did it all on their own, so they decide to stop because they don't need them. I don't want to be like hey I'm all better and then pull myself off the meds and then crash again. I'm gonna have to try at least once, but the plan is to maybe get a job first and then wean myself off. Mostly because of my anxiety and finding the whole thing incredibly stressful, if I go off the meds I might swing back into a depressive episode.

It's a tough call to make. And the thing that bugs me the most is that there really aren't any solutions to my problems out there. Nothing that would definitely make me feel better, without a doubt. Even with subliminals I have a tendency to resist positive changes. I haven't given up and I'll never give up, but these challenges I face are a real pain. Worst part is I'm standing in my own way and I don't really know how to not do that.

I'm just real fed up with things. Just broke, in debt, and not feeling like being a slave to money. Trying to break the cycle my parents fell into, but so far I've just been messing that up pretty bad. My life just feels like a trainwreck. I gotta find a way to fix all of this.

[mat422]

Ok well priority shift. Over the past few weeks I've been doing some reading. I've realized that my self worth is too caught up in my music. My desire to get really good at music was basically to prove my own self worth to myself. Which is not a good thing because 1 my self esteem is reliant on an external thing which is not good and 2 it kills the joy of music for me. And that's why I started my journey into music, to express myself and have fun doing it. I'll always be looking to improve and keep pushing for better music, but I won't tie it to my self worth anymore. The anxiety of never being good enough is just too much mental strain and unneeded. And completely paralyzing.

I've realized there is still a very large hole in me and I fill it up by going on these quests to be great at something. Always setting the bar way too high and feeling like a failure when I can't achieve it. There's always this fear that if I start feeling ok with myself as I am, that my motivation for pursuing these things will fade. That my only drive has ever been fear and inadequacy. But as I've learned with fear throughout the years it will tell you lies. This is how I feel, but past experience has shown me that when you lessen the demands on yourself you naturally achieve more.

So after that I've come to the conclusion I need to drop these two subs for now. Currently I'm unemployed, have minimal savings, have minimal work experience, and student loans I need to pay off. I also still suffer from social anxiety and depression which act as serious obstacles in finding employment. I need to address this because not being able to work and having no income is a huge problem. And I'm 23 and still living at home, which is happening to a lot of people my age with the job availability in the US. But my parents are going through a divorce and my Dad is probably going to need to sell the house eventually because he can't afford the cost of living here especially after taking a nasty pay cut at his job.

My biggest issue is that I didn't develop into an adult. I've had issues all my life that have screwed me up and my priorities were always on taming my anxiety and depression so I could be somewhat functional. I didn't build any foundation. It took me until I was 20 to start to get a handle on things and realize how bad this stuff was and how I needed to address it. And now with the lack of stability around me it's adding stress which is making things worse. In a way yeah it's gonna push me to try to get up on my feet and support myself. But there's always the possibility that it makes things worse for me. All in all not the most ideal circumstances to grow as a person, but there's nothing I can do about the past.

All that being said. I'm debating if I should go back to EPRHA or ASC. I honestly can't tell which would benefit me more at this point. But my priorities definitely have to switch.

That's it for now. A long stream of consciousness rant from me. I'm praying that my luck turns around and my job search starts going better. All I can do is keep trying and hope for the best.

[Asanti]

Hi Mat. If I was you I would go for EPRHA, because this sub enabled me to see the light at the end of the tunnel... and well.. I too suffered from depression/anxiety and you know what? It really doesn't matter if the tunnel is going to be 200/300/400/(...)/ days long, the thing that matters is that there IS THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. You too can recover completely... it just takes time... sometimes a lot of time and exhaustion...

[mat422]

Hi Mat. If I was you I would go for EPRHA, because this sub enabled me to see the light at the end of the tunnel... and well.. I too suffered from depression/anxiety and you know what? It really doesn't matter if the tunnel is going to be 200/300/400/(...)/ days long, the thing that matters is that there IS THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. You too can recover completely... it just takes time... sometimes a lot of time and exhaustion...

Thanks. I'll start using EPRHA again. I'm determined to get there. I've had dark days, but I've always seen the light. I feel like I'm getting closer, but I'm just not there yet. But I'm moving forward, slowly but surely.

[mat422]

Ditched the wellbutrin today because it was making my anxiety worse. So I'm just sticking to zoloft from now on. I have to say after being on anti-depressants for a bit I've changed my opinion of them. I used to be completely against them and thought they numbed things or covered up issues. I've since realized they are really important for me to function in my life. Where I stand now. If somebody can overcome their issues without anti-depressants, I'd say go for that first. But if you've exhausted a lot of your options and eventually you get to that point where you lose hope and don't think anything will ever pull you out of it, I'd say anti-depressants are a good idea. One thing I realized is when I'm deep in depression, it becomes hard if not impossible to muster up the energy to keep moving forward because all I've seen are my past failures at getting better.

On the EPRHA side of things, I think it's been doing a lot of good. I've recently repaired my relationship with my dad. Now he's not an awful person, but when I was a child he would often explode and yell and violate my trust. I'm pretty sensitive, so this left deep wounds in me. I didn't realize it until I started addressing these issues, but I don't have a strong connection with him. And as much as I love my mom and all she's taught me, I realize the lack of a male role model in my life left me with a void of what masculinity truly is. I filled that void with stupid caricatures of masculinity, or had a very poor image of men in general being these aggressive unforgiving people. Basically my view of masculinity was this one dimensional overly negative view and I distanced myself from it.

I'd say that within these past few months I've realized how in denial I was about a lot of things. A lot of pain I was feeling that I was afraid to openly express for fear of being perceived as weak. How I felt that anti-depressants made me a failure because I couldn't do it on my own. How my parents divorce is a tough thing even though I'm 23. How wrong other people have been, not me, about my struggle with mental illness over the years. A lot of shame built up over things that are just part of the human condition. And how I still subconsciously believe I'm not good enough, which manifests as putting myself down and genuinely having a hard time understanding why someone could like me. Also to stop trying to be someone I'm not and accept how I am. I've realized that I am very sensitive and empathetic, traits that I condemned myself for when I was younger because I never really fit in. But as I've gotten older I've realized that people tend to value these things in a person. And as egotistical as this might sound, I feel like by just being myself in this world I can change the lives of people who I interact with. Not in a grandiose way, but be that small kind of positivity that seems to be lacking sometimes. I feel like if I didn't have so much social anxiety, I'd be more open with complete strangers. But sometimes opening up to people who aren't receptive to it can do more harm than good for me.

One thing I've really come to realize is that as much as self improvement is important, wiping away all the garbage that hides your true self is more important. I've touched on it before but I'd frequently use the alpha male subliminal as a way to build up armor around myself and further alienate myself from my real core self. I'll always strive for improvement, but it will no longer be once I get to xyz then I'll love and accept myself. It's an illusion, a perpetual treadmill and setting conditions for accepting yourself is a painful way to live. It is a balance however. You can't love and accept yourself and then eat twinkies and play video games all day. But for people who are really hard on themselves, like myself, love and acceptance is a very powerful thing. I don't know where I got the idea that I was undeserving of love unless I achieved great things, it wasn't from my parents because they were more than supportive. I can only assume that it was due to my chronic depression and the beliefs I internalized because of that.

[SargeMaximus]

It's an illusion, a perpetual treadmill and setting conditions for accepting yourself is a painful way to live. It is a balance however. You can't love and accept yourself and then eat twinkies and play video games all day.

/\ Loved this. It's been on my mind recently too. How can I accept myself when I've got so much I have to change? One way is to accept that I feel I need to change, accept my own striving to be better. Accept that I feel I'm not good enough, and accept that I have the desire to be (what I see as) good enough.

[mat422]

It's an illusion, a perpetual treadmill and setting conditions for accepting yourself is a painful way to live. It is a balance however. You can't love and accept yourself and then eat twinkies and play video games all day.

/\ Loved this. It's been on my mind recently too. How can I accept myself when I've got so much I have to change? One way is to accept that I feel I need to change, accept my own striving to be better. Accept that I feel I'm not good enough, and accept that I have the desire to be (what I see as) good enough.

Also to add to this, the fact that you actually are seeking to improve is proof that you are taking responsibility for your life. And as long as you are taking responsibility, you're more than deserving of acceptance. I mean think about the awful people in this world who don't even bother trying to improve themselves and just bring everyone else down. I'd say some of them are so full of themselves and don't even realize it.

I've realized in life the people with enough awareness to change and improve themselves are usually the ones who are hardest on themselves and fail to see their own value. And the people who don't bother stay in this comforting bubble, blissfully unaware of their flaws.

[SargeMaximus]

Also to add to this, the fact that you actually are seeking to improve is proof that you are taking responsibility for your life. And as long as you are taking responsibility, you're more than deserving of acceptance. I mean think about the awful people in this world who don't even bother trying to improve themselves and just bring everyone else down. I'd say some of them are so full of themselves and don't even realize it.

I've realized in life the people with enough awareness to change and improve themselves are usually the ones who are hardest on themselves and fail to see their own value. And the people who don't bother stay in this comforting bubble, blissfully unaware of their flaws.

That's true. and I think that is part of the charm and seduction of such people. To be ok with yourself no matter how flawed you are... isn't that what we all want?

[mat422]

I've come to the realization that me and EPRHA do not play nice, at all. I've had moments at night and listening during the day where I felt incredibly nauseous and got this agitated feeling of needing to pull the headphones off. It's the masked version, not the ultrasonic. Also I tend to find myself waking up in the morning curled up into a fetal position. Not only that, but sometimes I wake up in the morning and notice that my speakers have miraculously been turned down.

I'm starting to think that these aren't exactly painful emotions that are being removed, but rather resistance from my subconscious mind. To put it simply, my life has been hell. I've internalized a lot of things in my mind that protect me from stuff. But that protection is essentially avoidance, and avoidance doesn't solve anything and just makes anxiety worse. The problem is one I've found running similar subs in the past. Removal of the subconscious blocks to allow me to move on with my life would simultaneously open me up to all that I fear as well. So it's like a tug of war in my head, except my subconscious mind is a 300lb juggernaut. Guess I just have to keep chipping away at that resistance. In the past I'd rack my brain trying to figure out what ways I could overcome it. But now I'm thinking it doesn't matter, nothing I do consciously will have much of an impact so I shouldn't waste my energy fighting it and constantly analyzing it in my head.

[AlphaMind]

I have followed your journals and can't find a damn thing of what you want. What do you REALLY want? Put that in to small steps.

Let the sub do its own thing. EPRHA have slipstream. The latest breakthrough for resistance. Beside, why would you focus on the shitty things in your life? What you focus will magnify. You know it.